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Our Consult :(

Nov 24, 2015 - 23 comments

Oh gosh, where do I start?  

Our appointment was at 10 and we didn't get back there to see the Dr. until 11. He went over our records and Brian's analysis and told us that he had no idea why Brian on our first analysis had some sperm and on our last 2 had none.  So off we go to get checked out.  They sent us for a new SA, then I had to have a checkup/pap smear.  We met with a nurse and then had blood work done.  Brian's new SA that day showed ZERO sperm. :(  So he's sending us to a urologists down there that he corresponds with.  He said he'll do an ultrasound to see if Brian has sperm but they're blocked for some reason and if so he can extract them then and freeze them for when we're ready and if he doesn't see any at all he can do a biopsy and hope there's some in the biopsy.  

It's definitely not the news I wanted.  I was SO hopeful that after Brian being off of Clomid for about a year that he would have something again, but alas, we have nothing.  He said if we could find at least 100,000 he could work with that, especially since we're doing IVF and ICSI.  

I don't know how to feel really.  I guess numb?  Confused?    We didn't get home until after 4 yesterday evening and I guess between the stress of everything my headache turned into a full migraine. I didn't even have a chance to go through the buttload of paper work they gave us.  I came home and was in bed by 6:30.  So today I guess you can say is my "pity me" day.  I've cried several times.  I know we have other options, but it's devastating knowing that you may not have your own biological child.  Yes he/she would totally have my half, but I guess it's weird because I've always imagined myself saying things like "Omg you get that from your daddy" and now I think that if we don't find anything and we go on with DS, then technically, he/she won't have any of his traits, characteristics or whatever you call it.  I dunno, just got a thousand things going through my head today.  

So that's our consult in a nutshell.  

Thank you all So much from the bottom of my heart for all the kind words of support and all the prayers.  I've said it before and I'll continue to say it, I don't know where I'd be without you ladies.  <3

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by mhv, Nov 24, 2015
Des, you will get through this.  You have so much love in your heart.  You love your puppies as if you are actually their biological mommy and Brian is their bio daddy.  Why do you doubt that you will feel the exact same way about a child?

Do you know how many times Todd as told me that Cameron "acts just like me", or how many people tell us Drake is the spitting image of Todd? Or how how everyone tells Cami has my chin?  How much Drake has his dads personality? How many days, months pass that I never even remember these 2 aren't "genetically" ours?

Do me a favor...Read up on epigentics.  It's very interesting!   And may give you a little peace.
Des, I am adopted, and I act just like my dad.  I have my moms hands.  It's crazy!  I know my birth mom and I don't think we look/act anything alike.  

Do you believe the saying "God doesn't give us more the we can handle"?  Well, Des, God knows you have a Golden Heart... A one in a million heart.  A heart that doesn't know any discrimination.
A heart  That loves every. single.  living creature.  That helps anyone and everyone that needs it.  That could never tirn theor back on a person or an animal. He KNOWS you are the person that can handle this.  I KNOW you are a person that can embrace this and never regret your decision.
It takes a special heart, and special couple to open their hearts to "alternative" ways to have a family.  A heart I KNOW you and Brian have!!  
I think I see in you what you cannot see in yourself.  The ability to love a child, no matter what avenue is taken to achieve parenthood.  
You are looking at this as a setback.  But Des, I look at this and see so many possibilities for you.  For a person who would never ever regret the decision to alternative ways to become a parent.  
I don't have 1 doubt in my mind that once you are told there is a lil peanut or peanuts growing inside of you, that your tears of sadness will be no more.  That you will be crying the happiest tears ever. That your heart will be overflowing with so much love ....

I hope I am conveying  into words what my heart is telling me about you?  
Something just came to me Des...this may sound cheesy, but, Maybe we were suppose to become friends because
I was brought into your life for this moment.  To help pick you up, pull you up by your boot straps, and dust you off.  Tell you...GO DO,WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO to become a mom!  You have waited long enough!  You can and you will do this!  You have a man that loves you more then anything in the whole world, and will do whatever it takes to make your dreams of becoming parents  a reality.  Many men would close the door now, but he didn't.  Don't be sad!  that you have a man willing to go the distance for you.
You have got this my friend!  You have got this!

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by pb95, Nov 24, 2015
The nature vs nurture debate.  Your little spud may have just your physical characteristics, but it will emulate all the wonderful character traits B teaches by just being who he is.  Even the character traits you wish he didn't pass on!  I can barely begin to understand how hard it is but (as I learned from my acupuncturist) if it isn't something you have control over, you can't carry it in your backpack of worries to weigh you down.  You have enough worries already in there.  I wish it were different for you, and hope for good news, but know that you will see DH in your child as he/she grows and becomes an adult.  Hugs!

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by hansen20, Nov 24, 2015
My prayers are with you and your husband sweetie. I hope that there's more light at the end for you both. Sending you lots of hugs your way!

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by KTowne, Nov 24, 2015
Oh Des I'm praying they find some with the ultrasound! Don't feel defeated just yet! There's still hope!

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by krichar, Nov 24, 2015
Ok... Mel summed it right up... I can't say it better even if I tried.  We get all the time how much S looks like Jeff or is just like him and he is not his biologically. .. but been in his life since he was 1. Love has no boundaries or bloodlines. .. he/she will.have tons of traits from Brian. The little mannerisms and tidbits that make Brian who he is... they are learned and copied and mimicked. .. you know we are here for you 100% and you will need time to process but just know that if things don't go as planned (still praying they will) this is still.gonna happen :) you're gonna be a mommy :)

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by mhv, Nov 24, 2015
I came, I wish I could look into your eyes, person to person, and tell you how amazing you are, and how, no matter how your family is made, you will be an amazing mom.  When you hear the pitter patter of little feet in your house, and you see Christmas through the eyes of Your Child, I promise you, it will not matter if the moon man had dropped off a green child with purple eyes for you.  You will just beso over the moon happy that that child is yours forever!  I know you!  I know your heart!!  You have got this my friend!  

Avatar universal
by Belle313, Nov 25, 2015
I know we've talked back and forth about the DS issues that come up. We can talk about them more if you'd like. We have been/are in virtually a situation matching yours and B's. I think there are natural human instincts that others here may not of gone thru being as the circumstances just aren't the same. I don't think either one of you are opposed to DS if that's what it takes. There is a 'mourning period' (best way I can think to describe it) for BOTH of you, you go thru when you realize that it's just not gonna happen the way you always thought.  Once you have the biopsy results you either get to celebrate or mourn a little while your moving on to plan B. I won't lie...there are lots of emotions that come up when deciding on DS. It will be hard on you both because you love each other so much. I know you can get thru it though. J still has some issues & M is nearly 2 but they are issues of wishing he had a part in making his little girl. He says he made the right decision and never questions that now. It is still hard on a man's ego (I don't care what anyone says) that he isn't able to father children biologically like most everyone else. J has moved passed that now even with being teased about M looking only like momma. He's able to tease back now and say I sure hope she doesn't look like me! She'd be a pretty ugly girl then. As far as mannerisms, she's like him ALOT and he's not around much. She's also like me in a not so flattering way sometimes. I really think most of that is learned. Also remember you can have a photo match done on DS and you do get to know about the donor and family history.

I think you both need a little time to recover from the consult and then you will be able to think clearly about your choices. Be good to yourself and make sure B does the same. You need each other even if he's not showing it. I think what makes this journey so difficult is all the crazy emotions involved. The things we do for love.

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by KTowne, Nov 25, 2015
Mhv could not have said it better. You have a heart of gold and no matter who the child is "biologically" there will be no question who's child it is, you are going to be a fantastic mother, no matter how he/she gets here and all of us are waiting for the day to celebrate with you!!

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by Des_a_rae, Nov 25, 2015
Thank you ladies so much!!

Mel, I was literally crying, boohoo crying reading your reply. I'd love for that to be us. I have no doubt he/she will pick up our traits and I can't help but think of that.  There's no doubt, ever, that I wouldn't love her/him and I know Brian would be the same.  He had girlfriends before me (years and years ago lol) that had babies/kids and I saw pictures of him with them like on Christmas morning and he was so kind, gentle and loving towards them.  It was amazing and babies/kids even now are drawn to him so I always knew without a doubt he'd make an amazing father, no matter how we get there.  I don't have a problem at all with DS and I know it's going to be a different kind of situation to discuss if and when it comes to that and that's fine.  I want us to be on the same page.  I'm going to be with this amazing man the rest of my life no matter what.  Whether we have no kids and 10 dogs or 2 kids that are purple and green. ;)    I absolutely loved reading this...   Do you know how many times Todd as told me that Cameron "acts just like me", or how many people tell us Drake is the spitting image of Todd? Or how how everyone tells Cami has my chin?  How much Drake has his dads personality? How many days, months pass that I never even remember these 2 aren't "genetically" ours? made my heart smile beyond believe.  I love it!!  Thank you so much for everything!!  

Thank you so much PB.  I cannot wait for that day.  I don't care how we get there.  I cannot wait to be a mother.  I know without a doubt we'll see ourselves in our kids.  :)  You're so right, I cannot control this outcome.  I cannot make sperm be there no matter what.  We'll just deal with what we're given and make the best of it.  No matter what, I want us to be parents, I want us to be a family with a child or children.  

Thank you Hansen.  I hope so too.  I know there is and I should be focusing on that.  Thank you again!!

Thank you so much KTowne, I cannot wait to be able to congratulate all of you MH Aunties!!  :P  I'm so thankful for you all and I would be so proud to introduce my baby to all of you.  

Thank you so much Kellie. I love hearing about S and Jeff.  My heart swells even more with happiness reading all of this.  I cannot wait for that day.  You're so right.  Love is love no matter what. I would love to be a mother and seeing how Brian is with babies/kids I cannot wait for him to be a father.  A father to our child.  I want to see him do fatherly things.  Teaching our child to work on a car (boy or girl, yes lol) or play football.  I want to see him melt in her tiny little hand.  I want to see him be so proud of a sweet baby boy.  I want so many of these amazing things and I can't wait to experience them with him.  I want this for us.  

Thank you so much E.  Yes, I do think IF that's what it comes down to it's going to take some adjusting.  We're not against it at all.  Brian is not a person that thinks ahead really, when it comes to this.  He wants to deal with things as they are and when they come to us and that's fine.  I'm more of a planner, I like a plan ahead of time just in case, but I know this is a very delicate situation and we're taking it day by day, test by test.  He doesn't talk much about it but at different times he'll ask me things.  I'm sure it bothers him, without a doubt and especially not knowing why he's not producing any when the first time he had some.  It's very confusing to us both.  I want to know how he's feeling about it all so far and when I get a chance, hopefully in the next several days we can have some quite time and talk about the info we've been given so far.  I love this man more than life itself.  I believe without a doubt God put him in my life when I needed him the most.  We are 1 and I want us to be on the same page.  This is going to take some time, getting everything done so we can start deciding on where we want to go from there.  It's hectic with all the holidays coming up so it may be around the 1st of the year.  I don't want to rush into anything..we'll take out time.  I love hearing how M acts like J, ALOT even lol.  And like yourself!  That's so cute.  

Thank you ladies so much.  You've opened my eyes in amazing ways and melted my heart at the same time.  I cannot wait to have a child with this wonderful man.  I may, if it's okay with you ladies (if it comes down to the DS conversation) let him read this journal and your replies.  I want him to see the stories of those that have been there.  

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by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
I wanted to tell you that Todd and I entered onto this the complete opposite.  It was me that had the issues.  I was 40.  We never ever tried IVF with my own eggs.  We went right into donor eggs.  I went into it that I wanted the best chance for it to work.  One of my close friends donated her eggs to use.  Unfortunately, none of those transfers gave us our child(ren).  We were moving ahead with a guaranteed donor program.  ( we take a baby home, or all money refunded) when someone on here approached me about receiving their remaining embryos.  I approached Todd about it, and it took him time.  I never had a double this was the road that would bring our children to us.  I remember being so afraid that they would donate those embryos to someone ese before we excepted, and i kept in constant contact with her hoping she wiuld be patient..after 2 months, Todd finally decided, for whatever reason, that he too wanted to go this route.  And the rest is history.  Todd never mentioned it again.  He has never brought it up.  I have asked him several times in the past few years, if he has any regrets, complaints, hesitations about the route we took, and he has immediately answered "no".  
And Cameron has not been the easiest child!  Trust me, she hasn't.  But, she is our daughter.  :-).

Des, after 6 failed transfers, the one thing I truly believe is God gives you the children you are meant to have.  
And God has the journey for you to find them all ready planned out.  Now, that doesn't mean you won't take detours, and you won't take the long way there.... But, he will lead and guide you right exact place that you are suppose to be to receive your children.  

If that is biological, DS, or DE or DA.  God will lead you right there!  I promise!  Just open your eyes, your mind, and your heart to his plan for you.  You 2 are in this for the long hull!  IT IS YOUR TIME!  

You mean the world to me Des, and I will help carry you when you feel weak, when you feel scared, I will be here.  When you have to start the meds, the appointments, the shots...I will be checking in with you.  All. The. Time.  
2016 is YOUR year!!!

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by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
And I also wanted to add, Todd has even been ok with the kids all meeting.  Regularly.  And there is a new "family member", a little girl, that is being born in February.  We all went on a short trip this past summer...

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by Des_a_rae, Nov 25, 2015
I'm so thankful that you have your beautiful babies Mel.  I hate the roads and the challenges we have to face to get there, but in the end, I see the love...I see the reason why.  I've witnessed all of that here.  This place and you ladies have a very special place in my heart.  I have love for you all that I cannot even begin to describe.  I'm thankful beyond words.  

I agree about God giving us the children we're meant to have, the same way he put Brian in my life at exactly the right moment.  He knows all and he knows when, I just have to trust him.  I'm trying to let go of the fears and the worry and hold on to more hope.  I don't know the time or the day, but I do know we'll get there trusting in him.  

Thank you so much Mel.  I feel a lot better today after reading everyone's reply. I can't wait to go through this journey with you all.   :)

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by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
Yay!  This is the Des I know!!  Now you have me crying!  let the journey begin!!!!!  Love you!

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
And read up on epigentics.... I think it will you see that your child WILL pick things up from you AND Brian is  DS, DE, DA is needed.

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by Des_a_rae, Nov 25, 2015
Thank you!  Headed there now to read up on it. :)  <3

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by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
Will you let me know what you think?  Maybe try DS and epigentics, or EA, ED and epigentics...

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by Des_a_rae, Nov 25, 2015
Yes I'll let you know.  It's busy here today.  I tried skimming through it but it looks very detailed and honestly confusing just skimming through so I'll check again later.  We've got to be at the inlaws for our Thanksgiving this afternoon.  :)

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by mhv, Nov 25, 2015
That's cool. Definitely look under DS and epigentics...much easier to understand!  Lol!  

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by melimeli, Nov 25, 2015
Don't let sper m be the reason you don't become a mommy.  please.  MHV:  I didn't know that another family got their miracle!  So glad!  good luck!

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by Hollus, Nov 25, 2015
Des, I am so sorry to hear this! I know how much you want a LO of your own to raise and nurture and help grown into a wonderful person. You are an amazing lady and I know that one way or another, you will get the child or children you have been praying for!! I know it seems slim but there is still hope that Brian has sperm. I will pray that the doc finds them. Sounds like there were some before! Maybe look into some natural remedies for men to boost sperm count and see if that helps things. Some of the ones I saw only take 3 months to produce results. There are all kinds of accounts of people being told they'd never have children and then BAM, they find out they're pregnant! I will keep praying for you and your hubby for peace no matter the outcome and for BFP soon, soon, soon!!! **HUGS** and hang in there my friend!!

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by TTC2006, Nov 25, 2015
Hugs Des!   One thing that always got me through the years of my infertility battles was knowing that I knew the end of the story. I would have a child. How I got there was the unanswered part, but I one way or another, I would be a mom.  Believe that fur you too!

I will hope for you that there is sperm there on a biopsy, only because that will be the "easiest" road.  If there isn't, just know that this is not the end of your story!

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by journey2motherhood, Dec 02, 2015
Well I totally missed this and I'm sorry for chiming in so late lol.  Ugh.  But I think well actually I know Mel has said everything I would have said lol.  I know first hand, I get the same comments all the time, Alex looks like you, he has your _____________, he acts like you, and although I see none of it, I don't care anymore.  It doesn't matter to me how my boys came into my life because they are my boys and I love them.  It's a long rough road for many of us who have trouble having our own children.  But I agree with Mel, you have this Des! Do whatever it takes, both Mel and I did, we have no regrets.  (And I have an autistic son, who is a handful, I'm exhausted but It doesn't matter) I love my boys, MY boys.  :-)  Go be a mom, go ahead, go lol :-)

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by Des_a_rae, Dec 02, 2015
Thank you Meli!!

Aww Hollus, thank you so much. Yes that's what has confused us the most.  He had some, it was very little but it was something.  Now we have nothing.  I'm praying the urologists can give us many more answers and praying they find something.  Brian is stubborn and I hope his "little fellas" are stubborn like him. lol.  

TTC that's a great way to look at it.  I'm dwelling on things I cannot change and I should be looking at the bigger picture. All of this is going to get us to the family we want to be.  To a child that's ours no matter how or what.  Thank you!!!

AWw journey it's okay.  Thank you so much.  I am giggling at the "Go be a mom, go ahead, go".  I love it!!  I love seeing my friends become mothers.  It's amazing and it melts my heart in a way I cannot explain.  I can't wait to have that feeling for myself.  

I apologize for not getting back sooner to you ladies.  It's been crazy here.  

Thank you all so much for everything!!  

Mel, I still need to get around to reading on DS and Epigenetics.  I promise I will!!  

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