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Coming to terms with the break-up

Jul 14, 2010 - 6 comments

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post, fresh and raw from deciding that my attempts to save my marriage had to end and it was time to call and end to it.

I'm getting more used to the idea.  It hurts really badly, but oddly not as bad as I thought it would hurt, I haven't felt the agony that I did at some other moments during the last 3 years of turmoil.  I still wish we weren't doing it - and if she said today that she'd stop seeing this other guy and try and work and fix our marriage I'd still want to give it a try - but I really don't see that there is any other way.

My wife has been good about it, she's hurting too.  We're both agreed about putting the welfare of the kids at the front of everything we plan.  She proposed that we should sell our current house (which is a bit out of town) and buy two houses not too far apart in town, ideally within walking distance - this is largely for my benefit, since she knows that being near the kids is my priority, but she also realises that being in town will be much better for me (easier access to work and my sports and social activities), so she's compromising on moving to a smaller house, that doesn't meet her needs so well, so that we can be close by each other in a location that suits me.  There are no disputes over finances or division of property; she knows she can trust me to come up with a financial settlement that will be as fair as possible to both of us.  We're play-arguing over who gets to keep the nicer of the two butter dishes, but it's all in jest.  We still seem to be able to get on well together - we even went out to the cinema last night to see Eclipse (although the whole love-triangle theme was slightly too close to the bone!).

There's a feeling of inevitability about this now.  I've told my friends at work, which I never did before - 'cos if we did get back together I didn't want anyone knowing that we had had problems, that would affect their view of me and my wife.  I think me telling other people is symptomatic of my accepting that this is really happening.

Trying to give myself positive things to look foward to.  Found a house that is a real wreck, but shows a lot of promise; doing it up will be a fun project, and give me something to do so I don't feel like I'm lonely and my home is big and empty in the evenings.  Planning to sell my two cars (one practical, one fun but impractical) for a more-fun-and-slightly-more-practical car, something else to look forward to.

I think this is going to work out OK.  It's still going to hit the kids hard, but we are doing our best to minimise it.

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Avatar universal
by funkyguy, Jul 22, 2010
The least you could do is make the kids understand.. wasn't easy for us but we were reminded each and everyday why break ups happen.. hope this helps..

and you might not remember me..

but my HIV test is negative...

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Jul 22, 2010
Hi funkyguy, thanks for the comment.

We've not told the kids yet, and don't intend doing so until very much closer to the time we'll be living separately.  I'm not looking forward to doing that.  I also worry that, when we do come to tell them, my worry over doing so will make it seem like a bigger and more terrible thing than it is, by making a big drama out of the telling.

We won't be telling the children any of the details about why it's happening, we'll just say something like "we're still really good friends, but we don't want to live together any more."  Bit unsatisfactory really, and I'm not sure they'll just accept that without asking more or at least wondering, but there's no need to burden them with all the details of why things have gone wrong, that'd do more harm to them than good.  Sure, if I did tell them the full reasons, it'd be my wife coming out looking like the "bad guy" in all this, but I don't want my kids to see her like that, it doesn't benefit anyone.

And yeah, I remember you - very glad to hear your test came back negative!  Hope those other stress and pain issues you were having last year are sorted now too.

940642 tn?1336063511
by j7653, Jul 22, 2010
Hi Sammy,  I'm sorry to hear that you couldnt make your marriage work.  I might be just a half year or so ahead of you on this (I'm getting divorced too), so I have some suggestions if you interested in listening:

1. The less you fight over things, the more money you both get to keep
2. As you stated above, you should NOT tell your kids that your wife has met someone else.  As much as you might be tempted to (I certainly am) it will not do any good in the long run.  It will only hurt the kids at the expense of making you feel better (if it does in fact make you feel better).
3. There are some good books on talking to your kids about divorce.  I read one before we told our daughter.  I practiced the lines I would say, the reasons I would give.  I practiced with my wife.  In the end it went very well and if you have kept the peace in the house then it will go better than you expect.
4. I dont know the age of your kids, but generally the word "Separate" is better to use than "Divorce" at the outset.  Eventually you can use the D word.
5. You cannot leave it too long to tell the kids.  They need adequate time to deal with this, digest it, come up with questions, and understand.  Remember that although you and your wife have known about the depth of the problems between you two for a long time, the kids might not.  So they need some time with this too.  

As I stated before, I too am getting divorced.  It was over back in October last year, but I just found out about a month ago that she has been cheating on me the entire time with the guy that I thought she was cheating with.  The lies, deception, and cruelty of it have been very hard to deal with, but I am still standing, still alive, and although it is hard for me to say, I do know that in time things will get better.

I wish you luck, and if you want to talk, write me back.

Take care,

Jason

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Jul 22, 2010
Cheers Jason - that's good advice, and it's a lot of help to share with someone else going through similar stuff.

Yes, the lies and deception really tear at your heart when you find out.  I've known for some time that my wife was cheating, it's been out in the open, but I was trying to give it time in the hope that she might get over it and realise that her future lay with me before it was too late and our marriage already destroyed.  Eventually I had to accept that wasn't going to happen.

We are still on good terms, we are still ridiculously good friends, and are co-operating as well as anyone possibly could on managing the separation.  This makes it all much better, both in terms of dealing with the kids, and also in terms of financial dis-entaglement and division of property etc.

It will just be a separation, for now.  In Scotland you can't apply for a "no-fault" divorce until you've been separated for 2 years; I could bring it forward by citing my wife's infidelty, but I'm not sure yet whether I want to do that.  It may sour the good relationship I still have with my wife to do that, and I don't want to do anything that will turn the situation antagonistic; on the other hand the tag 'separated' may be a big problem if/when I decide I want to start dating again.

I'll look out for some books on breaking the news to kids and helping them cope with separation overall.

Avatar universal
by lovemykids465, Jul 22, 2010
All I can say your soon to be ex wife is very lucky to have you. Most men would not be as calm and compassionate as you. I do not know how you do it. You are a good guy. I hope your life turns out better they you could ever have imagined.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Jul 22, 2010
It's not easy being calm and reasonable about all this.  But I know that getting angry and bitter and twisted about what's happened will ultimately damage me, as well as everyone else involved.  So I do what I can to keep a lid on it, most of the time at least.

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