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Dreading/Excited about upcoming baby shower.

Jan 12, 2016 - 18 comments

So my LITTLE BABY sister is just a month away from being due.  Her due date is February 17th and we're having her shower this Saturday.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions I'm having.  I love my sister to death. I was 14 when mom had her and she was like my very own little baby.  She to this day comes to me for advice and talks that she won't even have with our own mom.  Even though it's very emotional at times I wanted to be the one to throw her a baby shower.  I have nieces and nephews through marriage thank God, but I feel different with this being my very own blood nephew.  I cry with excitement and sadness.  I see her body changing, her glow, her excitement with every movement and ultrasound.  I've been there with her every step of the way.  Several doctor appointments, LOTS of ultrasounds (not doctor related, just ones she's paid to have), helping decorate the nursery and NOW planning this shower.  A shower I feel I may never have.  I'm naturally going to feel this way.  I PRAY I have my very own baby shower one day.  

I've done pretty good since her announcing her pregnancy.  I cried for several days after I found out.  I finally sucked it up and tried to get past it.  I've done great up until now.  I'm just an emotional mess.  I know I'll be okay shower day.  Way to much going on to feel sorry for myself, plus I don't want to boohoo at HER shower.  One of the best days of her life.  I am however nervous and worried about when she goes into labor and we see Sweet Noah for the first time.  How will I hold it together?  I just don't see me being able to do it.  HOW do I get through the first several weeks of him being home and everyone oohing and ahhing over him, while I'm around?  I KNOW this is going to happen, she deserves to be proud and have everyone loving him..I just don't know how I'm going to be strong enough emotionally.  I don't want to distance myself from her or him.  Do I just excuse myself and go to the bathroom and come out a blubbering red eye'd mess?  I have anxiety over this as well.   Is it crazy that I don't want anyone seeing me as "That's her sister, the one that can't have kids".   Is it crazy that I don't want them feeling sorry for me?  I DONT WANT TO BE LABELED!!   :(

Saturday is her shower.  We rented a place at Noccalula Falls here in town and it's going to be amazing.  I've been on pinterest like nobody's business and I think it's going to be beautiful.  I've poured my heart and soul in to this shower and I hope she loves it.  

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790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jan 12, 2016
It doesn't help that I'm having extreme ovulation pains and knowing I'll ovulate in a couple of days.  Knowing that no matter if we BD or not it's not going to do us any good.  The pathetic part is I still do it with what little bit of hope I still have.  

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by heather727, Jan 13, 2016
I haven't been where you are, so I'm not sure what advice I can give. What I can tell you is that you're one of the strongest women I've ever known. Tears aren't weakness, they're just overflow. If you have to cry, just cry. No excuses needed. You also can't stop people from labeling, it's what they do. But that doesn't mean you have to label yourself. You WILL be a mother, one way or another. Your journey is just longer than others'.

Don't punish yourself for your feelings. There is nothing wrong with being mixed right now and you don't owe an explanation to anyone. You'll love your nephew more than air and you'll be sad that you don't have your own bundle - yet. You'll laugh and you'll cry. Both of those emotions will come from love. Nothing wrong with that.

Huge hugs to you!! <3

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 13, 2016
Oh Heather thank you so much.  Maybe I'm the one doing more of the labeling?  I guess I'm worrying about it to much.  I can't count the times my mom has seen a friend in walmart and I'll walk off to get something come back and the convo will go quiet and I'll hear "well they're having to go a biopsy ". I know they're probably worried about how I'd feel if they ask me,  but I'd rather it be that way than walk in on it.  

I found out from my mom that my sister wants me in the delivery room with her but she's afraid to ask me because she's not sure how I'd feel.  Honestly I would be honored.  She's my beautiful little sister and I'd love to see my nephew come into this world.  I guess I just hate the whole thing.  Everything about infertility.  I hate that people have to be worried about how I'd feel because this path has been the hardest I've ever went down and I'm still struggling.  

Thank you do much for your sweet words of support.  I'm just going to go with the flow.  If they're worried about my feelings when asking questions then they should know the reason for my tears.  :)

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by mhv, Jan 13, 2016
I wish I had advice, but I don't.  I sucked when it came to stuff like that. I hid, name it. .
You are such an amazing person Des.  I wish I could give you a huge hug!

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 14, 2016
Thank you so much Mel.  I can't hide,  I've tried.  I want to close my eyes and just drift away to a place where I Habs my own child in my arms.  We have 6 kids/babies all under 5 in my family right now.  And now with my sister pregnant and about to give birth I figured,  what's the point of hiding?  I did keep myself from a lot of birthdays.  I did go to baby showers and first birthdays but after that I did distance myself from all the others.  I know things are going to be much different now with Noah around.  He'll be at my mom's when my sister is over and I'll just hold him tight and thank God for him.  

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 14, 2016
Have my own child***

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by Vency, Jan 14, 2016
I teared up reading your post Des.  You are so sweet and kind and thoughtful, not to mention talented.   Please
post pics because I'm sure you made/making a fabulous diaper cake and maybe even a blanket.  Like Mel, I hid and skipped out on some showers over the years. Luckily they  were for good friends, not family.
It's an indication of the high esteem your sister has for you that she wants you in the delivery room.  Noah is so going to know love from his Aunt Des and hopefully, he'll heal a little piece of your heart.

Don't  give up hope. And if nothing else, enjoy the BDing!

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 14, 2016
Oh Vency thank you so much for your kind words.  I'm so thankful she looks up to me like she does.  It makes me feel amazing and proud. Proud that she wants to look up to me.  You know what's funny?  I make diaper cakes and blankets for everyone else but my sister.  I told my mom I want to throw her an amazing shower. I want to be able to buy normal gifts,  gifts she's registered for here and there.  I told my mom I feel bad that I didn't make her a diaper cake but I'm she'd be okay with it?  I dunno,  I still want to make one.  I have this nagging feeling to do it so I'll probably do it tomorrow while I still have time lol.  

Noah will definitely have a special place in my heart.  :)

Anyways,  thank you so much again my sweet friend!

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by krichar, Jan 14, 2016
I've been trying to comment since you posted this... not even joking :( but I'm constants you. Getting pulled in a million different directions here so if it's cut short I apologize... I agree with what the other ladies have said... you are amazing ingle strong and it's ok to cry...let them see it even. It shard. .. I know. And you know where to find me if you need to just run to the bathroom and vent during...

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by Shannon79, Jan 15, 2016
I wish I had some advice for you Des, but I don't.

What I do know is that you're an amazing, strong, courageous woman. And one way or another, you will become a mom. And you'll be an amazing mom.

Have a great time on Saturday

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 15, 2016
Kellie,  thank you.  I completely understand you having your hands full.  :)  I'm sure I'll be making trips to the bathroom,  but I also know there's no way I'm going to be able to control them forever so if they come out,  they will.  I just don't want her feeling sad or bad for me.  I want her to soak in her beautiful birth of this amazing little boy.  I want her to relish in everything.  Bringing him home,  showing him off.  

Thanks so much Shannon.  You're amazing words of support mean so much,  as does everyone else does.  

Thank yall so much.  Got a lot to do today.  Ahh! :D

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by journey2motherhood, Jan 15, 2016
I'm going to just repeat what everyone else has said on here.  You are a strong and amazing woman and your sister and new nephew are blessed to have you in their lives.  I'm not sure what advice other than to say stay strong and most of us on here have been through the journey and we are understanding how you are feeling.  I am sure you planned an amazing shower.  xoxo Joann

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jan 15, 2016
Thank you Joann. All of this support means so much.  I just hate having a hard time with this but I know that I can't help it.  I didn't have anything to do with us being unable to conceive so I can't change that nor the emotions that come with others being pregnant.  Just gonna embrace it as much as possible

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by KTowne, Jan 15, 2016
I think you're really hard on yourself sometimes! You are being a great, supporting sister. No matter infertility or not, a new baby being born is emotional, I cried like a baby when my nephew was born! Lol! Would it make you feel better to talk with your sister about this? Let her know it IS a different journey you're going through but you are so, so happy for her and for Noah, and no matter the emotions that come along with it. I think you might surprise yourself and not cry, I also think that little boy is going to hold you over until you get your bfp! Which is coming soon, you're getting there!! Don't be so hard on yourself! You are an amazing person, and you have emotions that are totally nomal! Take it one event at a time, throw a great shower (I know the stress that comes with trying to make it perfct!) and then the birth and next event will be your bfp!!!

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 15, 2016
You're probably right KTowne. I've always been super hard on myself.  Doing things I physically shouldn't be doing like working with my dad and now I'm realizing I'm emotionally hard on myself.  This is something I definitely hand to work on.   You know,  I never thought of it that way.  Sweet Noah holding me over until my own BFP. :D  That's a very sweet way to think about that.  Thank you so much!!!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jan 15, 2016
Need, not hand***, ugh stupid phone.  Lol

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by journey2motherhood, Jan 19, 2016
Was the shower this past Saturday? How did it go?

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by Hollus, Jan 23, 2016
I'm sure she will love it and appreciate it! I hope she knows how much you have truly put into it, physically and emotionally, to make it special!!  Love and hugs my friend!!

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