May 13, 2010
well, here i am again. still trying to be clean. still trying to gain weight. still working on my family relationships. the difference is i want it bad enough to work for it now. before i would sit around and feel every ache and pain and sniffle. wait for my feet to go crazy at night. wait for sleep not to come. wait to feel better. it didn't work then. i know better now. i sat down and made a slow step by step plan on how to wean off and then stay off these friggin pills. i so didn't want to become a 12 stepper again. that was my addiction talking. as usual, i believed. it was the only thing that worked back in 93 and 94 which was the last time i managed to get any clean time. it is the only thing that will work now. i feel great! i have energy. i can be around people. my kids aren't scared to death of me, well, not as much. it takes time. i never knew how i was gonna be from minute to minute and neither did anybody else. by giving up control i have regained control. it feels wonderful. i used to be afraid that i would die straight. above all things i wanted to be high when i died. go out with a buzz. what kind of sick **** is that? now that i can feel again i want to feel it all from this day on. i'm sure there will be things that i won't want to feel such as serious illness related stuff. aside from that, bring it on. i am loving life. so glad i made it out unscathed. i hope i can share my strength with others. our disease is such a wasteful thing. pervasive and cruel.