Jun 20, 2015
Taking a deep breath this morning I look to the sky full of emotion, it is still so very raw. To be honest I’d love to pretend it wasn’t me. Sometimes the events leading up to that night play in my head like a Television program, something I watch over and over yet I don’t feel. I don’t understand how I did it, I don’t know how I survived, and maybe I am not supposed to.
What I can say is, leading up to this very day 2 years ago broke me mentally and spiritually. Knowing there was a God out there and seeing the miracles in others’ lives I gave up…I was walking around dead inside my eyes dark and cold, I became a zombie. Right before that a few months earlier I prayed for God to fix my life. I cried that I didn’t know how to do it on my own. Shortly after pastor, Benny Perez, told me whatever was going on I would be healed. No one believes me, but he put his hand on my head or shoulder and it was as if a powerful bolt of electricity went through my body knocking me to the ground sobbing, after that life would change forever.
I went through the motions for the next several days as life was getting worse and worse. To be honest part of me knew I would get out, yet part of me was terrified to leave. I gave up my will to survive and death became a reality. I never say the Lord’s Prayer but June 19 2013 I did. Cable was off and I put the radio on Christian music. Once again I went to bed alone, as the man I loved for ten years was gone. I hid my money and my meds, curled up with my dogs and tried to fall asleep.
I woke up to a song playing, it was Pray, by Sanctus Reel. I posted the lyrics online…it was after midnight on the 20th. I was accused of contacting the cops via my laptop, an argument ensued. I tried to go back to sleep, as I had work in a couple hours. I dozed off and was woken up by a cold sharp object to my neck. I opened my eyes and it was a machete. I jumped up and he stole my phone. We struggled and I scratched him. I was kicked and my phone was taken again. He went into the bathroom, called 911 and had me arrested.
The officer who showed up told me “You will die if I don’t take you, I know your innocent” The next few hours were a blur, I can see pictures like it was a movie, but I think I have become dissociated. I was released and had to work 4 twelve hour shifts in a row. Living at a friends I never went back. I was prescribed methadone and having gone to jail no one would fill them.
I went to the doctor and I was honest he said good luck I can do this. On June 24, 2013 I took my last pill, terrified. The next month I remember like it was yesterday. The aches and sleeplessness and the insanity but I didn’t give up.
I was able to find a home, leave my ex. I struggled but never went back. I learned how to pay my own bills, keep a job, and provide for myself and my dogs with little to no help. I was forced to grow up at 29 years old.
I have stumbled along the way, taking my will back over and over. I am 1 year 4 months and 18 days clean today. I often lose faith, and have to remind myself what God has done for me. I no longer live in suicidal ideation, I can control panic attacks and though I have anxiety all the time I know it will pass.
I still have my house, my job, I bought a new car, and God finally has sent me the person I know I will marry. My problems today are NO WHERE NEAR as bad as they were two years ago. Even though I feel like it wasn’t me I must replay the television program so I don’t forget where I came from, where I can go and how far I have come. I am still healing and living life… Life has always showed up, finally I am showing up and I don’t know if it gets better, but maybe we get better…