I woke up this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. The end. No more sleep. It was just after eleven, so it' snot like it was early or anything, but it wouldn't have hurt me to get a few more minutes, would it? I had a lot of cereal and watched tv, trying to get steve on the phone. I couldn't decide wether to bother showering or not. I cleaned my guinea pig and my lizards tanks/cages. Cealned it all up. It's good now. It's all good. They're good. Everyone's good.
I can breathe today. My nose is just a little bit...well when I breathe out of my nose, it's loud. I snore. I still sniffle a little when I get worked up. But better. I still can't heare out of my right ear though, it's pretty annoying now that I'm not very sick anymore. My nose is healing-this mornign I was pulling flakes of skin off, it was very gross. I've been lathering on the moisturizer though. Which has been fine because I also can't smell or taste anything. I'm geting the barest of tastes and flavors.
I went ot individual. It's easier this tmie, becasue I'm not with someone who's never spoken om e ebfore. I'm with someone who getrs that I'm a little strange, and that I don't mean any harm when I don't react properly or anything. Fran knows my mannerisms, even if she doesn't know the logic behind them. So I think this'll be better. She's asking questions, and I'm trying to answer, but I jump around a lot. I don't quite answer the questions correctly. It doesn't matter hotugh- she just goes with it, instead of asking again and again like has been previouisly done. (Right, but waht about this? Ok, but back to this? Well, again, what about THIS?). I was very warm in her office, and my cheeks were getting red and then I was getting embarassed and I was a little stressed anyways and I felt very exposed and afterwards I idn't want to look at her, I just wanted to leave. I wonder how thursday will be. or any day, actually. You know how on tv when one character sees another naked? And then it's very awkward and they don't want to look at each other? Well that's probably notquite what this is like. I just feel like I'm covered in ugly stickers or something lik e I would prefer everyone not see but I'm being forced to walk around my whole liofe in them. Or I'm walking voluntarily, because I know I need to. I don't ven know. Maybe I'll need theapy to talk about my problems with therapy.
After steve was done with band practice I went to his house and I was feeling a bit cold. Because in my head I mapped out his priorities. Steve has a free day. How will he fill it?
---Band practice. Because they don't care if he's around. So he makes himself available for that first. Because if he doesn't push, they won't ask him . If they won't answer their phones:
---Jor/Josh. Becuase they like him around. They like to spend time with him, and would prefer to have him there than not to. But he's not participating, so it's not really a big deal if he isn't there. But he still wants to be a part of it, so if he has time, this is his next option. If he's upset with them or they're busy:
---ME. Because I'm disposable. Because I'm not going anywhere and I havea very easy schedule to work with. Because I need him and he knows that I will make time for him. Because he knows that he is my top choice and so I am a filler. Don't get me wrong, he likes to spend time with me. If I was not available for a long amount of time, and he expended those other two options, then yes, he would miss me. Because I am always s supposed to be there. And if I'm not, well why not?
Also, I get why they're top priority in general. They are something that could last in life- something that will help with the future, and could spark a pathway in life he's really going to enjoy. A lot is riding on his putting the effort in there. And his friends wn't be around forever. We only have a few more years, and already there's so much changing. Mayb that's too girly to apply here, but he's only going to be so young this once. I'll be aruond. I sa it myself, I want to be with him forever. So he has all the time in theworld.
I'm not mad or blaming or anything, bthis is logically how it should be. I've done the math, I get it. I understand. I don't like it, but it makes sense. So I won't argue. Not as much as I can manage.
Otherwise, I ate chicken pie and wouldn't have known what it was if I hadn't have been looking at it. I ate cookies and could only taste the chocolate. Slightly. I feel very dull. That's not true. I feel very vivid. I just feel like I need to reach too far into the dull to find the vivid. And who would bother? I'm not worth bothering. My vivid is not vivid enough to fight for.
I came home and there were police at my neighbors house. They're ok, but I still wonder why.