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Honest and Open....

Jul 27, 2010 - 0 comments
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Addiction

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emotional

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Agoraphobia

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dealing with anxiety

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Relationships



I wrote this and I'm posting it because it really shows how I feel and Working on life.......
thanks for reading





Hey Sweet Pea,

I wanted to write you because I have been unable to talk to you in person and I guess I have found it easier to write you and talk to you this way. So one of the reason I can't talk to you is because My Parents never did show us kids how to talk to each other, I'm not trying to place total blame here. I'm just stating a fact..So the other thing is , Because of  the time that my parents were raised My sisters and I got raised in a old fashioned sort of way. Ware the Husband gets everything he want's and that's that.
I'm not saying I'm that way all the time, but when it come's down to asking me like "how much do we give Manny and Moe..." I don't know what to say , So even if I truly think that both kids should get the same amount, I will go along with you. But I will be upset with myself the most for not saying No we give the same amount to both kids. But it is hard to be upset with yourself. You end up wanting to place the blame some place else. You know what I mean. And that is what I have done. And then there are a ton of things I have held in for a long time, and along with that I have let Anger raise up in me and take over and kill me. I find myself  not being able to deal with some stuff. And then I do this thing called talk before I think. Yes I'm talking about what I said in return to what Shanna had said and what Amber had said. Now I know some of that is just held in anger and other parts of it is me Just not thinking...past the moment. So I did write her and say I was sorry and that some of what she said was write. And that was it...and then I started thinking on it and was unsure if I said "sorry" so I texted her on her phone and made sure I told her that. I don't really care if she talks to me in fact her and I not talking is fine. I would rather know when you talk to her. I don't like feeling like stuff is done behind my back and that is the way it makes me feel. And if you have things that make you feel that way then please tell me. Gently .....!! Now I tell you and I'm pretty sure you know this but I'm going to say it any way...

For one my Emotions our still raw...the feelings and such that have come back to me are super strong. And the Guilt of how much time I wasted and then some of the things I let happen or did not stand up too..I guess in all lost time...lost things...You know what I mean? I'm sure you get what I mean..
So my dearest Love of my life...I do so Love You and I'm so sorry I have put you threw so much Pain and heart ache..I have not meant to come between you and Trevor, I do love Your son...in case you wounder..I sometimes feel bad because I think he would stop loving me in a heart beat . But I should not have conditions on my love for him, I still love him even if he does not love me, I guess that is why it hurts. But truly there have been way to much hard times for you and I. I mean to say that things are High time to turn around. But I do think we need to make some simple changes to our basic life.

For one I think that we have to be above all else be  Honest with each other. No more going behind the others back, I know that we have both done that. And I also know that you are One hell of a Smart guy and if there is something you want to know you will find it out. I don't mean that in any mean way. I just know it to be true. I never underestimate you.
So along with being honest with each other, I think we need to be honest with everyone we come into contact with. You know turn over a new Leaf sort of thing. I don't mean to say we lie all the time, I sure don't think that. But we will stretch the truth.. we will make things fit the way we need it too, and maybe we are to try something else? Maybe we are to be working life a different way..I'm not sure but I know what we have been doing is not paying  forward and I also know that you and I would be blessed with a much better life if we both had more principals.. Do you understand that? I don't know if I'm saying Go to church every Sunday, I think you have figured out that I would have watched that western along time ago if I really wanted you to go.  And I have to be honest with you about something else  that you told me when we were just friends and you told me one of the reason's you and shonna  broke up  you said it was her weight.I know there were other things involved in the break up but you said one of the things that happen was her gaining so much Weight...and  you told me a few years later , when I was heaver but not as heavy as I am now.  I was about the same size as Shannon was when you guys broke up that she had put on too much Weight so you did not find her sexually attractive. And I tell you I can not get over thinking you find me fat and unattractive.. What I'm trying to say is that when I put on Lbs, You and I were talking Years later mind you. Anyway we were talking and You told me I was the same size as Shonna and I don't think you even recalled that you had told me when I was Married to Gary Still and You and I were Just Friends. That is when you said that she put on too much Weight and you were not into to her sexually  and yes I know you told me you learned allot from that, and like I said I don't think you were telling me I was the same size as her and remembering that You told me you were not into her. Yet for some reason you are still into me?  Because she and I were  the same size at one time, I think I'm bigger now then she was back then anyway It makes me think, wow he does not find me Sexy or good looking and I don't find myself that way either. I mean Yuck I hate the way my body feels and I hate how my hair is  and its hard to feel good about yourself when you feel so darn ugly...And I can't help it I do feel this way....but I'm working on it...

Now with me sharing with you just this part of what's going on in my mind, um can you tell why I have been having a hard time? Oh to add to the fun of what I call my life, I'm unsure if I wrote this above or not..But its getting off those darn pain pills. It has messed with every Emotion I have in my body. It is plain Crazy and I mean that...it is so freaking Weird...I mean I had no Idea that I was Missing so much and some times I feel too much but that is the way I am and I love open armed also. Or I use too...and I still do to a degree...but I have become guarded and angry for a long time. Like I said above...I guess I just want to make sure and open up the communication between us, it was one of the things that made me so proud of who we are. We have always been best friends first and lovers next and so forth and so on. And if you have found that some things have changed and you want them back them back  and I'm talking to myself as well, we both have to work at it. And I know that for sure. I know that there are allot of things I want back in our life's and I know it is going to be work and such.. Just because when you  let things go that far as they  have between us, then you have to work at somethings to get that Love back and I do think there will be more...

I have open myself up to you as much as I can and pray that you understand all that I have said to you. I hope you know with all my  heart I adore you and Love You so very Much. I have always known every Seance we stood next to each other in that Gym that   we would love each other the Rest of Our  life's. And I'm not about to let that go. I know I have been hard to live with and hard to understand at times. And I can tell you that I really want us back the way we use to be. We did everything together and we laughed together and We Loved each other and I'm sorry if I have hurt that in anyway...I have never meant to hurt you. Like I said baby, I truly adore you.....Well I will let you  read this and I hope that you write back to what I have said to you. And You can read and hear the " Loving Voice that these words are wrote with"....Love You always,
Your Wife,
Mrs. Rhea .........xxooxxxx Love You Now and forever.......baby....

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