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Another lost day

Mar 14, 2010 - 0 comments










From 3:30 yesterday afternoon I've been in my nightgown. Didn't brush teeth, wash face or any of that. ( I need to come up with a name for this. Hygiene non-compliance?) NHC - Ok, that's done, been meaning to do that. Wow, I actually accomplished something today.
Watched SEC tournament and then chatted with others on Facebook about the win.
Talked to a friend, she called me, I called her back and she never returned my call. Made me very mad and I composed a rather nasty email to her that she'd get at work the next day. Then, deleted the nasty parts after giving it some thought. A friend is having a marital crisis and "no one is supposed to know details", but everyone knows the details but no one can let anyone know they know and it's all BS. I hate for people to tell me secrets, then find out they've told everyone else the same thing and also told them it was a secret. Then they call and all want to go out for St. Patty's Day and I guess no one is supposed to mention this - it will be the elephant in the room and I don't like it. I guess I should just keep my nose out of it and my mouth shut.
I don't like this day. I stay on the couch, don't clean the house, smoke cigarettes and do my usual TV watching and hiding out.
I've been off work now over a year and there are so many things I could have accomplished. Travel somewhere. Learn how to play the guitar or the piano. I've had all day every day to do something but I have no energy or motivation to do a thing unless it is an appointment and I don't cancel.
Tomorrow I go to the Health Department to see the doctor. She doesn't even make eye contact with me and knows very little about BP. She cut back my Clonopin and told me it was "too much". I think what the hell does SHE know? She treats sore throats and does pap smears all day... I think she could care less. I go to comp care in hopes that I can get in to see their ONE psychiatrist. There is a long waiting list and you need to see the counselor
many, many times to ever get referred to him.
I pick up Abilify tomorrow to add to the cocktail...don't know why, but I assume it is to life me from the depression. Sometimes I think, "just give me speed!" I could at least get something done, my Christmas tree is still up, Geez.
Tomorrow is another day, and I just need to think it might be better. At night, I get a lot of energy, and think about exercising or dancing and singing. This will I know continue to keep me from sleeping, then I worry about not sleeping. It is a strange combination of mentally wanting to do something but always talking myself out of it. I did manage to make dinner, and decided after watching Food, Inc and "The Cove", that I don't want to eat fish or meat anymore, so threw away all my meat products. I know vegan friends, and think I could do it easily. Meat now turns my stomach. Especially fast food meat.
I loved McDonalds as a fast food treat now and then but I'll have to treat myself other ways. Perhaps I'll drop those 5-10extra pounds I have around my belly.

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