Jun 25, 2010
Another of my sporadic journals - I only seem to do this when things have just gone horribly wrong and I need an outlet to vent.
This bloke, who my wife had been seeing last year, then broke up last summer, only to start seeing him again back in December. He lives far away from us, but comes to town every now and again on business, and when he does he and my wife get together. I'd been trying to cope with this for a while - I know that it does happen that people have mid-life crises, they have flings and affairs, and that they don't always last. If that turned out to be the case, I wanted to make sure I was still around, still willing to re-build our relationship and put it back together and try again. If there was a chance of us having a happy future together, I didn't want to jeapordise the chance of a long future together and bringing up our kids as a couple for the sake of an affair that didn't last. Meanwhile, we are happy and good friends and enjoy each others company and are good parents and are happy living together most of the time, except during his infrequent visits, and when those happened I tried to grit my teeth and cope with the emotional pain until he left again.
Well, yesterday my wife tells me that he'll be moving here long-term. She wants to see him more frequently and regularly when he's here. She wants to integrate him more into her life, rather than him being something separate that is totally unconnected to every other part of her life (home, family, work, other friends etc.) - which means him meeting our kids, her going out on day trips and doing stuff with him and the kids etc. And she wanted to continue doing this with us still living together, and parenting together, and looking pretty much like a couple to the outside world. Pretty much the life we have at the moment, except every other night or so she's round his place. WTF???????? Did she really think this was acceptable, that this could work? Did she think I could live like this? I tried to keep it under wraps, but she knew how much I hurt every time she went to see him, with this plan it would be constant.
So, I've said that it has to be over. I can't do this any more. Even before she told me he was moving here, I was already thinking hard about whether it was time to stop doing this, time to admit defeat, that I wasn't prepared to take any more pain like this and I had to accept that she would not end this relationship and come back to me. This from a combination of the pain I felt during his last visit, and me seeing a few recent e-mails between them - it's clear that they love each other, they write to each other in a way that she and I haven't communicated for 10 years or more, I've got to know I can't compete with that. But now that he's moving here, that has pushed it way over the line into the I've-got-to-get-out-of-here side.
I've spent 3 years trying to rescue this marriage. I never thought I would last this long. I've tried everything I can think of, read books, read blogs, taken (and filtered!) advice. I've followed that advice, accepted my responsibility for the degredation of our marriage that led her to start looking for love and sex elsewhere and done my best to address that. I've tried to re-connect with her. I've been supportive of everything she wants to do with her life. I've accepted blow after blow of emotional torture, in the hope (but not expectation - I always knew there was a good chance it could end like this and my efforts would be in vain) that she would one day get over this behaviour and realise that we've got something fantastic that's worth saving and that our future should be together. Leaving now, I can honestly say I couldn't have tried harder, there's nothing more I could have done, I will never have to say to myself "If only I'd done that, maybe we might have been able to stay together."
She says she's tried too, but I'm not sure exactly what she means. She's tried to live with me, as very good friends and co-parents, but I don't think that's too hard for her. She's quite happy living with me, the only hard part of that for her has been not being able to be with him all the time, and with having to witness my pain when she has gone to see him (it does hurt her to see me hurt, as well as the accompanying guilt). She's tried a couple of times being more fully back together, sharing a bed, having a love life and a sex life, but I think she was just trying to pretend to love me, she wasn't really trying to reconnect and recreate the love, she's constantly said that she doesn't think that's possible, that there isn't anything you can do to encourage it to happen. I disagree (I know you can't turn love on like a switch, but you can create the right conditions to make it more likely), but if she didn't believe that there's no pursuading her. In any case, she never tried for long before starting to see someone else (either emotionally or sexually or both), and once that happened the experiment was soon enough over and we were in separate bedrooms again.
So, it's over. I'm going to be the one moving out, which I'm very resentful over, but overall it doesn't matter who is at fault or who makes the decision, what matters is what is best for the children, and the best thing for them is to stay in the home they know, and the best thing for them is for their mother to be the parent who lives with them. I don't know how we will be able to afford an additional home - rent, electricity & gas, council tax, furniture etc. etc. I don't know how soon it can be arranged. I don't know if I'll rent or buy - renting costs at least as much and you don't have anything to show for it at the end, but I doubt we can borrow enough to buy another place. I'd like to be out before this guy moves here, but I don't know how soon that will be, it might be some time next week, so it seems unlikely.
The stupid thing is that I'll probably be every bit as miserable having moved out as I would be if I stayed. I still love her, and I can't turn that off any time soon. I'll miss her, miss being with my kids all the time, miss my home, I'll feel all wrong in a place that doesn't feel like mine, I'll be lonely and have no company. In all likelihood I'll still know every time she spends the night with him, because I'll have to look after the children those nights. Since I don't know how we'll afford some place for me to live, it's unlikely it'll be somewhere big enough to accomodate 3 children staying over, so when I do look after them it'll be in their house.
This is a really $hitty situation (apologies to anyone offended by my language, but that's how I feel).
I'm not really after any advice here, but if you've got something to say then please do say it. I just needed somewhere to vent, to let out my thoughts, to write down what is going on.