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I am what I am

Feb 03, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

culinary

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human language

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YAP

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negatively

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wrong and right

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blunt

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Relationships

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self definition

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identifying problems

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relating

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Friendship

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Endive

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repetitive words

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contentment

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energy

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physical skill

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beathing trouble

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dizzy head

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kiss

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Smiling

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Real Kristina

,

self enplanation

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child Kristina

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Preteen Kristina

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officiall y bipolar Kristina

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Numb Kristina

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Present Kristina

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manic child

,

me

,

self needs

,

spaz



But seriously today I did book work in Culinary. I find that even though I think I've got a grasp of normality, I don't. There's still a piece missing. We did book work. It pissed me off, inside.

I went to YAP and do you know what? I was wrong. I am always wrong. And that's a good thing. I am the negative side of the world. I am the realistic voice and I am not fun to hear. But when I say something, I mean it. No frill, no battering. And so, when I'm wrong, it's a good thing.It's something even I want to hear. I focus so much energy on what I know to be true, and when I'm wrong, my heart could explode. YAP we did  check-ins  and a questiannaire  on relationships. Apparently it was supposed to help identify "abusive relationships" but the wuestions were very vague,. and we took them as such. Ever couple has special things about them, that don't sound right unless you know you and them.  Things people will laugh off, not stare wide eyedd at. Its fine.  I thought it was funny. We cracked up through the whole thing.

My word of the moment is "Endive" . I've been saying it all day in my head and it's probably the most delicious thing in the world. But I don't know. I've had it before, it was goood.  But that word, I could marry it and bear it's children. There's something elegant about the letters, the pronounciation, all of it. But sadly, next week, I will not remember Endive. I will remember that I had a word stuck in my head all week, but I will have no recollection of what it was. All I will get when I try to remember is "Endive"  over and over again. I fall in love with these words and I think them all the time and occasionally when my mind is wondering and I try to remember something, this automatically comes up and something I just put it in the sentence. It's funny, unless it's a name or something innapropriate.  Wow I butchered  that word.  But yeah, I really don't want to being saying "Endive" randomly/. I'm better at thinking before I talk than I used to be.

I feel very content. I have so much energy, but then again, I am also fatigued. I am so tired  phyically, but also I could run alaps around my house and I could happily skip to and back from the tv all day.  I will run up the stairs to get things, I just want to bounce around. I don't want to sit still. I feel like my hansd are on fire right now. ut I'm still having trouble breathing, and I still feel run down for a few seconds. I am very dizzy everyttime I stand. It's just so close to that point where I will lose conciousness. I don't know. Or I do know. I don't know why.

But I kissed her and I awas happy.  I was able to keep most of that huge smile off my face. I just feel calmer.

I  had a self arguemnet this morning about which Kristina is real Kristina?  Which me is ME? Is it the child Kristina, manic and hyper and too strong for her own good? Is it preteen Kristina , still  growing and pissed about it, mad at the world and  consistently depressed?  Is it "officially" bipolar Kristina, starting meds  and feeling more stable? Is it numb Kristina, dying physically but surviving mentally,  constantly  wondering why she's not happy? Or is it present Kristina,  lighting up  like the stars, but still  learning, still trying to remember and learn, riding the train back to manic?  
No lie, I was happiest as manic child Kristina.  And this is the closest I've felt to that in so long.  That was ME,  that was who I  was. That was my personality, my whole self definition, that was everytthing  I relied on for stability.  I had the energy and the flexibility to take on the world. I had a smile on my face and a silly laugh.  I was cheerful. Isn't that what I need? Doesn't that sound good?  Healthy? It wasn't.  I was strong as a boa and I hurt people without even meaning to. I was afraid to hug. I was  an outsider, never listening enough to understand. I was hyper, hard to talk to. I was a spaz and I liked it that way.  If I was happy, is that good enough?  Right now I have nothing else to fall on, nothing else good enough. Nothing I was to go back to.
So I want to be child Kristina, maybe more settled, but with that wild energy. With that love of evverything.  With that  wiry strength, and maybe I will be able to take on the world this time.

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