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3 Months

Dec 16, 2015 - 0 comments

It's been three months since I woke up with a malfunctioning right hand. I have experienced pain in my right arm every single day for 25% of one year now. I haven't felt the normal sensation of holding my husband's hand or caressing my children's faces since September 12, 2015.

Things got worse first, then better, then the diagnosis was made real in November. I have been waiting for these symptoms to subside, but now that I have officially hit three months, I feel there is little point in expecting any further improvement.

Thus far, Gabapentin isn't taking away the pain - I will work up to the full 1800 mg/day, but at 1200 mg/day, I'm just not really feeling the impact any longer. With holiday stress, I am noticing a definite worsening of my symptoms, which I have read was to be expected. It's my first time really putting it together, though, and I'm having a tough time accepting this new normal.

I am waiting for my insurance to approve or deny my doctor's appeal for Plegridy. I'm wondering if that will be another 3-month wait. And in the meantime, with no crystal ball to see what is happening inside my CNS, I wonder and worry about the damage that may be growing. I also wonder how I will tolerate the drug; what will the impact of that be on my family & career?

Just some ramblings to get these thoughts out of my head. Three months is a long time, yet I already know it will feel like a time warp pretty soon. I wonder if I will be longing for these days in the not-so-distant-future?

I am really looking forward to having the next two weeks off of work. It has become such a grind for me, and I am hoping that having some time away will help me to re-frame and focus on the positives. I have a blessed life, and I desperately wish to go back to September 12 - the day before all of this happened - and to really live that day over again with full joy and understanding of the blessings in my life, big and small. My goal in 2016 is to reclaim that joy, to focus on the positives, to make time for me amidst all of the "to do" lists, and to cherish the here-and-now with a new appreciation for the reality that the future is completely unknown.


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