May 28, 2015
It's been a while since I have posted anything. But...that's because it's been pretty uneventful. We are still trying of course. We go in and out of our stages where I don't do my BBT charting, or I don't take OPK tests. The whole "once you relax it will happen" hasn't worked out for us but I always wonder if I am not “relaxed” or “stress free” enough. I’ve read our bodies know when it’s a hostile environment not suitable for a baby, perhaps that’s right and I need to eliminate more daily stress factors.
We had another appointment with our specialist May 8th. I wanted to go in there guns blazing demanding to know WHY we couldn't get pregnant, I wanted more research to be done. Not just another doctor telling me what we can do to get pregnant with another procedure since she last told us in August that IUI is the next step and to get going on that, but we just weren’t ready to do a procedure like that yet emotionally, I guess I still had hope it could happen naturally or didn’t want to believe otherwise. I have a hard time trusting doctors as it is wanting to know their true intentions, hoping it isn’t just to collect $ and push you onto procedures without figuring out WHY or HOW first.
I was worried with the past procedures I had in 2013 (HSG and MRI), the final reports I took to the specialist the first time we saw one had conflicting information. One showed I had an arcuate uterus and one showed I had a bicornuate uterus. Those are two separate things that mean a huge difference with how big your septum/shape of your uterus is. My specialist didn’t like how conflicting they were so she did her own type of HSG test- where she injected water and did ultrasounds to get a feel and shape of my uterus. Overall she wasn't concerned about my uterus in regards to the shape/septum/scar tissue. So of course when we see her again beginning of May I felt like I still wanted answers. She pulled up the images she had taken last July/August with her HSG test and showed me that my uterus - while it wasn't perfect, it did not have a septum. It was a little misshaped on one side due to my mini laparatomy myomectomy surgery via c-section mid 2013 after our miscarriage and findings of a 10cm fibroid which I wanted removed...but there wasn't a septum to be concerned about. She showed me a little bit of an area towards my left ovary that looked to be scar tissue but not enough to consider going in and removing. I still am contemplating that being our issue, it would make more sense in my head if it were. Actually I WANT that to be the reason so I finally have answers and can move forward with trying to correct the problem. When I asked about PCOS to confirm I didn’t have that, she said my left ovary looked polycystic but I did not fit the PCOS profile. So I crossed that off my list for now. When I had left her office I felt like I was back at square one. Knowing that she wanted to do IUI next and that pretty much was the next best step for us.
So we both say why not, let’s try it. Come August, that’s our plan. Once we have had a couple plus months to get back on a healthier track. Eat better foods that actually can increase fertility. Ditch the cup of coffee or tea I may have daily and cut back on the alcohol. Start working out and dropping a little weight. All of that can only benefit us right? Not to mention the crap tons of vitamins we are taking. I started my husband on fertilaid. He's all for it and being very supportive knowing we need to be a team. I started taking raspberry tea leaves (pill form). Otherwise, it's just positive energy and trying to eliminate stress as much as possible from our daily lives.
The tension and stress alone from TTC hasn't helped. It seems as though the past handful of months my husband and I are on edge and find ourselves arguing…we never fight like this. This is just something that comes along with infertility and definitely something we cannot let tear us apart. It's a work in progress. I'm very grateful and blessed to have such an amazing man by my side. He even started to wear boxers to bed instead of briefs ;) He's trying. I'm trying. It's a struggle daily and I try not to let it control my everyday life. Hopefully by TRYING to eliminate stress factors, it doesn’t stress me out in doing so…if that makes sense. Mind over Matter. We can get through this together, I know it. For now, we are taking care of ourselves inside and out and most of all, staying hopeful.