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day 12

Apr 10, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm doing better than I was yesterday. I think I overreacted to things with my husband yesterday. I think my brain chemistry is still pretty wacky. I have a tendancy to think people are more mad at me than they are even when my brain isn't a scrambled mess. We talked last night and I think he's just been really stressed out about other things and also worried about me. He said it terrified him to see how sick I was and he's afraid of losing me. He also said I've been different for a while and he's been concerned. I don't know... I love him SO much but sometimes it really seems like he wants me to be something I can never be (i.e. the perfect stay at home trophy wife with no aspirations for anything more). I never feel like I can be myself. I have a feeling that's more my issue than his though. He's never mean to me on any level. A little grouchy and bossy sometimes but I think I push him to that point - although not on purpose. He's very protective of me which is nice in a way but sometimes when he just gets it in his head to take over and tell me exactly what I can and can't do I get kind of frustrated. I guess that's why I don't feel like I can tell him about the other major issue in my life right now. For one thing, he'll be furious that I didn't tell him in the first place, and for another thing, I know he'll overreact in a major way. I would feel so much better if I could tell him! mainly because he usually knows what to do to fix things. I also know that I have to start being able to solve things on my own more too but this just seems too big. It was much easier to deal with all this on the pills, but that was just like being a prisoner to something else and I'm so tired of that! I thinks thats why I like being at school so much. I feel very competant there. I'm doing very well and have a reputation for being smart and having it together (even though that may be an illusion ;) Here at home that's not so much the case.

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