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4-month anniversary

Jan 13, 2016 - 2 comments

I'm counting down the months until I get to 1 year since this last flare up. It has only been 2 months since my Dx, but I use Sept 13, 2015 as my anniversary date.

Little has changed, honestly. I have good and bad days with my hand. Mostly I can do what I need to (thankfully), and new symptoms seem to be creeping in. No big-bangs, though, so I'm assuming they are more related to not taking care of myself the way I need to.

Stress has become a constant companion. Who am I kidding...stress CONTINUES to be my constant companion. And it's brother, depression, has decided to stay awhile, too. It isn't just every day stress either. I am facing the potential of losing my job for the 3rd time since April 2014, I have known 4 people who have died since late December 2015 (2 of them tragic stories, 2 from cancer - all way too young), I have 2 close friends with family members who are facing life-threatening illness, I have a great-niece who has undergone two major surgeries and fighting for her life since she was born less than 2 months ago, and the list keeps going. I have also regained 60 lbs after maintaining my weight loss for over 2 years. Small potatoes compared to the other stuff - and problems I read here - but a really big deal to me.

So at 4 months I am at least glad to know what is happening to me. I still feel a little out-of-body and feel myself fighting for happiness most days. Some days I win, some days I lose, and on some rare days I completely fall apart and cannot leave my house. I know the emotional stress isn't good for my physical health. I feel that I caused this condition by not caring for myself physically or emotionally for many, many years. The guilt of that weighs on me, yet I'm having difficulty finding the "oomph" I need to begin to right this ship to the best of my ability.

My 6th month anniversary in March will bring my 45th birthday. I have a goal of taking better control of the parts of my life that I can by that date. Until then, small steps, small changes, and making time to search for the good in every single day. There IS good in every single day, and it is so important to give it more air time than the bad.

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5265383 tn?1483808356
by aspen2, Jan 13, 2016
I can`t related to the diagnosis but I certainly can relate to the mental health issues of chronic illness and change.  Good for you for recognizing your problems, and making goals and taking small steps.  It`s really all we can do.  And yes, actively searching out things to be thankful for is one of my main go-to techniques.

I have dominant hand issues as well (and leg) ... I think that`s been the hardest thing emotionally for me because pretty much all of my previous destressing techniques are difficult or impossible at this point.  It's already a loss, magnified when life throws other losses our way as well.

(((Hugs)))

9745005 tn?1410044366
by 4happygnomes, Jan 14, 2016
So sorry to read you are dealing with so much!  Stress and depression of what you are currently dealing with compounded with worrying about loved ones, can just get to be too much!  So glad to hear that you are working on putting yourself as a priority.

  I understand the guilt, but hope you can cut yourself some slack and let yourself off the "hook"...there is no way you "caused this condition"!!  No one can tell us why we are the "lucky" ones to struggle with our health, but you are right in taking necessary steps to work towards a better tomorrow.  I'm trying to do the same.

I hope your employer shows some compassion and that you are able to remain working, even though I am sure it's challenging with your hand symptoms...being productive and focused on "work" can be a good distraction from all that is going "wrong".

Thinking of you!!  

Karen

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