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A not so small victory for me.

Sep 19, 2010 - 4 comments



follucar variant papilary car


Hashimoto's Syndrom






PCOS Thyroid




Fine Needle Biopsy






major depressive disorder

A not so small victory for me.

For the last decade, I slowly slipped into becoming a bit of a mysophobe, or germaphobe. I am still the mom with the hand sanitizer, and Lysol can in her purse. If you coughed, I would leave the area. If I could not leave the area, then I would make an invisible six foot perimeter which you would not be allowed to enter. Being diagnosed with bronchitis, pneumonia every year, sometimes multiple times a year will do that to a person. Intermittent bouts of vertigo, tinnitus, migraines and other types of illness drove me to fear many things.

If my children got sick...I knew I had two, maybe three days at best before it would soon envelop me. After I had my last baby, I had to have my gallbladder removed. My last pregnancy ended, in a miscarriage. My husband fought cancer, while I cheered him on, after a year long battle, he won. I'm the sole bread winner for our family while he fights to regain his health. We soon realized our two year old son was showing language delays, some are asking if he is Autistic. By now my teenage daughter loathes my very presence, is skipping school and smoking pot daily. During this same time, I lose my sweet grandmother, and I slip slowly into a nervous breakdown.

I felt as if I was falling apart, and some how, no one but me could see it. Doctors always just patched me up, and sent me home. Antibiotics were my salvation. I was judged by so many. Well you should eat better, exercise more, do this less, more of should take better care of yourself. Judged even by the doctor who scoffed at my blood test and said, "Wow you blood counts were so bad I would think you to be a cancer patient." I was sent home with a nice antibiotic Z pack for 10 days. A few months later, I'd be back again, sick again...

I honestly thought I was dying a very slow unacknowledged death. I thought only when my autopsy is done will they know what killed me, and only then will I be released from their judgment. Finally, I will gain some acknowledgment that I was sick, not lazy, weak, or insane.

I moved my children across country to where they had an abundance of family. I knew my little family would be safe, loved and well taken care of in the event of my demise. There wasn't a day that passed, and  I would think maybe I am crazy. I'm such a sissy, so emo-drama. Get over yourself. I begin to loath myself. Always sick and tired.

One night I heard my grandmother's voice, "Dena get up not give up."

I thought maybe I need to see yet another doctor. Is it really pointless to yet another doctor again? I went every time I was sick, and every year for my physical like clock work. All my labs were always perfect. I even thought maybe it is all in my head. Maybe I am not sick, and tired...but just sick of it all. Maybe all the abuse I sustained growing up, maybe it had finally taken it's toll, and I had finally lost it. Spiraling slowly into a dark well of self pity, and depression. Maybe everyone else can see my "illness" and I am the blind one.

Finally, I decide to write down EVERY last single symptom. I decide I will find a doctor who will listen to me, and not just look at lab results. I decide I will give it one last fight, before I admit defeat.

It took almost a year, and two failed attempts before I found the him. The doctor who saved me...he spent almost two hours listening, reviewing, questioning me that day. Even when all my labs came back normal, he pushed for more, and in less than a months time ...I had over 23 blood tests. Finally, the day came and I was told you have Hashimoto's thyroiditis an auto immune disorder. I felt so relieved! Eight weeks later, the diagnosis of thyroid cancer was scary, but also in a way my salvation.

I am vindicated after ten long years. I am not crazy. It wasn't in my head. I was dying. And now...I am so very alive, and so very free.

I still cringe when someone coughs. I reach into my bag for my Lysol. My eyes dart to see if they are feverish, or looking pale. Are they in that contagious stage? The difference is now that my thyroid and my tumor are gone...I remind myself, I don't get sick. My immune system is functioning properly, so I am quick to dismiss my fears and relax.

It's a small, but proud victory for me.  

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1244639 tn?1270984166
by ladybug196346, Oct 22, 2010
It is so wonderful to hear that you have gotten through to the other side.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  I too went through a similar situation. I am finally getting better, but I am now struggling with depression.  I seem to be improving, but I am still in denial with the fact that I had Cancer.  I just can't seem to come to the realization even though I have gone through everything succesfully.  I guess the shock of it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  This to shall pass. I have faith that I will be around long enough to see my grandchildren grow up.  God bless you.    

1445110 tn?1388209711
by HessyKat, Oct 22, 2010
Thanks for sharing such a heart felt story. I too suffer with hashimotos. I first start out with graves disease hyper right after the birth of my first son. I left the hospital after delivery and only weighed 98lbs. My OB doc wouldnt listen to me when i kept saying im sick that i dont feel good. He shrugged me off saying well you jjust had a baby you arent suppose to feel good. I wont go through the whole long story but after finally getting to Emory clinic in Atlanta ga i found a dr. to listen and treat me for years. Here I am 48yrs old and finally had to have a total thyroidectomy in 2006. I am still having trouble with depression , anxiety and of course my immune system. I also have had family members just make me feel aweful telling me you are sick all the time and its in your head. You need a psychiatrist and so on. I dont think anyone but someone else that suffers with thyroid problems can really understand the impact of how the disease effects you. Thanks for you story and I am so glad you found help and are better. God Bless

1058524 tn?1285187240
by Justi_has_a_booboo, Oct 22, 2010
Aww I am so glad your both doing well, and thank you so much for the blessings! Denial is OK as long as you know you're there. I hope that makes sense.

I think sometimes we need to avoid dealing with certain realities as a defense mechanism. Getting a diagnosis of cancer is a roller coaster event. Unfortunately, it can change how we define ourselves.

HOWEVER by sharing, by putting ourselves out for everyone to experience and view... I feel we change the very definition of cancer. Do not let cancer define a sense we decide to change how the world views cancer patients...therefor we change how cancer is defined.

All of us do what we can not to let cancer be a death sentence, but more of a obnoxious poo flinging monkey on our backs. It's there riding our back, and it stinks...but it's not the end of us :)

1157646 tn?1343967128
by Nat_16, Oct 22, 2010
It's great to hear you're doing well!  

Thanks for sharing your story!! :)

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