People Without Bipolar Don't Understand Me

I've been living with bipolar for a long time.  I've never really talked to other people with the same  problems except from my blog.  Today, I'm starting a new leaf - try and be social. I'm trying to lose the pounds I have gained on all the medications I take.  I'm going to fight them with a low calorie diet which I started here on MedHelp.  I love this site.

I use to be the life of the party.  I could walk in a room and light it up.  Why can't I now.  I have done a big 360 in my life.  I don't go any wear to be around people. I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself.  My memory has started to deteriate.

I wonder why I was given all these problems.  I'm a recovering Alcoholic but I have been slipping because of stress.  I discovered I had Hepatitis C early 90's. Then I discovered I drank because of Bipolar to stop the pain and stop my mine from racing with thoughts.  I also discovered I've had ADD for a long time.  I ask myself - Why?  I'm not a bad person.  I was dealt a bad hand and I don't know why.  As I'm writing it brings up a long of memories like when did it start.  I know I received Hepatitis in the early 90's.  I was told I may of gotten it from the blood transfusions I received in 1989 during surgery.  I almost died.  Is that when it started.  I wonder if it was from the beatings I received from my x-husband who I married when I was only 20 years.  Maybe is was the rapes.

That's my big question - what causes bipolar.  Will find the answer?  

I have to each my low calorie tuna sandwich.