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Relapse

Jul 20, 2008 - 14 comments

My friends it's time for me to admit to a recent relapse for which I'm not proud and in need of support and courage to stop taking these damn pills again.
In honestly this started out due to some high pain issues which are due to my health issues. I had been handling it fairly well pill free and then the pain got bad, my emotions went nuts, and I started to use again about 2-3 weeks ago. Needless to say it didn't take long for my to get right back up to nearly the same amount of opiate use as before except I'm not using my DOC. My DOC is Oxy so in the moment when I used I decided to use Roxicodone instead thinking that would be better for me. NOT!
How sad this truly is as I had right at 90 days clean and somehow I let the pain get the best of me. The question still remains in my mind how will I deal with my pain issues and not use since any type of Aleve or anything that has anything except for acedaminfin(sp?) will irritate my stomach ulcers. Take a plain old Tylenol doesn't even touch a headache for me much less any pain that my body is enduring. Even with all of these health issues I honestly want to get clean and remain clean because I want my life back and this isn't the way to get it.

Go ahead my friends and tell me how you feel!! I'm ready and waiting for whatever you throw at me, goodness knows I deserve it! I'm so sorry to all of you that worked so hard with me to keep me clean but I assure you I do want this but I made a mistake and now I'm so scared that I feel paralyzed, almost like a deer in headlights! I beg your forgiveness and pray for your help and support!

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Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 20, 2008
Sweetie, you know I love you and have known about this since we are good friend! you know that I am behind you 100%.I wish we lived closer!!!.You know what you have to do. I am so glad you made this step.I know it's hard but honey this is addiction. Relapse is par for the course and each time we learn something more..(i believe). Please do not beat yourself up as thats not going to help. You are here and ready to do this again and I am here for you along with many others. it is not my place nor is it any others to judge you. We have all been there. So i will tell you this. I LOVE YOU TO PIECES...now call me..LOL  Love your my friend  Lisa

460948 tn?1232302122
by Rose703, Jul 20, 2008
Lisa thank you for such kind words! I've heard that often time relapse is a part of recovery but I was hoping to never relapse, LOL, well didn't do so well with that one!! You're right about one thing I have learned alot about myself and this awful addiction during this relapse.
You're aware of my many medical conditions but this time I'm scared. My liver enzymes are through the roof and I'm not even using anything with tylenol in it so this is something that probably has to do with my lupus, but I often wonder how in the world I'm supposed to deal with this awful pain without meds! It's scary but I know that since I have no control over myself with meds then there just has to be another way! I'm now determined to find that way and put this addiction in it's place which is to kick it right out of my life!!
I love you too my friend and I can't thank you enough for all that you do for me! You're absolutely AWESOME!!

557230 tn?1269429829
by wanttobeclean, Jul 20, 2008
Rose...I haven't had a chance to get to know you well..but unfortunately I know the addiction all too well.  Just like Lisa said...don't let this hold you down.  You know what you have to do.  Its hard as hell...you know that but so worth it.  As for dealing with the pain, I'm not sure if you would consider it, but I have found a lot of relief from acupuncture.  Not sure how real it is or if it's all in my head...honestly I don't care because it works...and it won't hurt your liver or your stomache.  I had terrible headaches for a year from a disc problem in my neck, and 3 sessions of acupuncture took it away completely.  It was amazing!  Just a thought.  I'll be praying for you and sending big hugs your way.

442658 tn?1563386491
by merrymaria, Jul 20, 2008
please remember that we are all human beings and that we all make mistakes and please do not think awful of yourself.  I know you do not want to go back to that dark place.   Look at this as part of your history and remember you can get back on your feet and stand tall again.  things like this happen.  you are not the only one and thank God you know you made a mistake which is perfectly normal.  I read somewhere on this forum that drug addicts like myself and others and the most giving, loving, kind hearted people out there, but we have a hard time coming through when we are not on drugs  if that makes sense.  just feel better...its ok..you know what you did now you can move on.  it will not screw up your clean days, only a mistake.  as for pain I ve tried advil  made my stomach sick so I take just plain aspirin now.  helps some..i deal with the pain cos i know i cant take anything else.  Please feel better and dont worry.  it will be ok and get better.  Wishing you lots of luck and if you need me leave me a note...love always, maria

Avatar universal
by joann1975, Jul 20, 2008
Oh honey...don't beat yourself up ok? I know your medical and pain issues are terrible. I wish there was a magical answer to fix it w/o pain meds. I am sorry you have relapsed... but you don't have to ask my forgiveness...I love you no matter what... I am your friend through thick and thin ok? I know we don't talk everyday but that doesn't mean anything...I still think of you often and pray for you. I am here if you need me!
Love & Hugs,
JoAnn

541953 tn?1262586226
by scaredmom330, Jul 20, 2008
please don't beat yourself up..I don't have an addiction but from talking to all my friends here who do, this seems to happen sometimes, you are gonna make it. We all believe in you, I'm sure lots of people here have and will be in your shoes, just start over, you can do it again, and believe me there are wonderful people here to help. I haven't met you yet but if you need to talk I'm here for you.

God Bless
Karen

540310 tn?1343624120
by ings81, Jul 20, 2008
Hi Iam so sorry for the way your feeling 90 days clean is fantastic. Your only human and there is only so much pain you can tolerate I understand how you feel i honestly do. I am pretty sure relapse is a part of recovery because it makes you angry at yourself for giving in and you become more determined to beat your addiction. At least you admitted you relapsed and your reaching out. I am here for you always and thankyou for being there for me I havn't told anyone in my family not even my husband about my addiction and i have been clean for 9 days now and i know what a struggle this is hang in there stop being hard on your self i know i will more than likely give in because it gets to a point were it is all you can think about. I don't feel so alone anymore thankyou.

you are in my thoughts Love Ingridxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :-) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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by dominosarah, Jul 20, 2008
You dont have to ask for anyones forgiveness here.  You are a wonderful lady.  We havent talked but i read what you post and you have a heart of gold.  Keep posting here as we are here to help you and support you through anything.  You are important so stay here and lean on us.             sara

563594 tn?1309583132
by Mandapanda17, Jul 20, 2008
hi! i know you'll be able to overcome this again. thank you for your words of encouragement to me as well!! I know if I can do it, you can too! I relapsed quite a few times in the past and haven't even made it to 90 days before! that still is a big accomplishment for you and I'm sure you'll prove as strong again! take care! :)

563594 tn?1309583132
by Mandapanda17, Jul 20, 2008
hi! i know you'll be able to overcome this again. thank you for your words of encouragement to me as well!! I know if I can do it, you can too! I relapsed quite a few times in the past and haven't even made it to 90 days before! that still is a big accomplishment for you and I'm sure you'll prove as strong again! take care! :)

563594 tn?1309583132
by Mandapanda17, Jul 20, 2008
hi! i know you'll be able to overcome this again. thank you for your words of encouragement to me as well!! I know if I can do it, you can too! I relapsed quite a few times in the past and haven't even made it to 90 days before! that still is a big accomplishment for you and I'm sure you'll prove as strong again! take care! :)

460948 tn?1232302122
by Rose703, Jul 20, 2008
Thanks to all of you for the sweet words. I now know that a huge trigger for me is my health issues. The more bad things I find out the madder I get and eventually it lead me back to drugs. I have to find a emotional way to handle the health issues without hiding behind the pain meds. The truth is no matter how much I run I can't forever hide from what's happening to my body and I'm being selfish and taking precious time away from my family. I need to be strong now and with all of you behind me, once again, I know I can do this!!

Avatar universal
by gator145, Jul 21, 2008
Hello Rose,
I read your journal.. In doing that I recognize you are concerned how others percieve you because you relapsed.... Don't be.....
I really think the important issue here is how you percieve yourself... Are you happy, are you at peace with the choices you have made? I don't think so...  That recognized, the next step is to try to get back to where you was... If you abuse yourself mentally over what has happened you probably will not get past it.... So don't beat yourself up... Listen to our friends here we will all help you....... You seem quite dissatisfied with the events that have taken place and the time you have lost......Pull yourself up, we will dust you off and head toward sucess once more....Your desire and determination to beat this problem is what will get you healthy..... Keep up the struggle..... Also lets see if you can get alternative  meds for pain..... My prayers and thoughts are with you so hold on tight, lets get back and past where you was OK?   Gator

499376 tn?1300044956
by amy1439, Jul 29, 2008
i to relapsed recently all we can do is not beat are selves up and try again you are determined and you will over come it will be hard but stay the course and lean on your friends that what there for 'll be thinking of you and praying for the both of us

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