Jul 03, 2016
so it is day seven since i started this journal. and today i took four...i was supposed to take three....yesterday i took seven....so the taper isnt going so well. I do well during the week but the weekends here kill me and I am not going to berate myself for it. My recovery is my recovery and I am writing this journal for me to have to remind myself when I am clean about how it was to stop ....if it helps other people to see how I struggle then that makes me glad....i wish I could warn people about getting addicted but it doesnt help because i dont think anyone really believes they will become addicts....but by writing this down maybe someone searching for ...well what I am going through...can find some level of solace in knowing there is someone like them....and someone who made it to sober and stayed there...because I iwill make it. I have no doubt now. I hiked in the white mountains today and I felt a peace I had not felt...maybe ever...an actual peace with myself....I didnt ride my own self or denigrate myself because I am struggling. I accepted that this will take time and rather than being disgusted with failure which often leads to relapse for me....like i cant do it. whats the point. rather than that i feel more acceptance of my lapses and consider them part of this whole process....I am okay with it. I dont want any judgement or negative comments. I understand that everyone feels differently about things but again im writing in my journal for me but im letting it be public in hopes it may help someone else. I will recover and I will write this journal until a year of sobriety...maybe ot daily once cclean but enough so that they know and thats good...
I know why I didnt stay on my taper schedule...and I have done what I need to do to eliminate that stressor....it was very very very hard....but I feel a great deal lighter