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I'm an emotional wreck!!

Mar 30, 2016 - 4 comments

I can't help it.  I just am.  Every time I think about this biopsy coming up I just cry. I cry for some many reasons.  

I cry because I love Brian so much.  I know he chose to do this on his own and I know his reason is for me.  He wants to go through this because I want it.  No doubt we both do but I feel like it's my fault he's going through with it.  I cry because what if he goes through this and it's for nothing?  What if they don't find anything???  Then he'll feel even worse about things.  I worry that he feels this is his fault and it's not like that at all and if they don't find anything he'll feel even worse.  

I cry because this is going to cost us another $3500 at least.  You think "Finally, I have about $15,000 to go through with this.  Then his SA showed zero sperm again and the only thing we can do to "find any" and our last resort is this biopsy.  SO add another $3500 worth of stress and worry.  

I cry because I'm stressed.  I have these 3 pups that were in my brothers garage fire.  The ones I saved.  Thank God they're all okay.  They have scars but they're okay.  Happy, healthy 65lbs lab puppies.  The problem is they're all males and wanting to fight.  They're wanting to claim dominance and it's really stressing me out.  The vet  mentioned having them neutered but they'll all have to be fixed at the same time to prevent fighting when they get home.  I can't afford to fix 3 dogs at once!!!  :Plus the vet said even that might not fix the problem.  Ugh!!!   Most days they're fine..they don't fight but there's 2 out of the 3 that's not best friends either.  The 3rd one isnt' a big deal, he gets along with the others but the other 2 ugh.  I call them crazy.  One day they're all great, the next day it's "I'm going to eat your face off".  ugh!!!  

I cry because I now have 2 babies in my family.  My sweet amazing little nephew is going on 2 months old.  He's starting to coo just a little but it melts my heart and I put his little video on repeat.  Is it wrong that when I'm holding him I don't want to let him go?  I wished he were mine.  He's precious.  Then I have a new baby cousin that's about a week old.  Born to 2 people who drink and party.  The daddy doesn't hold a steady job and he does drugs.  Yes, he's my cousin, but still.  I just can't make sense out of this.  

I cry because I received Aunt Flo about 3 days ago and I'm a hormonal wreck!!!!  

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1816154 tn?1463430018
by hansen20, Mar 30, 2016
I'm so sorry sweetie :'( that your going through all of this. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers your way! I hope that everything comes back ok hun. I'm sorry I'm not much help... it's normal to hold the babies and not let them go because it's something that you want so much. I hope also that AF hurries up out of there.

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Mar 30, 2016
I know everything you're going through is stressful but I think the key will be not to stress about everything at one time. Brian's biopsy will go great and try to keep 100% faith they will find something, until then, no need in worrying about that, worrying will not make the test go any differently, it's out of your hands, just try to stay hopeful and we're all keeping our fingers crossed. I know it's expensive, but in the end, I'm sure you will do whatever you can to get that little boy or girl in your arms so in the end, money will not matter. Are you keeping your brothers dogs?? Or is it just temporary? If so then just try to keep that in mind when they're acting up. I know having babies in the family is like bitter sweet for you, I know you love them, but when you see the life you can provide versus the party animal kind its like ugh........ why do the GREAT people have to struggle with infertility and not the other way around? And I just think, when you get that baby, you're going to give him/her the best, most loving life. It's something WELL worth the wait and you are going to be the best mother ever. Try not to think of all the problems at once, just tackle ONE at a time, and look towards the future of that baby goal, every hurdle will be worth it in the end. And I feel you with Aunt Flo let me tell you......... DH and I are going to start trying in May, and I'm still waiting on my period, 4 weeks after stopping birth control, I think I would cry to see it at this point, lol! Never wanted AF so bad in my life!! I'll be praying for Brian during the biopsy and that you get GREAT results!!!!

5575813 tn?1452481085
by Hollus, Mar 30, 2016
I agree with KTowne. I know it's easier said than done but try to focus your attention on one thing at a time. Just be as supportive of Brian and the upcoming biopsy as you can. Really shower him with love and gratitude, which I'm sure you do already but see if you can use it as a distraction. If that doesn't work, find something else that reduces stress and brings you joy. Go for a walk with the dog, listen to music that makes you happy, take a bubble bath. Just work on getting through this next week and the biopsy. One mindful, one thing at a time... Once you are through that move on and tackle the next hurdle. This is the only way I have been able to get through the last year. Stress can be so paralyzing!! I am thinking of and praying for you my friend and hoping you have amazing results with the biopsy and will be on your way to a happy, healthy pregnancy very soon!! Love and hugs...

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Mar 31, 2016
There are some things where we have a choice and others where we don't. All these things you are going to go through are no choice items to reach your goals and you need to try so as hard as it is I hope you enjoy the ride in some way.  Think of the extra time you will get together and possibly credit card points?  I know it isn't ideal and the good is hard to see. We are with you all the way as is your amazing husband. Take on as little new stress as possible and take care of each other.  Do plan some little breaks as the other girls suggested. Thinking of you both.

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