Jun 14, 2010
Okay today is turning out to be pretty good. I will go and Up date My Mood tracker..But I got a Few things done so far today more then I do on most days. And I have been able to Control My Moods and I made up my mind that I would wait for Matthew to come home to talk to Sarah about the things that she did wrong over the weekend.
We did talk to Andrew on Sunday Night after he got home from his dad's that we are sorry if we come off as rude sometimes or anything like that. Its just both matt and I are at the end of our Rope and having my 26 year old live with us. And My husband is Really tired of seeing his step daughter treating her Mother with such Disrespect..
I don't think she means to or that she is aware of what she does? But today I have been up and doing things and making good Decisions I think...So I would have to say I set up a Computer table in my room and Kept my Make up table ..Now there are still a few things I need to move out of the room and a few things that Need moved around in th room, but all is do able..I'm so happy seeing a end to the Disorder in this room. I still have a Ways to go but I'm feeling so Much Better about it all...
I'm so glad to be off Methadone, I can't tell you how Good it feels to be off of it, how much it made me Lazy and down and over took my life and I did not see it.
I did not even get a High from it..That is what I call a bummer..lol....Had to laugh..You know weather you got high or if you did not it does not matter you still had to get off it and Cold Turkey is hard but a Must for me, I can't sit around and wait tell I one day say Gee I guess I'm done..No I had to do it as the Doing was good...I know I had thought about it often, but this time after Cancer again, And wanting to live life all the way all the time and Not on Pain Pills....And I was Sick of Not knowing if I had Real Pain or did my body Just want the Drug. You know it is 35 days off the Methadone and I still am not 100% sure if its in my head or if my body Just wants it.
I have to say wanting out of my pain has made me almost want to get Methadone..But then I think, I can lay down with the Heating Pad and take it easy. I'm really Tired of doing that mind you. I was laying down for over 4 months of my Chemo...I gained a ton of weight and now I'm struggling to get off the Lbs also. So I'm doing Many things at one time. I'm working on my personal self. I'm off Methadone and I need to start walking..And I am cleaning area's in my house that have not been cleaned in ages and get Up every day and Clean a little and get myself cleaned up. I stopped doing that one I was Laying down all the time on Chemo so I did not do make up..I did not do my hair..I did not care
Now I still like to be alone....and I know some of that is just fine and other parts of that is BAD...I'm no good at being alone too Long. But at the same time I won't really get the Alone time that I long for, My Oldest daughter has lived with me for 6 Months and My 14 year old Son will be out of School in a Couple of days and Sarah moves on june 30 I think back to Utah with her girl friend. I will miss her but not like she thinks. It is time for her to go out and be a grown up now. Im cutting her loose now, its going to be hard because I don't not want to be there for her, but at the same time she needs to grow up and learn what she wants. I worry very Much about her and it can make me sick...But at the same time...I am ready to take care of Drew now and my husband live life to my fullest and take care of myself for a bit..be selfish and do stuff for me and Oh to get my Sex drive back with my husband strong and wanting to as much as him. My gosh I don't know any Man that would let you be on Chemo and Never give you a bad time for Not having sex with him for Months upon Months.
But He was the Best Husband ever and he is always understanding...So he understands when I'm not in the Mood now, I just feel bad about it myself now. He does not make me feel that way. But I guess I think to myself how can someone be so Good to me? How can they Not want to ring my neck. I would want to kill him by now...Maybe that's half of it? That I know what I would do and so it makes it hard to think I'm worthy of such Love and Understanding when I myself can't make that understanding in my Few times of Need...Make Seance?
I'm seeing things for what they are and sometimes its hard and sometimes its like WOW I can't believe I don't feel more then I do. Maybe that will come later, or maybe I Just don't feel that strongly about some stuff now. Could that be it? Could I be growing Up? lol You know I need to let myself be myself and be happy with that person and I need to let myself get outside and I might need Matthews help with that at first but I will get there. I know I will and I also Need to work out and eat a bit less and oh Start Cooking dinner more often so Hubby does not have to.
I need to let myself be free to feel all there is that need's finished in my inner self. My hurt of what my life was with my x husband and that I did not do anything about it , when it was finally over , My girls were hurt and I know my Daughter Amanda has always thought it is my husband who called CSD on my x husband , but no it was me...I was finally away and I finally made that call. But my daughter and I are not close and I really sure she has some good reason. I was not a Mom who saw really what was going on, My x husband had me under his thumb and he always put Me down and made me feel like Nothing. So I was less the confident and so I was at the same time un able to stand up for my own Girls...But I should have been able to. But I will have to work on that later. I do have to say I need to for give myself that my x husband and I got Divorced. I have felt bad for this for years. Even if I know that my life would have been so bad, I would have been sad, I would have never met Matthew...I can't make Seance of the whole thing, I just feel Very Bad for Letting Down my Kids...and My Promise..
I also want to let go of the Anger I have against Mr. Mah, Gary Mah. I want to give that Over to You Oh God.. I want to give you the Disappointment in myself for not living up to my word and Just help me forgive myself and that my kids are also able to forgive me.
Then I ask that You Bless Matthew and I relationship and thank you for the fine young men that we have raised.
I also ask for help in my daily life and to start living it daily....
Thank You so Much and Write more later,