Dec 18, 2015
Our urologists is an hour and a half away so we had to be there early. We both were under the impression from the nurse at the fertility clinic that we'd be able to have an ultrasound done on Brian and they'd be able to either see some sperm or not. SO I was hoping we'd leave with an answer. We get here and he plainly tells us (after I ask since he didn't mention it first) there's no way to do an ultrasound to see if Brian has sperm or not. Automatically let down :( . So he examined Brian and told him in his left testicle he had a small varicocele but it would not be the cause for Brian's situation. Our only option is a testicular biopsy. That sounds great, it's an option but there's a million things running through my mind.
1.) There's no guarantee there's anything there. 2.) There's no guarantee that IF they do find anything at all they'll be "healthy" enough to use. 3.) What if we don't do it and there's millions there. 4.) That's a lot more money than what we have since our insurance won't be covering this probably. 5.) I don't want to push Brian into anything just yet. He's talking about having this done and that's good enough for me. 6.) I mentioned other options on the way home from the appointment like DS and so forth and he only said "yeah" so I know he's not this second ready to talk about that just yet. I mean hell we just found out he'd have to have a biopsy so I'm not going to shove ideas in his face just yet.
I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer but it never fails...Every time we think we're moving ahead, we get shoved backwards. I'm SO ANGRY I can't even describe. I'm pissed off at the whole situation and then I'm heartbroken. I never thought we'd be here, ever. I mean who does? Then to be here finally and **** still going wrong. I just want it all over with. I want to be a year down the road and a sweet precious baby in our arms. Poor Brian on the way home, bless his heart said "okay, what if I keep my boys cooler and take vitamin's and do this different and do that different and repeat the SA?" By the way the urologists talked no matter what we do like what Brian mentioned will help anything. We've got to find out why he's not producing anything anymore. I know he's thinking about all the things he could do differently and honestly my heart breaks for him. I want him to know this is a "us" situation, not a "him". WE will get through this, we're in it for the long haul. He's the love of my life and we'll be together till the end regardless of 5 babies OR us and 7 dogs. I don't know how things will turn out but I want him to know that he's mine and I'm his, always.
So that's how it went, in a nut shell. I've got a gazillion things going through my head and I'm sure he does also. We'll both talk more this weekend when we have quiet time.