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accepting

Jul 18, 2010 - 2 comments
Tags:

Fibromyalgia

,

reading

,

years

,

Work

,

Addiction

,

family

,

scared

,

dose

,

Kids

,

history

,

Relationships

,

medication



On Friday I took no Tramadol, it was terrible. I really thought that after being on just one a day for a couple weeks that it wouldn't be so bad to just stop. I was WRONG! I had to rethink my options. On Saturday I took one. While I was at my soap booth at the farmers market I worked out a taper schedule and plan to stick with it no matter what.

When I first started taking this stuff it was heaven sent. I had energy that I hadn't had before Fibromyalgia, I was organized, motivated, it was awesome. When they started to loose their efficacy I got bummed out. When I considered upping my dose I got scared. This was when I made the decision to stop taking them.

There is a history of addiction in my family and I do not want to become part of that club. I have been taking this crap for almost a year and by the time my taper is over I will have been taking it for just short of a year. A long term relationship with a pill is the last thing I wanted. I had no idea. I should have done my research, boo me.

Last night I cried and cried and considered going into detox, maybe a slight over reaction do to the panic attacks I keep having? Detox isn't really an option for me. I have three kids that need me present, a business to run with my partner and other family obligations that I have to be present for. So I will make this work, no matter what.

I plan to reward myself at the end with a trip to Powells, it's like the biggest book store on the west coast and it is my nirvana! I intend to spend all day there in the stacks reading dusty book jackets, agonizing (in a happy way) over my choices and lumbering home with at least twenty books!

The next day I will take my boys to Multnomah Falls and we will hike to the top and talk about god and aliens because those are the kind of things we used to talk about before this medication gave me ADD.

I have little mini rewards set up for myself for the milestones along the way of course. If there is one thing I have learned through out all of this it is that I have to like myself, I have to encourage and congratulate myself but most importantly I have to be patient and forgive myself.

Comments
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1059641 tn?1277522376
by forget_me_not, Jul 18, 2010
Yes, yes, yes.  You are so right.  It's a very...wise thing to spend some time thinking about why we were vulnerable to this stuff, why we ultimately got caught up in it.  But excessive guilt/self-reproach will not help move you forward in the long run.  

Like you, I have a family history of addiction.  Also of depression and severe arthritis.  I have the depression and am getting arthritis.  And I've now joined the ranks of those who fell prey to addiction.  (Boy, I'm at 100%!  What is that "nature vs. nurture" stuff???)

But...today we are at a crossroads.  There are things we can control.  Genes?  Nope.  Whether they translate into a lifetime of lost potential?  Damn right.  We can take the reins and control what we can control.

Your ripple photo made me think of some of these things.  Every thought has an effect on how we feel, what we do, what happens to us.  I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself, for assuming power over those things you CAN change.

We have a lot in common.  A LOT.

Healing,
LeeAnn

684676 tn?1503186663
by onthefence, Jul 18, 2010
i like the latourell falls trail, also the hike from benson lake, its longer but a real nice hike!

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