All Journal Entries Journals

Frustrated!!!!! BF wont let me buy any baby stuff

Jun 22, 2010 - 16 comments

When we found out I was pregnant we decided to wait on buying anything until we found out what sex and wait to see what I got at the baby shower and what we still needed to shop for. The whole reason I did my shower at 29 weeks so I still have 10 weeks to purchase a few items here and there and not have to go out and spend a large sum all at once.

I had the shower on Saturday and Sunday I spent the day going through everything and making a spreadsheet of what I have, need, and want.  I organized it by categories of items.  Feeding, Bathing, Diapering, Linen. I also made another spreadsheet of clothing items by size and type. How many of each item we have and still need.

I have a very organized list of what needs to be purchased by the time she's born and what can wait and the time line.  

We just found out our roommate will be moving out when our lease is up so we will also be moving. With me not working for 3 months after the baby is born we just can't afford the rent here with out the roommate. BF is just now back to work himself. My hours have been cut and switched to day shift so I no longer make much in tips.

He keeps telling me were poor and that we can't afford anything. (This is the first time he's ever had to live paycheck to paycheck since he broke his ankle. I don't live paycheck to paycheck I have money in my checking and savings accounts.) I know that we can afford stuff. I got over a hundred dollars in gift cards for Target. I'm just waiting for the 10% off coupon they give you to purchase anything still on your registry. I know how to bargain shop.

Now he's using the excuse of us moving. I can't buy anything because he doesn't want to have to pack it and then unpack it and we don't have the room to store it either. I know our apartment doesn't have ANY storage two small closets. It's ridiculous actually.

I have been waiting 29 weeks to go shopping I was so excited for the shower to be here and that meant I got to go shopping afterwards.  I went to Ross today and bought baby clothes while he was at class. I took all the hangers off and folded them up and put them in the dresser. I got 5 onesies with pant outfits, 4 sleepers, 5 sack sleepers, 3 bibs and it only cost me $45. I think that is a great deal for 14 outfits. I know I still need more sleepers because all she will wear for the first few months is onesies and sleepers. I got tons of onesies.

I have had my heart set on this bedding set I picked out 3 years ago when I was pregnant and miscarried. I want this set so bad and can't find anything else that I even remotely like. I found the set on Amazon.com for $130 so much better then $180 at the store. He says $130 is WAY to much and no way am I buying it we don't need it all I need to get is sheets for the crib. I feel like buying it and having it shipped to my dads and telling him that someone bought it for us.  What he doesn't know wont hurt him right? I just don't know what to do anymore.




Comments
Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by jschoch8, Jun 22, 2010
lol - my hubby doesnt know all ive bought so far hed probably have a heart attack.  he finds new things here and there. i handle all the bills so he just trusts that im not over spending i guess. i usually get home from work before him so i get to the boxes first :) oh and i make sure to tell him what a great sale it was. maybe not the best advice, but thats how i handle it. :)

Im pretty sure youre looking for the same set that i have. i did overspend on some items but then i found a site that has the items much cheaper, tax free and free shipping. its babysupermall and you would just type in kidsline ladybug.

317019 tn?1532965586
by waitn838, Jun 22, 2010
my fiance was the same way in the beginning....we agreed that i wouldnt buy anything until we know the sex...once we were told the sex he was still hesitant so i only purchased a few outfits...but i made him go with me so he had an idea on how much it actually cost...i dont think men realize that baby stuff is not as expenisive as adults...especially clothes...he got 1 pair of shorts and they still cost more then the few outfits i picked out for the baby

anytime im at walmart or target i always pick up an outfit or 2 for the baby...i try not to spend more then $20 at a shot and he's ok with it because its a small amount

we dont have much money either...we live on our student loans and already have a 6 year old who is very active in sports...so money is tight but we spread it out and try to save any way we can



964234 tn?1331949207
by HeatherLF16, Jun 22, 2010
My husband and I have been married 6 years, and we never fight over finances or who buys what because we have separate accounts (we have one together for our bills/savings, but keep our paychecks are deposited separatley and we keep spending money separate).  I can spend as much as I want on what I want and never have to hear a peep out of him.  We share our bills and if one of us is short the other one covers.  I also never have to question him on what he spends.  I recentley bought all of the items that were left off of my registry I spent $300.  I told him it was a little pricey to get the rest of the stuff and he gave me back $150 no questions asked.   This works out for us because we are both very much "in charge" type of people.  It would be a disaster if he tried to tell me what I could and couldn't do and vice versa.  I know it sounds untraditional but it works =)

1173196 tn?1292916490
by KarenDiane, Jun 22, 2010
My in-laws all do the seperate bank accounts as well. I could never wrap my head around that because my mother never worked and I've taken time off when my kids were babies and toddlers.

I'm extremely thrifty. I very rarely buy new clothes for any of us. There are 5 thrift shops and 3 consignment shops within driving distance to us and I am a frequent shopper. LOL. Between the clothing I've bought ($1 - $3 per oufit, 25 cents for onesies) and what has been given to me, I already have more than Liam will ever wear. I even found a complete crib bedding set for $15 but my MIL is insisting on buying that new so I found one I liked, googled it and found it for a reasonable price at overstock.com.

I know it's different with the first baby, you don't want to skimp on anything, you want them to have the best of everything but you can have a baby without breaking the bank.

541150 tn?1306033843
by PrettyKitty1, Jun 22, 2010
Hubby doesn't mind my buying things for the baby. I buy things and don't even tell him sometimes.

If you want to buy the bedding set and you have the money to do it...heck..just do it. Have your dad receive the set and then act like he bought it for you. I tend to agree with the more you have the more you'll have to pack and unpack and it is very uncomfortable and time consuming. Moving is no fun. But you are pregnant. This is your time and you should be spoiled. So I'd say go ahead and spend on your daughter.  :-)

HUGS

PK

389974 tn?1331015242
by swampcritter, Jun 22, 2010
Swampy won't comment on specifics, but just wants to offer a few points to shape your thoughts. Swampy is more biased on not spending, and so that is where his thoughts lie.

You should think of the future value of your money versus the present value. If, heaven forbid, you two fall on harder times having an extra week of spending money to plan and arrange things could be a huge difference.

Remember you have a child now. Its not enough to live on Ramen for a few weeks! You need sufficient "capital" to deal with what life throws your way.

You should try and separate in your mind what your child will need and what you want. Mass marketers love to go after the person who will spend.

Children benefit hugely from experience. Its what you do with your child that makes a difference, not possessions.

You are going to have more children some day, right? In that case, it might be valuable to put some new things off for this one, so every child gets some special things new (and lots of hand me downs).

Swampy's suggestions are to take your spreadsheet and price out everything. Also, equalize the cost of each item by month (as an example, if something will be useable for 1 year and costs $120, thats $10 / month). Then, come up with a budget that works for you and your BF. Schedule what you need now, what you'll need after you move, and what will be helpful int eh future. To belay his moving concern, schedule heavy items (such as a bed) to be purchased after you move.

The worst thing you could possibly do is try to sneak around behind your BF's back and buy things. Being in a relationship is all about cooperation, and financial matters are the most difficult of all.


492921 tn?1321289896
by Brittny27, Jun 22, 2010
jschoch8- Yes it's the Kids Line Lady bug one. I will check out that website. Amazon.com wants so much for shipping.



We both have our own bank accounts. My money is mine and his is his. At the end of the month we go through receipts and split everything up and take off his half from what I should pay for rent. However we haven't done that in 6 months due to his broken leg for 4.5 months he wasn't working and the fact that I was supporting us both. I have managed to pay all bills and save enough to pay 3 months of bills for maternity leave. Knowing that I will not be working for 3 months and he will be buying the household items I wasn't concerned and I know that everything will even out. He is still concerned he owes me money. I don't see it as him owing me money at all.

I don't just go out and spend frivolously. I am more free with my money than he is but I make sure that I have covered my bills and some is in savings before I spend.

I know what we can afford and can't afford. He just complains about everything that costs money. I can't even go to subway without him complaining about spending money. Stopping at the gas station to get something to drink he will say something about how much I'm spending and why I can't wait till I get home. I'm pregnant and always thirsty. I take water with me when I go places but after an hour in the car when I go inside somewhere it's hot as hell and I'm not drinking hot water.

I don't want to go behind his back and just buy things without telling him but I've had to do it this whole time. I started to tell him when I would buy an outfit and I would always buy on clearance. He got upset when I spent $2 on a onsie and pants. Thats $1 an item. I tell him what a great sale it is and how much I saved. He still complains. I have learned to deal with the complaining of money from him even though we have money and are not in any way poor.

I grew up poor. I never had new clothes. I always had hand me downs. We went with out a lot. My mom walked out and left me Dad with 3 kids to take care of and he traveled for work we were shuffled from Iowa to Washington throughout the year from grandparents to Dads. I started baby sitting and cleaning houses mowing lawns when I was 9 years old to make money to buy my own shampoo and whatever else I needed. I only got new clothes when I could afford to buy them myself.

We have been taking classes every week for the last 3 months which we earn "baby bucks" at and there is a community donated boutique store that we get to shop in. I am buying most the diapers there. You can only get 40 diapers a week. I've been stocking up. Outfits are only $1 so I've been buying used outfits there too now that he's letting me shop. Even with this he wasn't letting me use the free money because of storage issues.

I've bought most my maternity clothes on Ebay used. I only spent a few dollars on each item and I am the only one that gets the mail at our apartment so I am able to get it when he is not here and he doesn't know when I have a new piece of clothing. I will probably be doing this with baby items.

I cut coupons for groceries and anything else we need. I bargain shop. I have a notebook I carry around with me in my purse and I write prices down of items at different stores so that when I need to go get that item I know which store has it the cheapest. I have added all those prices to the spreadsheet also. If it's a large item like the bedding set I will google it and try and find it online for cheaper.

I have learned to live with the complaining of money even though I have no idea why he does it.

964234 tn?1331949207
by HeatherLF16, Jun 22, 2010
I say you have been working hard, have it all worked out, and know what you are doing.  I would tell him he can complain all he wants, but you have been taking care of yourself and finances since you were 9 years old... this is already in your budget.  You realize he is worried with the baby coming, but you have been planning and saving for this for too long to let his complaining ruin your fun!  Also, if his complaining is wearing on you... you can tell him that you don't want the baby to have to hear the complaining.  You want the baby to happy and not hear her parents talk about it.  I grew up like you (not a lot of money and started working/being on my own at a very early age) and I remember hearing my grandparents or parents talk about how they don't have enough and worrying about it (I was under 10 years old worrying about money).  Then feeling bad if my parents bought me something.  Hope you win this one =)

160254 tn?1270996478
by connorethansmom, Jun 22, 2010
I feel a little differently.  I have been married for 7 years, have 2 little ones and one more on the way.  I'm a stay at home mom and control all the finances.  We have one joint checking account, and a money market account for savings.  We bought our first house at 21, our second at 23.  Had our first child at 23 too.  It was a long road to get me to be able to stay home, at lot of negotiation.  We currently do not owe anyone (but our mortgages) a penny, no car payment, no credit cards, no nothing.  We have also NEVER fought about money, ever.  I also have had to compromise on a few things, but we work it out. I usually get what I want, or he convinces me that what I want isn't worth it.  

My advise... you can't have a relationship built on lies.  That isn't the type of relationship you want to bring your baby into.  You will have plenty of stuff to argue over once the little one arrives, that you need to be on the same page before.  I would come clean and let him know how you are feeling and how important this is to you.  For me, with my first I wanted what I wanted, brand new this and that, etc.  I was working and I thought I deserved it all - like you feel.  Second time, a girl, I wasn't working, I wanted PINK everything, didn't get it all, but at this point I knew that the stuff was less important than my relationship with my husband and my children.  I know how you feel about wanting that, and I think if you can pay for it comfortably then do it.  BUT do it with a discussion with him, discuss how you know you can pay for this and the other stuff you need to (rent, food, etc), that you know it doesn't seem realistic to him to move the stuff to your new place, but this is important to you.  My understanding with my husband is although I may not understand why he wants/needs something, I respect him as person enough to trust him to make the decision that is right for him and our family.  Just like he didn't understand my desire to have a new Ergo baby carrier (had other ones with the first two, and wanted this carrier for my last little one), we discussed, I showed him how it would work into the budget, and I got it.  I would never go behind his back and get something without discussing it with him.  I didn't when I was working and I won't now.  Your relationship is based on trust, don't throw that away - discuss it with him and he will come around.

492921 tn?1321289896
by Brittny27, Jun 22, 2010
The only bills we have are rent and my student loans. We have no cc debt we pay them off completly at the billing statement. We both own our cars. We discuss his complaining alot and most the time he just tells me to buy it and ignore his complaining because he knows we CAN afford it. But generally that's with smaller items this bed set being over $100 I want his agreement before we get it.

317019 tn?1532965586
by waitn838, Jun 22, 2010
maybe you can compromise with him and get a cheaper one....i had to compromise because the one i wanted before was over $150 but i now picked out one that will cost around $90 with mobile so he is happy with that

relationships are about compromise....men are weird when it comes to money...my fiance now sees that i am not trying to take us to the poor house with this baby and has not said a word any time i come home with stuff for the baby...

A. he knows its for his child
B. he knows i got it for a good price
C. he knows i am careful with money

your BF is gonna have to learn to stop complaining about money...because it doesnt get any better when a kid is here...it gets more expensive and bills pop up here and there we are not planned for...it becomes life...



432779 tn?1364494875
by feather2e, Jun 22, 2010
I know I posted this before but those crib sets are a waste of money. My son is 20 months and I still never use the comforter. They recommend not to use a bumper or use a breathable one(which most crib sets dont have) and not to use loose bedding for the first few months.I swaddled as a newborn and then used sleep sacks.Another point which I am now dealing with is that when I found out I was having a boy I bought everything blue, now I am having a girl and have to buy things all over again,whereas If I was to do it again I would have bought mostly neutral items I could reuse and just a few gender specific(if you intend on having more children) .

541150 tn?1306033843
by PrettyKitty1, Jun 22, 2010
Britt, I’m with Heather on this one. Go buy your bedding set because that’s what’s going to make YOU happy. You are pregnant and this is your time. The bedding is not just another article you want to buy but it represents THAT set you’ve always wanted since your last miscarriage. A lot of men don’t realize how hard it is for a woman to lose her baby.

And why would telling him you dad bought It for you a big thing or a crime? I would either do that or just tell him straight forward that you’ll do it.

All -  She is pregnant. She has had a tough life and does not want her baby to wear used stuff. This is not a bad thing if she can afford it. What’s the big deal? So she wants brand new bedding set. She wants for her daughter what she couldn’t have as a kid. I’m sorry; but this is totally fair and more than justified. It’s HER baby and a BIG thing.


294043 tn?1354207946
by Helen72, Jun 22, 2010
I agree with feather, do not waste $$ on bedding.  You just need a fitted sheet.

492921 tn?1321289896
by Brittny27, Jun 22, 2010
PK- Thank you!

I don't mind the used clothes I already have a ton of used items. I want to get some of the items new. I have searched and searched Ebay for this perticular set but even used they still want over $100 for it. Why when I can spend $20 more and get it bran new.

It's  not just the bedding set thats the issue it's that he doesn't want me to buy ANYTHING! I've waited SEVEN MONTHS to buy stuff and now that the shower is over and I know what is NEEDED not wanted. I want to shop.

967320 tn?1333199708
by JennaRie, Jun 22, 2010
I just had to post because your BF sounds exactly like me with the money thing!! I totally understand how he feels, and I bet he cannot help it. It's just a personality thing, and he probably knows that logically, it is silly to complain about spending when you can afford it, but it just goes against something ingrained in him about spending on something that isn't something you NEED. DH used to get so frustrated with me because he would go buy a $10 bottle of wine, and I'd just cringe inside, thinking of how much a bottle here and a bottle there adds up to. I used to complain about it, but I have learned to hold my tongue because it's something he enjoys and it's not like we can't afford it. He already does so well with never eating out because I hate the idea of how much stuff like that adds up, and I would rather save that money towards stuff for future children or retirement. My guess is that your BF is thinking in the back of his mind that he would rather not spend that money on something he sees as unnecessary, just in case something comes up after the baby is born that IS necessary. I personally always like to feel safe knowing that if there is an emergency, I have enough money to cover it and don't have to stress about it.

In regards to the bedding set, my advice is to have a conversation with him about it, and explain that while you know that it's not a necessity, that you really had your heart set on it and that it is very important emotionally since you picked it out with the pregnancy that you lost. I really hope that he would be understanding and realize how important it is to you - it's easy for me to understand since I'm a girl, but I know guys usually have a harder time understanding how our emotions work. I would not go behind his back if I could help it, just because if he found out, he would have a hard time trusting that you were being honest with him with finances. It SHOULD be easier for him to accept you spending this money since you keep your accounts separate and you can afford it. It just sounds like maybe he got scared by being unable to work for a few months because of his ankle, and with finances tight on his end and having to move to a new place AND a baby about to be born, he's feeling stressed not knowing everything the future holds and if he will need money for an emergency that might come up. I hope he is understanding about where you are coming from though and that you two work it out! Be patient with him - I like to say people like me have a sickness, lol - we have this crazy need to save our money JUST IN CASE :)

Post a Comment