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Gonna be an Aunt!

Jun 16, 2015 - 34 comments

Don't get me wrong.  I'm SO thankful and happy it happened so easy for her.  I'm also thankful this wasn't an "accident".  I'm not sure how I'd feel about it if it was.   Awhile back she text and was talking to me about her and her BF were thinking about trying for a baby.  I was happy for her and prayed they didn't have the complications that we have or any complications at all for that matter.  I'm also thankful she gave me the heads up and didn't just spring it on me.  Did I think it would happen this fast?  No!  Was I prepared, No!  I love my sister to death and there's no doubt I'll spoil him or her to the ends of the earth but that doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  They came by and she showed me the pregnancy test and at first I wasn't for sure it was what I was seeing.  Then I busted out crying, couldn't talk or breathe.  Happy for them, jealous,  ashamed for feeling jealous, so many emotions.  My mom came with them and I could see the smile on her face, the tears of joy in her eyes.  Not from my surprise, from my sisters.  I thank GOD, I truly do for it happening so easily for her.  I'd never want anyone to go through the pain or the years of being unable to conceive. I hugged her up, told her I loved her and congratulations.  How do I keep from crying about this?  I'm sure in time it will get easier... good lord. I can't even type it for crying, much less talk about it. Also, Mom announced it on facebook and I know she's super excited but then I see the  "Who Danielle or David?"  I don't see my name in there anywhere because we ALL know I can't get pregnant. And then I get the pity messages.  "Des you're going to be the best aunt ever".  Again, I appreciate the support and everything but I feel so singled out and pitied.  Is the "you're going to be the best aunt ever" pity for, bummer it wasn't you?  I can't think right now.  I can't express how I feel without feeling angry at my sister and that's not it at all so I hope and pray this doesn't come across as that.  She's 21, she'll be 22 in July and her and her boyfriend have been together 6 years this month.  

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961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
Oh Des.  I don't know what to say. You and Brian have been through so much in the past year. Way More then any two people ever should in a lifetime.
I know more then anything in the world you want to be a mom.  
I pray and pray the day will come that you and Brian can sit down and have a heart to heart about how you are going to make your family a reality, and go for it.  It has to hurt him so much, as I know it does you, to hear those words, yet again.  
I wish there was some way I could help.  You know i will in anyway I can.  You are such an amazing person, with such an amazing heart. You deserve to have your dream realized and come to.  

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
True..not to...

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
Oh heck!  Make your dream a reality...geez!

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by Des_a_rae, Jun 16, 2015
Thank you so much Mel! I honestly don't know what to think or say.  I'm at a loss for words, well the right words anyways.  I don't know, my mind is so jumbled right now.  I want to feel more happiness for her than pity for myself.  Right now my pity and jealousy is winning and I don't like feeling that way.  She's my baby sister..I'm 14 years older than her and I want to be over the moon with joy for her.  I counted back from the status I put about her texting me and letting me know she's going to start trying.  She text me on May 12th and it's June 15th.  That's what, 5 weeks?  Some are SO lucky.  Is it wrong of me to say that I HOPE she knows how blessed and lucky she is???

Ever since Brian's brother Jake passed away suddenly he's been acting strange.  In the sense of  arm pain, chest pain "omg is this a heart attack" and so forth.  Then his brother dying a couple of months ago from cancer and that just made things worse.  He's seen so many doctors right now that every time I THINK we're at the part where I can get him rechecked for his SA, something else comes up.  He's never been a hypochondriac but he's verging on one now I guess you could say.  He questions every ache and pain now.  I hate he feels that way, it breaks my heart to think he's so scared of something being seriously wrong and I can't fix it.  SO I haven't mentioned yet about getting him in for his repeat SA.  I'm going to put my foot down though.  It needs to be done and I'm tired of waiting.  I'm SICK and tired of something always coming up and I feel bad so I put it off.  Well I'm done with that.  I want answers.  

and btw, tysm for that little giggle at the end.  Gotta love typos!  <3



1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, Jun 16, 2015
I don't even know what to say Des. My heart hurts for you.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and ta-da you have a bfp. But I know that's not going to happen.

Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
You know Des, it might be something to take his mind off all this.  Something to look forward to.  Your future, your family.  Talk to him about his SA, and sperm donation, and donor embryos...give him something else to think about.  You two have had this elephant in the room way way to long!  Nothing is going to change if you two don't start making your dream a reality.  TALK!  Tell him you are ready for yours and his turn!  You are done sitting on the sidelines!  Tell him you want to get in the game :-)

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
Building a family is an amazing thing, not a tragedy.  It doesn't matter how it happens, as long as it happens.  I know he wants to be a dad as you want to be a mom.  It's not a bad talk, or a talk to be afraid of....it's a talk of hopes and dreams and of how to make them a reality!  :-)

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Jun 16, 2015
I saw that and read all the comments, I was more concerned about you were really feeling before addin my "congrats" when I know you're hurting. I sent see your moms post but that must be so hard to be excluded....I'm so sorry this hurts and you have been through so much :( I wish I could take your pain away and tell you it will all be ok.... I truly do :( I don't even know if it'll get easier, but I do hope you get your miracle soon.

I also agree with MHV 1000%.... It's time to have the tough talk with him, t doesn't matter how your family happens as long as it does :)

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Jun 16, 2015
I saw that and read all the comments, I was more concerned about you were really feeling before addin my "congrats" when I know you're hurting. I sent see your moms post but that must be so hard to be excluded....I'm so sorry this hurts and you have been through so much :( I wish I could take your pain away and tell you it will all be ok.... I truly do :( I don't even know if it'll get easier, but I do hope you get your miracle soon.

I also agree with MHV 1000%.... It's time to have the tough talk with him, t doesn't matter how your family happens as long as it does :)

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Jun 16, 2015
I agree with Melissa, and if you lick typos, I hope this at list makes laugh you!

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
Haha!  pb95!  You made me laugh!  I am a hot mess with the typos!  Geez!

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Jun 16, 2015
I will write you a message in a bit But, I want to say:
CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR FEELINGS ARE NORMAL
For someone who has gone thru IF this long.  You know B best & when
You feel he will be receptive to discussing this delicate situation.
Even though J adores M he still struggles. It's just something that
Doesn't go away but he NEVER regrets the decision he/we made.
Love you Des.  I'm here if you wanna chat.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 16, 2015
Thank you Shannon.  I wished it were that simple also.  

Mel you're so right.  It should be something to look forward to.  Hopes and dreams like you said.   OUR family, OUR joy!  I'm tired of being afraid of "the talk".  I want my own family! Thank you!

Thank you Kellie.  I tried to be really excited but then after seeing everything reality set in.  It's her, not me.  My moms teary eyed smiling face was because of her, not me.  All of these congrats are because of her, not me.  I want it to be me!  I've had several private messages asking me how I'm doing. It's so sweet of them and I'm SO thankful I can come here and express my sadness and feelings of guilt and get so much support.  No judgment.  I hope all of these feelings are here in the moment.  I hope over time I can let them go and feel happier for her.  I AM happy for her, but right now my own selfish jealousy and pity is not letting that happen.  

Thank you PB.  And thank you for the laugh!  I love typos. :)  

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by Des_a_rae, Jun 16, 2015
Thank you so much E!!  Love you too!  I look forward to reading your message.  

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by KTowne, Jun 16, 2015
Sorry I haven't responded to your note yet, I've been super busy!! But don't EVER let yourself feel ashamed for being jealous and upset - you have every right in the world to be!! I know time will make this easier on you, and I'm sure you ARE going to be the best aunt ever, but in the end when its your turn to announce your pregnancy, it is going to be elating, head over feet exciting. It's exciting for someone who doesn't have to try hard, yes - but for someone who's had to work her butt off to get it, it's going to be way more rewarding. I'm thinking of you Des, you'll get your BFP!

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by mandaszoo, Jun 16, 2015
Dear Des_a_rae
    I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is just so normal. My DH was so desperate to be a daddy and to go through our one and only chance of ivf and only to see it fail and the last few years of heartache only to see his sister get pg accidently and really unhappy to have a little girl. On top of that you see the way the whole family embraces them and excludes us. " you're not a proper family* said one cousin.
  Anyway what I am trying to say is that it was only after all this misery that we finally came to the (big scary conversation) about how we were going to become a family. It was only after a lot of pain that we both came to the conclusion that we wanted to be a family whatever that takes. We realised eventually that DNA and genetics did not count.
In 2 weeks we have the very last hurdle to be adoptive parents to a little girl. I worry about it all being ok and the reality of taking home a child who has had a terrible start in life. Then I get  so excited to finally bring home our little girl.
My DH has no such worries . After waiting so long and going through such pain to be a daddy he is so chilled . He cant wait for that day . in just a few short weeks we will be bringing a little one in to our life. I can already picture them together. She will look up at him and slip her hand into his his hand and say that most wonderful word (Daddy) . I cant wait for us to finally be a family
Sometimes it is these things that are so difficult to cope with that finally show us the way to find our dream even though it may not be on the path we expected.
All the best and sending love
Amanda x

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 16, 2015
Mandaszoo is so right!  I know I have told you time and time again how afraid I was to approach DH about donor embryos.  Did he jump on the band wagon when I did?  No.  It took him over a month to decide.  But, I had to get the courage up to talk to him, or we would never be where we are today.  10 yrs we tried.  Des, the worst he can say is he wants to try nothing, and do nothing to try.  But, he is a man, and he isn't on this site, and he has no clue what his options even are unless you give them to him.
You owe both f you at least that much.  Tell him his options, tell him your heart, and tell him just to think about everything.  With his heart.  



1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Jun 17, 2015
I've never had to deal with the heartbreak of IF. I've been blessed, and I know that. I have, however, been in your sister's shoes - so to speak. My brother's wife had IF issues for about 3 years before she was able to get pregnant with my nephew, Liam. In that time, I had two pregnancies (one of which ended in miscarriage). We actually got pregnant (not trying) right after their wedding. They had JUST started trying, so no one knew they'd have trouble yet. I called and left her a message that I had good news. She could tell from my voice what the news was and chose not to call back because she was jealous that I got pregnant without even trying. I miscarried about 4 weeks later. My brother called and let me know that she was devastated about her behavior and just didn't know what to say to me. I let him know I was fine, no ill will and that I understood.

A year later, we decided to start trying. I let my mom know and she (after asking my permission) let my SIL know. That way it wouldn't be a shock. At this point, they had been trying over a year with no luck. Her doctors had determined that she wasn't even ovulating, but didn't know why. I got my BFP after four months of trying. They were coming to visit, so we waited to tell them in person. I did it while it was just the two of them, my DH and me because I didn't want her to have to deal with any other people watching. I didn't want to add embarrassment on top of the pain I knew she was going to feel. I figured private was best. She didn't say anything. She sat on the couch staring at her phone and then went out to their car for at least an hour. When she came back she was smiling and happy and congratulated me. I could tell she was worried if I was going to be mad at her for her behavior. I hugged her and told her that although I didn't understand her pain exactly, I knew it was hard for her and whatever she needed to do was fine.

Would I have preferred her to be jumping up and down over-the-moon excited for me? Yes, of course. But I also understood that her own pain wasn't going to let her do that. SHE wanted to be the one expecting a baby. SHE wanted to be the one with good news. And here I was, pregnant after trying for just four months.

It took her more than another year to conceive Liam. I still remember the day she called and told me. I was driving home with the kids in the car and I had to pull over because I was crying so hard for her. I was SO happy for her that her time and FINALLY come!

Your sister loves you. She doesn't want to cause you pain. She wants you to be happy. She also knows that by making this decision for herself, to have a baby, it has caused you pain in a time that should be happy. She's completely a war with herself about how much she should share with you. Should she involve you in every little detail because she wants you there? Or should she try and shield you from as much of it as possible in order to save you from the pain? Or something in between? Only YOU can answer what you're comfortable with. Be honest with her about what you want. From what I know about you, Des, you're going to want to be as involved as possible. You're going to plan her baby shower and you're going to ooo and ahhh over every little outfit and baby gadget. You're going to love her through your pain. Even though you want to be the one where she is, you're not going to punish her just for making the same choices you would - to build a family.

Just know that when your day comes - however that happens - she is going to be over-the-moon crying tears of joy excited for you. Everyone will be. Nothing will be spared or held back when it's your time. There will be so much love and happiness, you won't know what to do with all of it! Until then, know that nothing you're feeling is wrong. Take all the time you need. Just know that you are loved and thought of often. :)

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Jun 17, 2015
Well said Heather. I agree with everything Heather said but just want to say that you may not know how you want to approach the involvement part. You may have to feel it out to see what is comfortable for you.  I honestly can't wait till we get to celebrate you and your pregnancy.

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 17, 2015
Oh Heather! What an amazing post!!!  And you are sooooo right!  There will not be a dry eye on this site when Des reaches her dream!!  

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 17, 2015
KTowne, thank you so much.  

Amanda, thank you so much also.  I cannot believe a family member told you you were not a "proper family". Oh my gosh!! I am so happy and thankful to hear about your baby girl.  That's so precious!!  That's exactly how I think about Brian.  From day one I knew he would make an amazing father.  The picture you described, her grabbing your husbands hands, I think of them all also with our little one and Brian.  You both are going to be unbelievable parents.  She's a very special girl and you're all blessed to have each other.

Heather, I cannot thank you enough.  Reading this has helped me SO much.  The last thing I want her to be is afraid of "filling me in".  I want to know everything about this precious baby and how my sister is feeling and doing.  What she's been experiencing, if they've picked out names.  I want to know it all and I'm going to love every minute of it.  One of the main reasons I'm super jealous (other than the obvious) is because they're in a love to hate relationship.  I'm not even kidding.  They're so childish.  They'll argue, he'll tell her to get her things and leave, to go back to my parents house.  I cant' count the times she's came home.  I hope this makes them stronger and makes them grow up for the sake of the baby.  No more of this childish crap. Thank you for sharing your situation with me and helping me see the "other side" of things.  I am also SO terribly sorry about your miscarriage.  :(   I'm trying to hold on to hope that one day we'll have our own.  I don't know how we'll get there, but I know we will.



SO yesterday when Brian came home he was talking to me and asked how my day was.  I just blurted out that Danielle was pregnant.  He hugged me up and I started bawling.  He kept saying he was so sorry.  I just explained how I wished it was us and so forth.  So for awhile now we've been trying to get OUR land ready.  These past 14 years we've lived in a family home (my dad and his 6 sisters "own" the home and it was never to be deeded out to one certain person).  Anyways, our land is ready and we'll be moving by summer.  Brian has always said "let me get us down there and we'll get more serious about this.  We've been getting this ready for the past several years now.  No loans, no nothing, just using our savings over time.  Never thought we'd need them for fertility purposes. :S  So as I was crying to him yesterday he said "we'll be down there this summer and you can just go crazy with this" meaning us trying to conceive and getting more serious about it.  I DO want to get into detail with him about our options and see how he feels. I plan on doing that this weekend.  He's been working past 8 every night. He works outside and the heat index has been in the low 100's here this week.  He's been in attics and just so exhausted.  SO this weekend it is.  Praying we're on the same page.  I do feel a little relieved just by him saying that.  

Thank you ALL So much from the bottom of my heart.  You ladies truly are my rock, my shoulder to lean on when times are hard.  I can't talk about this with my family and it helps that you all understand and are able to offer advice and support.  <3

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 17, 2015
E thank you.  You're right.  I'm just gonna go with the flow.  I don't want to overwhelm myself but I do know I want to be involved.  I'll just see how it goes and how involved I get as things progress.  I can't wait either... <3

Lol Melissa,  I honestly don't know if I'd be able to stop crying!  You ladies are amazing!

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Jun 17, 2015
I have been worried about you all day! I'm glad to see this update and I just know everything will be ok in regards to your future family. I think you and B are a lot like J & I who have weathered some intense storms together. You've been thru a major storm the past 6+ months and I think smooth sailing is on the horizon. In some time your hopes will become tangible.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 17, 2015
Thank you so much Ellen. I was trying to get right with my own feelings.  I know it's going to take awhile and I'm okay with that.  Time will tell that's for sure.  I certainly hope so and I completely agree about all of us weathering some major storms.  I'd rather have something else in common, happy things, but you know what?  If it wasn't for this, I'd never known of this place and would've missed out of becoming friends with you and all of these other amazing ladies. Seeing you conceive sweet Mel and hoping for a baby brother for her.  I'm thankful for that.  

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 19, 2015
Oh Des!  I am so so happy to hear you are going to talk to Brian this weekend!  So happy!  Don't look at this as a scary thing to be hesitant of.  Look at it as getting to know each others hearts and desires.  

I am going to give you my honest opinion here...Whether you want it or not! LOL!!!
You two love all members of your family, blood or not with everything you have. Myou move mountains to help them in any way you can.  
Des, I see you and Brian take in aminal after animal into your home.  You rescue abandoned animals almost daily. You take these animals into your heart, and into your homes without hesitation, without blinking an eye.  You give them forever homes, or find them forever homes.  Brian, standing by your side, just as involved and invested as you are.

How could you two, both, without hesitation, not do whatever steps it will take to bring your child into your home?  
You both have hearts as big as the moon...bigger I believe!  I think if you lay everything out for Brian, iUI, or iUI with donor sperm, or IVF, or if your destiny be donor embryos...I have not one doubt, that when your litte one(s) are placed in both of your arms, neither you nor Brian will not have 1 regret of the steps you took to get there.
You know I am your biggest cheerleader, my friend!  I want to give you the biggest pep talk ever, to make you see this is a wonderful conversation  for you to have!
Take a big breath, and talk to your hubby!!!!!!!


790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 19, 2015
Mel You're so right.  Brian has stood by my side when I bring home a stray or someone drops one off and we take it in or try our best to find it a family.  I love this man so much and I cannot express how thankful I am that God put him in my life.  I am seriously going to talk with him this weekend.  I want him knowing our options and seeing how he feels about them.  I've never been scared to talk to Brian,  he's never given me a reason to be and I dont understand why talking about this is scaring me.  I'm gonna get over it and just do it.  
Thank you for everything Mel!!!

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 19, 2015
Des, you can do this!!!  I believe in you!  Lol...and I really believe in Brian!  I know he won't let you down!  Speak from your heart!  Tell him you would love a biological child, but if it can't work that way, you are open to X,Y, or Z.  Explain the financial differences in each.  Tell him you are willing to do X,Y,Z.  Obviously, iUI and iUI w/ds, will be less than IVF.  Tell him donor embryos are very affordable.  Tell him there are over 200,000 frozen embies that need forever homes...lol...you BOTH relate to that!!  Haha!!!!
Sending you an the biggest hug ever!!!

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Jun 20, 2015
I am so excited for you reading these because I know it will work out and your life will change for the better so soon!

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 20, 2015
Stalking..... LOL

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Jun 26, 2015
Did you get to talk to Brian?  I guess things were a little crazy with Gabe as of late though so maybe not?

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 26, 2015
Lol Melissa, I'm trying!

Not yet PB, things with Gabe went down pretty fast.  We didn't really have much of a weekend without worry.  Things will be better this weekend, God willing and hopefully Brian and I can get away to ourselves and do this.  
Thank you so much!

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Jun 26, 2015
Will be thinking of you!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jun 26, 2015
Thank you so much PB!!!  :)

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Jun 26, 2015
Yes!  We will be thinking of you!  Praying this is the right time for you and Brisn to talk :)

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