Nov 24, 2015
todays been tough.. Not dope sick tough but its been a mentally tough day. Im a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and two things happened today that stand out to me and that I consider signs that maybe my addiction is starting to become apparent. 1. I was talking with my roommates and saying how I felt kind of depressed today and he asked me point blank if I was on drugs and I came back quickly with the comment "I think I need some drugs." It wasn't funny to me at all it made me think they know which causes me extreme anxiety being I am a pilot and could loose my dream job very easily if word gets around that I have an addiction problem. Because I love my job and the pilot life style so much I will not allow this addiction to cause me to fail at any point in my career including now. November 23 I used 190mg of opana.. Slightly more or slightly less.. not sure exactly how much but it was something close to that. IM OVER IT! I am spending every dollar I have on not being high but keeping myself from becoming sick and I will not pay another dollar. I've been to 2 rehabs and stayed the whole 42 days but relapsed within a month both times. I am a professional addict 100%, I know all the ins and outs and know my body very well when It comes to how much I can do at once to keep from being obviously high. Im 100% not myself on these at all but the people I am with day in and day out do not know that because they've only been exposed to the high me but today is the last day that they will know him because its time for me to make a change. Ive felt depressed today because ive been thinking a lot about where im at in my life which is a great place but im here and have a horrible addiction to opana. I truly love it. I live a normal life and fly daily and if I don't have it im to sick to fly so I have accumulated 11 sub strips which are going to be my way of detoxing off of opana. I have enough pill pieces left to have something to wake up to so im not dying first thing in the morning of November 24th 2015. No more isolation no more horrible diet, no more loosing weight from not eating, no more hiding the truth. Im going to be a success story that I hope everyone on this website can look at and know that they can do it too. Im truly going to miss the feeling but I know in my heart that im such a better person without it and I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I want to feel as free on the ground as I do in the air when im flying a plane and for those who haven't experienced it. Flying is a feeling of true freedom or atleast the closest thing I know of to it. While on opana my daily habits include waking between 7AM and 12PM depending on when I must be at the airport. I usually fly about 2 to 4 hours a day and once I am done I grab some food and go back to the house where I either study, sleep, or watch Netflix. I currently have no social life other then with my pilot friends who I live with and who I am around at the airport. I have no girlfriend and am in no state to have one being I cant even take care of myself at this time. My goals in life are to become an airline pilot for delta or American Airlines and fly for as long as my health will allow me, I also want a wife and family to share my time with and enjoy company. For me to accomplish these things I have to make one true sacrifice and this, ending my addiction, is it. My journals will not continue to be this long but because this is my first I want everyone who reads this to know where I stand. I do believe that for the amount of opana I am doing daily for the past 5 months (past 2 being the worst) I have accomplished a lot. including getting 2 of my pilots licenses and leaving the town that I was getting the drugs from. VERY HARD to do but I have done it and it is time for me to stop procrastinating and to make a move toward the next step which is to stop taking opana. My plan is to stop when I run out of pieces of pills that I have left then to take a half of one of my subs when I am in withdrawl. I will only take sub when I feel it is necessary to fly or to sleep and if I cant take the withdraws. Also being that I am currently on an extremely high dose (around 180mg of opana a day) I will probably take subs for atleast a week to help ease off my high so I do not have such a huge come down. I DO NOT WANT WITHDRAWS TO CAUSE ME ANY SEIZERS OR PERMANANT DAMAGE TO MY HEALTH. My current feelings about my situation are depression and a strong overwhelming anxiety knowing that I am going to be miserable for a few weeks. This for me is very hard to grasp. I KNOW I CAN DO IT!! last thing for this journal is.... 2. I talked to my old flight instructor today and he said he has been praying for me and from what he has heard he feels like my life is taking a turn for the better. Before I started flying I was in college but was failing all my classes due to addiction and a lifestyle of having sex with beautiful women and drinking excessively ( im lucky im not dead from mixing alcohol with opana). I had a gf this summer and we broke up because I was pretty much out of control but she saw me on Halloween and said that I had changed. I seemed happier, healthier, and wasn't the drunkest one at the party. She was right.. I had started the process of turning my life around but still have a long way to go.... Cant wait to hear what she says when she meets the real me, the person I was proud to be before all of this drug crap. I hope people stick with me through out this process and see how my story may help them. ill be sure to put in as much detail of my recovery as possible.... If I feel good enough to type it out lol. WISH ME LUCK!!!