Jun 13, 2010
Hey I wanted to write a little bit today, I'm trying to keep track of things better. So I started cleaning the Kitchen and I was feeling pretty darn bad before I started cleaning, and I had a headache along with all this Mess to clean up. So anyway I Finally got into it more and I cleaned More then I set out to do. So I feel allot better about it now. I got some of the things that have been on the Kitchen table for Months and I got them up on the wall. I also folded the clothes on the couch and I also started a Load and I still have to go move matthew's stuff.
But my point is I feel so much better Since I did those few things. Oh and Matthew went and got me that thing that you Neal on and new Gloves so I can Pull some weeds. I asked him to get it for me, he is not being Rude asking me to do it..
Anyway I'm kind of Bummed that my side of the bed over piled with Crap..I'm trying to figure out a way to clean this crap all up and make myself feel better about this room. Kind of funny I just let my husband know that I had to fix this in my room and that means the Computer or laptop that I put on my bed and such I have to fix it all..anyway he said , I know I'm working on it in my head. You know this may sound dumb but I love him for that, He is always looking out for me and I'm always looking out for him.
I'm over 33 days Clean off Methadone and I'm 2 and a half months off Chemo...it is a year Long Treatment for Skin Cancer that you give the Injection yourself, or your husband does it for you...My husband did it this time. The last time , oh ya I had cancer 2 times and the first one I had to have 3 shots a week for one year and the next time around they had me do one shot a week and at first the doctor wanted me on it for 5 years but I could not do more then a year and I went to 3 other doctors, None of them Melanoma Doctors like the other.........but just the same 3 others said do it for one year...
So I'm almost 3 months off Chemo and a Month and a couple of days off Methadone and wow the ride has been wild. I'm so tired this weekend which makes me sad each time, I have laid down more then most. I also have a Anxieties that keeps me from doing a few things. But its not as bad as it sounds. My sister in law will take me to a doctors apt. if I need her too or My husband does.
I like to be alone now..I do like things Clean and I do like to have my house to myself..During my day time and sharing it with the family in the eve. is fine. I hope that came across correct.
I'm happy today...I'm happy because I did More work then Normal. I'm happy because I did something more then look at myself and I also got to vent to my husband. I think that really helped I feel less stressed. I think I will have a Glass of Wine tonight also...oh and I tell you this is like the 2nd drink I have had Since I quit Smoking over a year and a half ago.
Man I tell you during the Cold Turkey off the Methadone, Man oh Man Did I want a cig. But I did not...wow I can't believe I can say that !!!
So If I can take 2 things away from today, I need to vent my feels more often and I need to learn to talk and tell or let Matthew Know when I need something. He can't read my mind and even if he is put off to begin with, I get that way also. So I can't judge him nor does that mean I don't or should not ask. So anyway along with that..the venting ...I also Learned that when I get up and do something or bit more then I had planned on when I will feel better about myself and I just have to get up and do things.
I need to also Call the doctor about My Meds and along with the Cancer doctor and Look into Physical Therapy Ug I'm still Scared of going..Its because of the Pain that it might bring on and what will I do? Take Pain Meds again? How Long does a person do the pain medication with out getting hooked on it? I just don't want to do that again. But I don't want to have the Pain that Physical therapy might bring on...
I'm sick of Pain...I can't tell you how Sick I am of it, Along with Pain...I'm sick of being a Depressed don't do much Type of gal...And I'm tired of putting myself down and I have to see its my chance to turn my life around.
Be Happy and go for bigger better things. That sounds like a Good Idea to me, I want more out of my life. I want to go out and Live it to the Fullest, Oh my stars I want to Loose a few Lbs also...I don't want Much...
Thanks for Reading and I will write you back if you write to me,