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Confused!

Oct 02, 2015 - 7 comments

Ms D asked me a thought provoking question this morning. Who told you you were not contributing--unworthy? Well me. I DID. Here is who. I am a little six year old girl being touched inappropriately by my step dad. Very confusing messages with that but it gets better,  at approx 8 years old come home from school with my sister. Grandma who raised us fixed sis something to eat...doesnt even look my direction...step dad fixes me something to eat cause I am crying...later step dad says all kinds of things to me but he used the situation to have his way with me. Confused. Ha. By now we got a real pattern going on and I havent even gotten to puberty. So of course I got a lot of untrue messages. I tell my mom and she does the ol not true, you misunderstood mind **** to me. So this continues until I am 16 or 17 and step dad comes to my place of employment and pulls a gun and takes me away. Confused. Ha. So cops finally get involved and he is arrested and I run away. Lived on my own and so confused. Started trying to self destruct then. Drugs, drugs, alcohol very bad behaviors.  Yeah confusing. 

So at 21 I marry to a wonderful man who had a bad childhood too. Oh no. What were we thinking? During my marriage it has been a very toxic relationship for me and probably him too. I know we messed our kids up with all the fighting. But some how we are working thru this and are trying to have a healthy relationship and are in a much better place. The kids seem to be coping well with life but I am still confused. If I  get stressed-- boom the negative self talk just starts spinning me right back to all of this. Its like watching a train wreck. I know my thoughts are very negative but I cannot seem to stop them. I know this is the answer but getting there alludes me. So I am writing all of this story to help me and hopefully it may help someone else. This much I do know even though dealing with this is very difficult it is still better than the numbing and hopefully one day I can really celebrate overcoming my childhood. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and not using this much I know.


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by spider6, Oct 02, 2015
Ohh Tressa, how brave and generous of you to share your wrenching story.  Bless you dear heart.  You are not that young girl anymore hon.  You can rest assured she's ok now.  Give it to "your Creator" and dont look back. We can't change the past and we can't predict the future.  We can only live in the now.  And right now, you are loved and safe and appreciated and respected.  

You know that I have a very similar story, right.  I just don't want to hijack your j with sharing right now.

Love you sweet Tressa ...peace and strength and light.  Xxooo

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by msdelight, Oct 02, 2015
Tressa that story is sad and tragic, my heart is hurting. Please know that when monsters like this prey on the little ones, the child always feels responsible. That guilt is innate anyway, but the abuser preys on that too and makes you think it's your fault. This is reinforced by others who don't seem to care or can't face the truth. The truth is, it was never your fault. Never. A little innocent child according to Dr Phil is like a blank slate waiting to be written upon. The adults, once marking that slate, fashions the childs sense of self worth and esteem. It is carried all the way through life. I curse these people that did this to you!
You along with all of us must now write a new story on that slate. A story of truth. A story of a kind beautiful woman who has come so far and blossomed in life in spite of tragedy.  Someone who is triumphant. That person is you. Believe it. Stop playing those old tapes. Chuck them in the fire. And may the fire come upon the person who did this for all eternity.

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by clean_in_ks, Oct 02, 2015
Oh sweet beautiful woman......my heart just wrenches to read of yet another precious woman who was violated as a little girl.  I praise you for your courage to share your pain.....and for getting off substances that numbed this pain.

I want to help you....SO BAD.....and yet I know it's something you have to do for yourself and take in baby steps as you are ready.....the healing process, I mean.

I will just share about my BESTEST, LONGEST friend in the whole wide world.....she isn't here anymore because cancer took her during the time I was bedridden awaiting surgery and I couldn't go to her...be with her.....love on her.
She and her older sister were both repeatedly raped by their alcoholic father when they were but 6 and 8 yr old little girls.  He would pick a different sister each night when he came home....and they shuddered as they lay in bed each night to think it might be "their night" but yet had to listen to him rape the other one.  I encouraged her for many years to find something, somewhere....where she felt safe...where her little child could have a voice and begin to heal.  After MANY years, she found the courage to join a small (about 10 women) sexual abuse support group.  She went for 10 YEARS, Tressa!!  It took that long for her to completely process all that she had numbed over her adult years.  She finally got to a point of peace.....and didn't feel the need to go anymore.  We lived in different states by this time....but she was helped SO MUCH by going to this small group.
It's just a suggestion, of course.....but I can attest to the fact that she was able to let her little girl out.....and give her a voice....and find comfort and peace.
Sending you all my love an prayers,
Connie

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by nonights, Oct 02, 2015
Thank each one of you beautiful souls. And to think how far I have come and still how far I have to go. It has really helped reading your comments and releasing a little of my story. I appreciate each one of you for taking the time to comment back to me. I will think on each one of your suggestions and I do agree I need to let it go. Just working on how. Really thank you!

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by VICourageous, Oct 02, 2015
I am so so so sorry to hear this. I just want to destroy the person who did this. God will take care of this but the damage in you is there. I had gone to a few groups before, but regarding a different situation. She said that we all carry some skeletons in a pouch on our hip..(sort of speaking). She said that we must get the Support we need to let these thing out for good.
I was also told to listen and meditate by doing some Mindfulness Tapes. My situation is nothing compared to what you have been through. But it did help a bit to let some of these issues out slowly. Just a thought!

I agree with the others too!

You are a Child of God!
We Love You!
Bless

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by Jade59, Oct 02, 2015
I am so sorry, Noni (you, too, Spider).  There are too many of 'us'.  Hugs...xo

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by meegWpaw, Oct 02, 2015
I am sorry Tressa and Spider and Jada.  really i cant bear to even think about these things ... i am so sorry you went through that.

i love you Noni.

Meegy

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