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So Much Stress :(

Jul 16, 2008 - 4 comments

Hey everyone! this is my first time posting one of these journal things but I've been feeling really stressed and despressed lately and I honestly have no one else to really talk to. Let me start off with saying I'm 20 yeah I'm still young but what matters is I'm an adult have a very loving faincee that loves me threw the bad and the good! We have our own place and I'm back in college for the second time trying to get my second degree! Threw all this life seems to only be getting worst for me. It's my family they really don't seem to understand the choices I make. I have a father that can be the racist man on earth yet the sweetest and threw all the bad my love for him is still strong I'm guessing because he raised me. But his nonsense is starting to grow old to me. He doesn't approve of my relationship with William! He complains to me all the time and lets me know how disapointed he is in me. It hurts me so much and he see's all my pain yet he still does it. All my life I dreamed of having a man that truly loved me for me and having my father walk me down the asle was my one wish but it seems now that Ive found my soulmate my father has turned his back on me. He refuses to see how happy this one person makes me! Or maybe he does see it and just doesnt care! He still treats me like I'm a little kid.Before I moved out he didn't even allow me to spend the night my friends house who lived three blocks do and I was 19 at the time. I wasn't allowed to go out past 11 or even go out with my fiancee. I had to sneak out with him most of my relationship and he didn't even show up for my engagement party! He's always telling me I need to come home but what he doesn't seem to understand is I've already made a home with the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with! But still he complains. At night I can't help but cry and feel so confused and lost. I thought I was suppose to be happy and life yet I feel like I'm committing a crime. It's like my father is giving me a choice to come home and be miserable or be with William but lose the love of my dad. The man I love more then seeing night and day! What I'am suppose to do. Without my family I feel like I'm losing so much but without William I'll feel like I gave up on the one man that was willing to stand by my threw everything he picked me up when I was down! How can he not see my happiness? Ughhh then it's my mom. She hasn't been the best mother in the world but I still love her to death. She was the one person that stood by myside threw alot but she also talks bad about me when I'm not around! How can a mother make her child look bad. Fill the family with believing lies about me and making them think of me as a bad person as being evil. At times I just wish I could disappear and never return! My head continues to spend in circles! I feel happines but I also feel so much pain! As if things couldn't get worst my sister whom is like my bestfriend has started to complain to me. Telling me I don't spend enough time with her. I don't understand how she could say that when mostly everytime me and my fiancee or my friends go out I take her. She's 19 without a single friend. But I don't blame her for her shyness I blame my father for keeping her sheltered making her think it's wrong to be like me and have a freaking life. Making her think I'm nothing more then a low life person. Everytime I visit right infront of me he'll tell her to never be like me and she's his only daughter! How is that suppose to make me feel? It hurts but I'm guessing my father wants to see me in pain! My mother stand by and most of the time says nothing. I know she sides with me when no ones around but when I'm gone I can only imagine what she says about me. I'm so tired of taking my angry out on William or crying every single night thinking of how I'm losing the people that's suppose to be in my life forever! I don't know if they will ever understand the fact that I'm grown and I'm not trying to trun my back on them I'm just trying to be an adult. I'm trying to live my life to make me happy. But how can I when I have them trying to hold me back? When I don't listen to my dad they go around telling family I'm wild I'm disrespectful and I'm this or that. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bad person? If I should live my life the way they want just t please them. I can't help but feel so alone in the world. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to. It seems as if everyone has their ears closed!

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419964 tn?1333301906
by msgorgeous, Jul 16, 2008
In the end your going to have to do what makes YOU happy its your life live it the way you want, it may hurt you but again its your life to live not theres. you cant make everyone happy. maybe your dad feels like hes losing you. especially now that your getting married your sister may feel the same way. good luck in your future decisons. tho they may be hard but do what makes you happy in the long run :)

458937 tn?1271194781
by casandbaby, Jul 16, 2008
family should love you unconditionaly(sp?) and be there for you no matter what and if they can accept you for who you are or want to be with then maybe you should take a break from them for a while give them time and hopefully they'll come around. I don't think they'll be happy if you please them maybe for a short while but in the long run they won't. to me the decision is easy and i know that you love your family and such but your not always going to please them and why sacrifice your happiness for theres when they won't do the same for you. it's time to start your own family and if they don't want to be a part of it then thats something they have to live with you can only do so much. I know it must be hard but it seems like they could care less. do you really want your future children to grow up around people who treat you like that. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, im not trying to be and i know i don't know your family but it doesn't seem like they deserve you. I hope for the best for you =] don't let them stress you out :) life is far to short

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by Willswifey9307, Jul 16, 2008
Thank you both very much for your comments I really appericate you taking the time out to respond. I'll keep everything you both say in mind. As for casandbaby no of course you don't sound harsh your telling me your opinion and so far its the same as all my friends! thanks alot girls i'll update you and all let you know what happeneds

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by Hopin2BAMommy, Sep 10, 2008
Wow, I don't know you but can relate to you so very much. I hate to hear what you are going thru. I am too 20 living with my fiance with a racist father. I am Romanian and Caucasion. My father being Romanian and verry racist. My fiance is african-american. I love my fiance with all my heart. I don't face what u face because I've shut my father out of my life. That may not sound right to some but he left my mom when she was pregnant with the youngest, which was nearly 15yrs ago. I grew up around him but was raised by mother. He has basically disowned me because of my fiance. He disapproves so much. But I was not raised to be racist. I believe everyone is equal. I do not see color. Now I know you say your father raised you but you know what live to make YOU happy. You only have one life and you deserve to live your life the way you want to. Don't let anyone, including your father validate who are or your future. If he truely and deeply loves you he will put aside what he beleives and accept your decision because as your parent his only mission in life should to ensure your happiness. I know this will hurt but you need to shut away negativity from your life or disregaurd it and move on. Be strong, I will pray that God will soften your fathers heart. I hope that everything works out the way God has intended for you because in the end, its up to him- He makes all the decisions but its your duty to choose the right path!

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