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Ugh, that's all..just UGH!!  

Sep 18, 2015 - 9 comments

I get to see **** like this on my FB page from my fertile cousins.  I'm SO sick of it.  

Jennifer says.. Going shopping at multiple stores at the summit with a hyper 2 year old and a teething 7 month old wore me out. I had to get the double stroller out 4 different times and load and unload them. Sad thing is I didn't buy what I went out for and have to go back after the kids nap-time.

Felicia responds with...Ugghhhh, I hate that too. : the struggle is real.


I mean SERIOUSLY???  THAT'S a struggle???  I want to slap both of them.  UGH!!
Then I get to see constant twin baby pictures from my other cousin.  Like we don't know what they look like or their names are.  It's everyday, several times a day.  I think if they farted she'd take a picture of it.  I'm sorry for sounding so ill...I love my family, it's not about that...but they have NO idea.  
My sister is 18 weeks pregnant now with a little boy.  I'm SO excited to be an aunt.  I do however get bummed when I see things like her  "BabyBelly Book", seeing her grow and her little baby bump.  I dunno, just a bad place right now with everything.  :(


So life obviously hasn't been dandy for me.  Right now I'm having GOD awful problems with my bladder disease.  My urologists also did several tests and also diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction.  I can thank all of that rock shoveling and hard labor work from working with my dad for that.  SO he started me doing pelvic biofeedback therapy.  I went 1 day a week and was supposed to do it for 8 weeks BUT I started hurting really bad all the time.  My normal daily pain is at least a 3-4, everyday.  I've become numb to it but after I started this therapy, after my 2nd visit I started hurting more and longer.  Over the weekend I had to talk myself out of going to the ER because it literally felt like my bladder wanted to rupture.  Thank god he wrote me out something for pain way back when so I took a half of that and it eased it up enough.  Well I had my 3rd session yesterday and here I am again, in god awful pain.  The days went from 3-4 to easily a 6-7.  SO after I told him I am hurting worse he wants to stop that and do DMSO treatments for my bladder.  It's a bladder flush of medicine.  They put it in with a catheter of course and I have to hold it for at least 15 minutes before I pee it out.  I've read about these treatments and have read they are awful.  They're very painful and the meds make you smell like garlic.  You literally smell like garlic.  :S  I'm on an IC site on facebook and everyone was warning me against them.  One lady even said it should be illegal.  SO the meds burn and I have to sit there for at least 15 minutes in pain from the burning before I can pee it out.  I have no idea what to do anymore.  I'm so lost with this.  I thought nothing could compare to the hopelessness feeling of infertility, but I feel the same with this. I feel there's NOTHING that's going to help.  I'm 36 and hurt so bad and I think how the hell am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life?  There's no cure.  It's hopeless.  After the therapy sessions that were supposed to help I sit here and feel so much pain and pressure in my pelvic area.  I stand up and feel like everything down there wants to fall out.  So much heavy pressure and then pain.  I sit down and I feel the pressure being shoved up in my stomach and the pain.  I hate it!!!!


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982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Sep 18, 2015
Aww Des... I'm so sorry :( i know it's not easy... honestly I hate those posts too. I wish that was my biggest dilemma of the day. I don't write about a lot of things abd sure as he-ll don't post a ton of baby stuff. Right now we're debating g whether to call the police on our own son. And I'm struggling big time. ..

As for your pain I have no clue what to do. I can't even fathom it ... I wish there was something I could do.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Sep 18, 2015
Oh Kellie I'm so sorry to hear.  I can't imagine the struggle that comes with that.  I know everyone has their own personal life and struggles but I honestly can't talk to my family about these things.  I know only the ladies here that I've became friends with and grown close to like yourself truly know how it feels and what I'm talking about.  I just get to a point sometimes when I can't take it anymore.  I can't hold it in any longer so I come here to vent.  

I hope things get better for you and you both do what needs to be done. I know it's not easy,  I couldn't imagine.  

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Sep 18, 2015
I hope to some day go through where I don't get angry that someone else has what I wanted/lost so I know somewhat how you feel on that front.  I really don't know how to do that and feel it is impossible.  All that you have been through is insane.  Something big has to happen for you and you need to take it.  Actively go get it.  Something to help you feel like you have control.  I am happy to be a support for you and hope you get the peace you need.  

Krichar - sorry to hear about your son.  Hugs to both you girls!

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by Belle313, Sep 19, 2015
I'm so sorry Des. Neither problem you are dealing with are easy. Sometimes people just don't think how hurtful words can be. I think that insight doesn't hit till they become a little more mature. I think it hurts more especially coming from your close family. I am sorry they don't consider how it makes you feel, knowing you would give anything to have what seems to inconvenience them.

I'm sorry to hear your IC pain is out of control. I understand how you feel, I think (a little). I was promised to be 'cured' with this last surgery and look at me!! This is permanent... There's no going back ever. The best advice I can give is to really make sure you look into all your options and see at least a couple docs for their opinions. Does the pain eventually get better after the DMSO? I know there is something else they put in bladders. The specialists I worked for did it on occasion. I just can't think of the name off hand. It was for bladder CA. I wonder if it would help you. I will see if I can get ahold of my friend there and ask her for the name of the stuff.

I really hope you get to feeling better really soon.
Sending you love & hugs  

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Sep 20, 2015

Those comments are hard to ignore. Thinking and sending u hugs.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Sep 20, 2015

Those comments are hard to ignore. Thinking and sending u hugs.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Sep 21, 2015
Thank you PB.  They're very hard to ignore.  I overlook a lot of them but some just get under my skin, like that one.  I mean come on, "the struggle is real". Really???  Some days I want this want of mine to go away and other days I can't let it go.  It's disheartening to say the least.  

Thank you so much E.  Would it have been rude of me to say something?  I just want to type "You have no idea what struggle even means, try trying to get pregnant".  UGH!  And that's with me being nice about it.  It hurts even worse with it being my family.  I don't want them tippy toeing around me but still, I dunno.  
As far as my IC goes and that god awful sounding DMSO... a lady I've befriended on an IC part of facebook suggested a "cocktail" made up of Lidocaine, heparin, saline and elmiron.  Honestly, I hate that my life has come to this.  I hate everything about it.  Dealing with infertility like that isn't hard enough to dealing with an incurable bladder disease.  Not only is there no cure, it's very painful.  I just need a break.  I need one or the other OR BOTH to give me a freaking break.  I don't ask for much, ever.  I'm a really simple and easy going person and life keeps throwing **** my way.  SO after having that little rant, I'm sorry to hear about the broken promises they made you.  I hate that it's irreversible.  :(  

Thank you Yrmacias!!  

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Sep 21, 2015
I would have said that des... in a heartbeat

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Sep 21, 2015
Thank you Kellie.  I wished I had now.  I don't think it's that rude really,  other than being on her post.  I hope things are better for you!! Been thinking about cha.  

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