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Aug 16, 2010 - 12 comments

I feel like I'm already setting myself up for failure.  I didn't even attempt to taper this weekend, and now it's back to work.  I've already taken my normal amount this morning.  I rationalize it in my head, "Well, it's Monday.  I can't taper on a Monday because we'll be busy at work."  I know it's just an excuse, but that's how I've always been....making excuses to not do it.  I'm already experiencing anxiety just thinking of quitting Friday.  Why must I do this to myself?  I'm only 33 and I'm slowly killing myself, physically and spiritually and yet, I still crave them, just like I crave the cigarettes that will eventually take my breath. F*ck me.

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Avatar universal
by LeaAnn807, Aug 16, 2010
Hi!  It looks like you have found out why many people can't taper!!!  It takes tremendous self control and determination!  And there is always a reason to "not do it today!"  That was my problem anyway.

It's going to be ok.  Give some serious thought to how you will handle it when you do stop completely.  Be ready!!! : )

Avatar universal
by Cris718, Aug 16, 2010
Don't set your mind up for failure.  You have to quit.  

Here's the thing, your going to find ANY exuse you can to take them.....I know....I did the same thing.  I thought I needed them for EVERYTHING.  To get up, to work, to function basically.  You cannot allow yourself to fall for these excuses.  You've got to make up your mind, you've got to come into Friday with guns blazing!!

You have an amazing opportunity here to do this on your own, in your own stength, and you have it!!  These flippin' pills completely take control, I hate what they are doing to you.  It's almost like you're a helpless little puppy with a tight leash around your neck, training you to act and feel this way.  Take back Control.......your the master, the leader, the Alpha dog in this pack!!  

ok....I know corny metaphor.....lol  

Your going to crave.....but it does get better.....I PROMISE!!  Day 18 here for me......haven't had 1.......the cravings were pretty bad in that first week......but I am finding that I think of them less and less every day.  Coming on here reminds me more of them than my own mind.  But......coming on here also reminds me of what they can do and how they will TAKE EVERYTHING from you, if you allow them the chance to do so.  Please don't do that......please.

Honestly, I was offered the tapering schedule by my doctor.......but I didn't even want one more in my mouth......

YOU have to make up your mind.......and don't let any excuses make you take one more.......Stick to your quit date, and do it girl.  You can, you know you can.  

Praying for you to day
Cris~

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by Barbie95, Aug 16, 2010
Thank you!!  This is what I need is to write out my thoughts and to have people giving me confidence!  I won't be on again until after work, so sorry for slow responses.  The last thing I need is for my co-workers to look over my shoulder and read! lol

Thanks again!

Avatar universal
by Cris718, Aug 16, 2010
lol.....uh...yea.....that would suck.....:)

I'm loving that your journaling......it still helps me....have a good day at work girl!!  ttyl

Avatar universal
by Cris718, Aug 16, 2010
How was today??  Have you tried to taper any???

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by Barbie95, Aug 16, 2010
Ugh.  No.  It was a typical Monday, so I was weak.  grrrrrr  I have a co-worker who doesn't pull her weight and it ticks me off soooo bad, so then I get mad and feel like I need to numb myself.  I came home in tears for many different reasons, me being weak being one of them.  I need a vacation from life!!

Thanks for checking on me!  :)

Avatar universal
by Cris718, Aug 16, 2010
girl....I know.....believe me I know.....the pressures of life will turn you back to them in a minute.

Don't be so hard on yourself though......your working towards an ultimate goal here...to quit....so you know your going CT on Friday.....or you can taper.  MY opinion.....go cold turkey.....and just GO THROUGH it......there's no easy way....you've just got to put in the hard work.....

I believe in you.....don't fall into the "I have to take a pill....because I'm stressed"  because that's an easy trap to fall in...

Please know.....that after the physical crap...your still going to face the mental monster....it DOES get easier with each day you go without.....my body and brain are laready coming back STRONG.......I am finding joy in the more simple things in life....I know it sounds corny...but once you find that strength in yourself to do what your supposed to do.....everything changes (for the good)    I promise you........

Keep fighting it......(come Friday)  do what you have to do.....it's not easy like I said.....but it is DO-ABLE.....and you can do it!!!!!!

Still praying for you my freind........

Cris~

Avatar universal
by buzzhorn1, Aug 16, 2010
:-)  You're doing okay.  Maybe not great but nothing to get tore up over.  I had many falls from grace on the way to my first 24 hours without.  You can do this!  (Keep telling yourself that over and over even when you don't accomplish your daily goals)

Something I did was put on a don't care hat.  Like with your coworker.  Make up your mind that you're not gonna care what they do or don't do for at least a month while taking care of yourself.  My job seems to be drying up and I got chewed out at work on hour 36 drug free.  I wanted to eat like 7 Lorcet 10/500's but made the commitment not to care.  Just took my chewing and not smiling just said okay and walked away.  Not gonna care no matter what!

I also have come to the conclusion that I'm an extra huge wussy.  Something never talked about on this list is fear.  I tell you I was gulping my breath scared when I woke up on my quit date.  It didn't kill me in the end but fear was a very very big factor for me.  The folks here have helped me more than they'll ever know.  I truly love this list and the posters here.

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by Barbie95, Aug 16, 2010
Oh, yeah.  I have lots of fear, too.  That's adding to all of the other emotions on this rollercoaster.

Thank you for commenting and sharing!

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by Tessmom47, Aug 16, 2010
I started on Saturday, that way when Monday came it wasn't that bad. Day 3 for me. This is my 3rd time trying and I went to a NA meeting last night for the first time. I think it will help

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by Barbie95, Aug 16, 2010
I plan on starting this Friday, so maybe I can make it through work without feeling TOO bad, and then day 2 and 3 will fall when I'm off of work.  I'm hoping to use the "flu" excuse, because my family doesn't know.  How is it going for you?  How are you feeling?  What can I expect, since you're where I will be come Sunday?  Also, how many/what was your drug of choice?  Sorry for all the questions!  I'm just trying to educate and prepare myself!  lol

Avatar universal
by buzzhorn1, Aug 20, 2010
It's Friday angel.  Are you still up for this?  I hope so, I'm praying for you and looking forward to reading about your clean time!  All the best!!!!!!  Big smile + hug!

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