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Break-up update

Sep 21, 2010 - 3 comments

Been a while since I did a journal, so for those who are curious or care, here's where I've got to:

The original plan was to sell our house (in a village about 10 miles out of the city) and both buy houses close to each other in town.  That didn't work out, there was nothing really appropriate for my ex to buy that was affordable - we found one, but she was out-bid on the purchase.  I'm now buying a place right in the centre of the city, should get the keys in about 3 weeks time.

I'm getting used to the idea now, it's starting to feel normal.  Continuing to live with her in our current house hasn't been too bad, we've been getting on just fine most of the time.  Yesterday morning there was a bit of an emotional disagreement (a fairly pointless discussion about who had the most right to feel hurt and upset about what had happened), and I had to disappear off for 10 minutes to have a cry before I could re-settle myself and get ready to take the kids to school.  But, that's the first time that's happened (either an emotional disagreement, or me having a cry) for a long time.

Her bloke (or f-buddy, as I can't help thinking of him in my head) has moved here now, and she's spending 2-3 nights a week with him.  I just have to accept, he's the love of her life now, not me, so of course she's going to spend as much time as she can with him.  It's natural that it would be her priority.  She has left me.  So, I shouldn't be surprised or upset or feel betrayed every time she goes to him.  But I still am, I can't help it.  Hopefully that will become easier when I'm living somewhere else.

Speaking of which, not sure how that's going to work.  The house I'm buying needs a LOT of work, it'll be a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, before it's fit for the kids to stay with me.  So if she's going to spend some nights with him, either I'll have to go and spend the night at the old house to be with the kids, or he'll have to come to (what will be) her house, which he's never done yet.  Don't know what she is thinking about this, if she's got a plan at all.

The new house is a good thing - it's a project that will keep me occupied and busy.  It's within walking distance of my sports club (which is also my main social life), as well as work, so I'll have that in my life much more.  I've got stuff to look forwards too.

We told the kids a few weeks ago, once it was clear I was going to get this house.  In the end it was quite easy, and they took it very well.  We'd already been talking with them about buying a house in town (when the plan had been for us both to move), so we introduced it by saying that we were still buying a house in town but also keeping the old house in the village, and I'd be living in one and Mummy in the other.  They were delighted!  They could see the benefits of a house in town - close to shopping, cinema, many of their school friends and activities they enjoy.  All this, but they still get the house in the country with the big garden and the beach nearby.  The oldest (11) was the first to spot that this meant we were splitting up, but even she's been pretty much OK about it.  They can see that their parents are still good friends, we still get on really well together, and they know that they will still see lots of both of us, it's not like a parent will be disappearing from their lives.

There won't be any sort of strict rota about who stays with whom and when, the kids will spend plenty of time with each of us, and occasionally with both of us together, both during the week and at the weekends - it'll work around who's got what activities on when, either things we need to have our own time for, or things we've got that we'd like to do with the kids.

I still feel the occasional burts of anger, resentment, disappointment, but mostly I'm OK, and I'm looking forward to the positive things I've got in my future.  We're going to be OK.

Comments
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Avatar universal
by teko, Sep 21, 2010
I am glad to hear you are ok for the most part and it sounds like the two of you have been able to remain friends which is awesome and as long as you can do that, the kids will be fine. If two people have to split this is the best it can be for the children! My hat off to you! You are quite the man! There is a very lucky lady out there somewhere just waiting to meet you, maybe not now, but down the road. The emotions will fade with time but never totally disappear until your heart meets another, but you sound very strong and so does your x. Kudo to both of you for being so sane about it all! Good luck

Avatar universal
by lovemykids465, Sep 21, 2010
Good for you. I am glad to hear things are going well. You are such a strong man and I am glad your children are handling it well. How are they going to feel if this other man does end up spending the night at their house with their mom though? I hope she is thinking about this.

The new house should keep you busy. It is about time you move on with your life. You deserve some fun too.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Sep 21, 2010
I suspect in the end he's going to end up living in our old house.  He's currently living in a rented flat in one of the dodgier areas of town.

He had been living and working abroad; he'd moved here, presumably changed jobs, just so he could see more of my ex (and at the time with the plan that we would still live together - he moved here so he could be whatever the male equivalent of a mistress is).  She and he clearly think their future is together, he wouldn't make such a big move if it wasn't.  So it's pretty much inevitable they'll end up living together.  Dealing with that is something I'll have to leave up to her, but I trust her to do it in a way that is as appropriate and supportive as it can be.  It's not something I can really have any influence or control over.

I trust my ex not to let him be a surrogate dad to them.  They'll see so much of me that they'll know who there real dad is.  How they'll cope with him, react to him, I've no idea how that'll work.  As long as they don't get hurt by all this.  My gut instinct at the moment is that I give this relationship a maximum of a year from when he moves in; if my kids get too emotionally attached to him they will feel hurt and abandoned if/when he leaves again.  I guess I have no control over this either; all I can do is be there for them when it happens.

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