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I thought I had Devra today

May 13, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

devra

,

meds

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Anxiety

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holding on

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spilled guts

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stomach pain

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hyperventilating

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Crying

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selfish

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shei's taylor

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coexisting

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my place

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billy

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PROM

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culinary

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flour in a bag

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leeks

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stop talking

,

manicure

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pedicure

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steve

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nap

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kingdom hearts

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chocolate hair

,

dye

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sleep over

,

alex L

,

chelsey d



But didn't want to really. It's next week. So if my anxiety keeps up for the rest of the week, I'm going in there and I'm demanding help if I have to spill my guts because I can't do this everyday. I can't cry everyday, hyperventilating, with stomach pains and wishing I'd never gone out on a limb. I'm selfish and jealous and I just need to trust myself. I give my confidence to people I would trust with my life without a second thought, but I can't trust them to make insignificant decisions that shouldn't matter to me. Shei can hang out with taylor if she wants. I really don't have a problem with it. I just don't want her getting hurt, and I don't want her leaving me for taylor. I can coexist. Just please don't let her forget me.
I've said it before, I understand my place. I understand that Billy has her baby and she loves Taylor no matter what she says, and I'm not blind. I can see that that puts me in third place and I accept that because she's my best friend and it's not worth getting upset over.

But it still breaks my heart when she says they're hanging out.

Prom is tomarrow. Let's see, I sucked at life today in culinary. No salem, but much to be done. I couldn't even put flour in a bag correctly, or cover the leeks correctly, or scoop the bread correctly, or seperate the rings quickly, nothing. And everyone seemed to be short tempered with me, and happier when I stopped talking. I'm getting the "Hey, retard, leave us alone" vibe again. But it is what it is. I'm not going tomarrow, half day, getting my hair done, and spending the day  getting ready.

After school I went to steves and he napped while I played KH then I got a manicure and my first pedicure. I did not kick the nice man in the face. I got a french on my fingers and little red toes. I just feel pretty.

My hair is a nice chocolatey color. I really like it. It's got almost a red-brown tint in the sun.
I'm sleeping over steve's after the prom cause we don't have any friends to hang out with.

What else? I'm getting ready with alex, chelsey is coming over for pictures, the whole shebangbang.
Now I must head upstairs.

You will not hear from me tomarrow night.

I feel nauseas again thinking about them.

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