Oct 02, 2015
Ms D asked me a thought provoking question this morning. Who told you you were not contributing--unworthy? Well me. I DID. Here is who. I am a little six year old girl being touched inappropriately by my step dad. Very confusing messages with that but it gets better, at approx 8 years old come home from school with my sister. Grandma who raised us fixed sis something to eat...doesnt even look my direction...step dad fixes me something to eat cause I am crying...later step dad says all kinds of things to me but he used the situation to have his way with me. Confused. Ha. By now we got a real pattern going on and I havent even gotten to puberty. So of course I got a lot of untrue messages. I tell my mom and she does the ol not true, you misunderstood mind **** to me. So this continues until I am 16 or 17 and step dad comes to my place of employment and pulls a gun and takes me away. Confused. Ha. So cops finally get involved and he is arrested and I run away. Lived on my own and so confused. Started trying to self destruct then. Drugs, drugs, alcohol very bad behaviors. Yeah confusing.
So at 21 I marry to a wonderful man who had a bad childhood too. Oh no. What were we thinking? During my marriage it has been a very toxic relationship for me and probably him too. I know we messed our kids up with all the fighting. But some how we are working thru this and are trying to have a healthy relationship and are in a much better place. The kids seem to be coping well with life but I am still confused. If I get stressed-- boom the negative self talk just starts spinning me right back to all of this. Its like watching a train wreck. I know my thoughts are very negative but I cannot seem to stop them. I know this is the answer but getting there alludes me. So I am writing all of this story to help me and hopefully it may help someone else. This much I do know even though dealing with this is very difficult it is still better than the numbing and hopefully one day I can really celebrate overcoming my childhood. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and not using this much I know.