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Well, that's finally it - our marriage is finished.

Jun 25, 2010 - 7 comments

Another of my sporadic journals - I only seem to do this when things have just gone horribly wrong and I need an outlet to vent.

This bloke, who my wife had been seeing last year, then broke up last summer, only to start seeing him again back in December.  He lives far away from us, but comes to town every now and again on business, and when he does he and my wife get together.  I'd been trying to cope with this for a while - I know that it does happen that people have mid-life crises, they have flings and affairs, and that they don't always last.  If that turned out to be the case, I wanted to make sure I was still around, still willing to re-build our relationship and put it back together and try again.  If there was a chance of us having a happy future together, I didn't want to jeapordise the chance of a long future together and bringing up our kids as a couple for the sake of an affair that didn't last.  Meanwhile, we are happy and good friends and enjoy each others company and are good parents and are happy living together most of the time, except during his infrequent visits, and when those happened I tried to grit my teeth and cope with the emotional pain until he left again.

Well, yesterday my wife tells me that he'll be moving here long-term.  She wants to see him more frequently and regularly when he's here.  She wants to integrate him more into her life, rather than him being something separate that is totally unconnected to every other part of her life (home, family, work, other friends etc.) - which means him meeting our kids, her going out on day trips and doing stuff with him and the kids etc.  And she wanted to continue doing this with us still living together, and parenting together, and looking pretty much like a couple to the outside world.  Pretty much the life we have at the moment, except every other night or so she's round his place.  WTF????????  Did she really think this was acceptable, that this could work?  Did she think I could live like this?  I tried to keep it under wraps, but she knew how much I hurt every time she went to see him, with this plan it would be constant.

So, I've said that it has to be over.  I can't do this any more.  Even before she told me he was moving here, I was already thinking hard about whether it was time to stop doing this, time to admit defeat, that I wasn't prepared to take any more pain like this and I had to accept that she would not end this relationship and come back to me.  This from a combination of the pain I felt during his last visit, and me seeing a few recent e-mails between them - it's clear that they love each other, they write to each other in a way that she and I haven't communicated for 10 years or more, I've got to know I can't compete with that.  But now that he's moving here, that has pushed it way over the line into the I've-got-to-get-out-of-here side.

I've spent 3 years trying to rescue this marriage.  I never thought I would last this long.  I've tried everything I can think of, read books, read blogs, taken (and filtered!) advice.  I've followed that advice, accepted my responsibility for the degredation of our marriage that led her to start looking for love and sex elsewhere and done my best to address that.  I've tried to re-connect with her.  I've been supportive of everything she wants to do with her life.  I've accepted blow after blow of emotional torture, in the hope (but not expectation - I always knew there was a good chance it could end like this and my efforts would be in vain) that she would one day get over this behaviour and realise that we've got something fantastic that's worth saving and that our future should be together.  Leaving now, I can honestly say I couldn't have tried harder, there's nothing more I could have done, I will never have to say to myself "If only I'd done that, maybe we might have been able to stay together."

She says she's tried too, but I'm not sure exactly what she means.  She's tried to live with me, as very good friends and co-parents, but I don't think that's too hard for her.  She's quite happy living with me, the only hard part of that for her has been not being able to be with him all the time, and with having to witness my pain when she has gone to see him (it does hurt her to see me hurt, as well as the accompanying guilt).  She's tried a couple of times being more fully back together, sharing a bed, having a love life and a sex life, but I think she was just trying to pretend to love me, she wasn't really trying to reconnect and recreate the love, she's constantly said that she doesn't think that's possible, that there isn't anything you can do to encourage it to happen.  I disagree (I know you can't turn love on like a switch, but you can create the right conditions to make it more likely), but if she didn't believe that there's no pursuading her.  In any case, she never tried for long before starting to see someone else (either emotionally or sexually or both), and once that happened the experiment was soon enough over and we were in separate bedrooms again.

So, it's over.  I'm going to be the one moving out, which I'm very resentful over, but overall it doesn't matter who is at fault or who makes the decision, what matters is what is best for the children, and the best thing for them is to stay in the home they know, and the best thing for them is for their mother to be the parent who lives with them.  I don't know how we will be able to afford an additional home - rent, electricity & gas, council tax, furniture etc. etc.  I don't know how soon it can be arranged.  I don't know if I'll rent or buy - renting costs at least as much and you don't have anything to show for it at the end, but I doubt we can borrow enough to buy another place.  I'd like to be out before this guy moves here, but I don't know how soon that will be, it might be some time next week, so it seems unlikely.

The stupid thing is that I'll probably be every bit as miserable having moved out as I would be if I stayed.  I still love her, and I can't turn that off any time soon.  I'll miss her, miss being with my kids all the time, miss my home, I'll feel all wrong in a place that doesn't feel like mine, I'll be lonely and have no company.  In all likelihood I'll still know every time she spends the night with him, because I'll have to look after the children those nights.  Since I don't know how we'll afford some place for me to live, it's unlikely it'll be somewhere big enough to accomodate 3 children staying over, so when I do look after them it'll be in their house.

This is a really $hitty situation (apologies to anyone offended by my language, but that's how I feel).

I'm not really after any advice here, but if you've got something to say then please do say it.  I just needed somewhere to vent, to let out my thoughts, to write down what is going on.

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Avatar universal
by TimeHealsAll, Jun 25, 2010
Please do not be offended by any of what I am about to say. These are merely my thoughts, and how I would approach this undeniably difficult situation.

Relationships don't stay the same forever. They shift and change, ebb and flow. I don't know all of your situation, obviously, and so can only offer advice based on what little I know, but I think leaving her is a rash move even if you have had years to think it over.

Rather than consider your relationships over, consider it instead as changed. Live with each other as friends and co-parents. This is what your relationship is now, and it hurts, but I've always believed it is wise to look for the good in a situation. You've lost a lover, yes, but you still have a friend and you still have someone with whom you can raise your kids. Hopefully she will even be willing to encourage you.

I think you should support her in her relationship with this man. It will hurt like hell at first. The jealousy will be overwhelming. At the same time you should look around for someone else to love. Continue living with your wife, continue raising your kids with her, but remember that the relationship is different now and it is better for both of you, and especially for the kids, if you work with the changes rather than run away from them.

I hope this is of some help to you and I wish you well. Please do contact me if you want to talk about any of this.

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by mami1323, Jun 25, 2010
I have to respectfully disagree with the above poster.  Only because I've been there from the beginning with sammy and have seen his marriage go through all types of changes and I've seen him try so hard to hold it all together.  In the end, it still winds up with her getting everything she needs and him getting short changed.  If he stays living with her, he will never be able to get over her and therefore will not be able to move on in his own life.  I do believe they can still be amicable for the kids but I do think him living with her hinders his ability to move forward.  He's been putting his wants and needs on the back burner for all this time, just to hang on to any shred of marriage he has left.  She hasn't offered much to him and now that she allowed herself to get emotionally attached to someone, it is time to find your happiness.  I think you both can share custody so that you get equal time with the kids.  You can create and modify a visitation schedule that his equal and fair.  I'm so sorry sammy, I know you had wanted this so badly.  I just think your wife has been disconnected from the start and she really was the luckier one in this scenario.  You deserve better.

Avatar universal
by TimeHealsAll, Jun 25, 2010
I'm sorry mami1323, I was just stating my views and apologize if they were out of place. Of course I don't know as much about sammy or his relationship as you do, I was just hoping that maybe my comments might be helpful.

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Jun 25, 2010
Oh no, they are not out of place at all.  All advice I'm sure is welcomed.  Perhaps you have experienced something similar and could relate.  Maybe he actually appreciates it and can get something from it.  I just remember it from the beginning that's all :)

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by Cassandrajane, Jun 25, 2010
I don't know the full story about this and so I am basically an Outsider to this situation, but I am going to do the best I can.

I know this is hard and horrible for you, I'd hate to go through it myself. I know where you are coming from by not being able to turn you're feelings off, but when you're broken and hurt you'd do anything to do so and for them to go away, I thought it was bad splitting up from a 2 yr relationship, you were married and that was alot worse because you made the promise of forever, and I eventually got my other half back, after I decided to try and forget about him.
I really respect you, and what you are doing and how you have coped with things, most men when this would have started would have up and left, Love or not. But you, You stayed not only because of Love for her, But the Love of your children. You are the only gentleman left... There isnt many of you left. She wont know what she's missing. After a while she will realise that you were the best she was ever going to have.... This guy might be just Physical (Sorry) But you seemed like you were EVERYTHING any girl/woman could wish for in her life... and she is stupid for doing what she is doing.. And she will realise that. And be like Oh F*ck... what have I done? I have lost the best thing that was ever going to happen to me, for what? A fling that wont mean as much as the marriage and love you gave to her, and as well as that obviously an amazing father to your children, and you know what... You're kids do and will think the wrorld of you for the rest of their lives. Because you put up with it everything that was thrown at you basically for them, you put them first not yourself. Thats rare in any man.. well Men in England. They're all crap.. Including mine... He's selfish. LOL. But anyway. You should get an award for father of the year.

You sound rather amazingg and she is stupid to be doing what she is doing, and she will notice that one day, and that day might be too late.... and then who will look the fool, her!

Anyways as for furniture there are Charities avaliable around the UK that will help you, and stuff like Bright house you can pay like £3 or more a week off of the stuff but get them straight away... But charities like YMCA might help and free cycle, I know its not the same but it's something right.

And if she is the way it is, then she's not worth it, and you're way too good for her.

I hope everything works out okay, and again I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Here if you need to talk.


Avatar universal
by lovemykids465, Jun 25, 2010
Sammy, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are a very strong man. I do not know how you have been able to hold on for so long. I admire you. She does not know who and what she is loosing. But you have to let go for you. You deserve so much better. I know you are hurting. But maybe being away from her may be what you need to heal a bit. I know you love your kids more then anything and this is going to be hard on them. Just be there for them.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Jun 27, 2010
Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.

TimeHealsAll - No, I'm not offended by your suggestion.  Indeed, that is kind of what I've been trying to do for some of the last 3 years, but it's got to a point where I just don't think I can keep doing it, particularly if my wife's other man is living near us and she's going to see him all the time.  I can't have half a relationship with her, while she's having half of a relationship with another man, and for that to be my long-term future.  My only option now is to move on with my life, and that would not be possible while we continued to live together.

I don't want to have a life without love, or sex, and really, what woman would ever think of dating a guy who was still living with his ex-wife?

The welfare of the kids is now the most important thing.  I want to make sure they are well cared for.  I am sure that my wife and I will be able to co-operate in working out what is best for them.  We want to make sure we still live very close to each other, ideally close enough that the kids could cycle or even walk between our homes.  I will still be there for them, and see them all the time.  We don't yet know exactly how we'll arrange this, but this is the plan.

Again, thank you, every one of you, for you support and encouragement and for sharing your thoughts.  It helps me get through this.

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