May 30, 2015
so its official....after all these years...being told it was mdd, recurrent, anxiety, a mood disorder nos. loads of different meds, different cocktails, years of failings, falling off the wagon, climbing back on and taking the wheel and crash over and over. hospitalizations, many doctors, psychs, therapist...well, its official - its bipolar disorder. i knew it all allng, but didnt want to admit it and as long as no one was shoving that diagnosis down my throat i was fine with denying the possibility...and
ywah, my current doctor has me on an i itial dose of abilify to calm me down, then he will add a mood stabilizer called lamictal, and i would love something for concentration so i want to go back on ritalin, an extended release. and he said that would be fine. but he was straight up, a lot of ppl claim to have bipolar and use it as a crutch but he said hes not throwing that diagnosis around for me. that i do in fact have bipolar disorder. bipolar disorder ii. with manias and depressive states. but i really cant wait to get stable. the abilify is already helping. i do still feel some rage and irritation but its not as strong not as intense...im suppose to go up to a whole pill in about 2 days - that should really mellow me out...and ive heard so much good about the lamictal, im just afraid of that steven johnsons syndrome, or TENs....the dreaded rash...but i hear its so rare. he insisted it was very rare and hed never seen in except in med school. so that calms me ALITTLe. i told him antidepressants makes me feel like im on crack but he said we might still put me on one - after ive been stable on the mood stabilizer. i told him i dont want to take abilify for too long..but he insisted i needed some calming down, so to go with it for now..and we will go off in time. im just happy im dont feel like i am losing my mind anymore...well my moods are not fluctuating so intensely. im on my way up. and i refuse to go on ssi and think about homelessness before ever doing that. i dunno probably doesnt make sense ro anyone else, but plenty sense to me, no more raging, no more crying, anxiety yes still there, but...its gonna go away. i have a GREAT job right now - i CANT SCREW THIS UP!!!