Sep 21, 2010
I was looking at some Photo's today that were from after the first Cancer and before the 2nd Cancer...Wow what a difference and how long it took me to get to that Smile again and to feel good about myself to live life to its fullest...oh man I might be feeling a little sorry for myself write now I'm sure I am. But gosh darn it hurts to see that person that seems to be long gone and far from me now...Part of me wants to cry the other part of me is so confused about who I am what am I ok with now in my life what is a 45 year old Women to do? I mean Shoot I don't dress like I did in my 30's and at the same time can't I still be Sexy? Or has that all ended for me? I feel left at a cross road and not sure which way is the way to take? Have you felt like you are at a cross roads before? Been here many times myself but Why does this one feel so different? You know I even find myself asking Is the God that I believe in the Correct God? From those sort of thoughts to Is my Sexy days over? I mean after a Year Of Chemo my sex drive left and has now come back but My Loving Husband who had to go with out also I was not even nice enough to fix it for him during this time, well his drive is not as back as mine. That makes a women who has lived her last Year feeling like CRAP...OH and Yes he is my BEST FRIEND and Lord knows my life would be Crap with out him...I adore my husband it is ME that is having the time of my life ...Every Emotion you can , Well I have it and then I have PMS and OH don't forget I have Menopause oh yes it is fun oh and Lets not forget when I started to feel better I said to myself I have not beat myself up enough, Let me get the Heck Off Pain Pills...lol
Hey that was fun.......If you have done it you know what I'm talking about...I know you won't think I'm telling you the truth but no said "hey Rhea Get off those pills" No they put you on them during Chemo and after all my Surgery"s all 6 of them and then they leave you sitting there....Whatever........so like I said I was feeling Uneasy wondering to myself IS this PAIN Real? What the HELL it is..................LMAO..........Now what.........???
But that is not all of it nope nope nope...I mean Crap I"m 45 what the heck my life has changed and I only have one kid left at home and lord knows I love him and I am not saying I wish it was different, Nope I'm not saying that I am saying it is still changing. I had 5 at home...Now I have One...along with that, what do I do with my life now? And I'm not big on going out...and you know that is ok...I can stay home all I want and You know what it is OK to feel bad sometimes or to feel sorry for yourself some times...I mean it happens and as long as you let it go and pull up yourself from the boot straps you are OKAY...So why do I find it hard to keep my own words in my own ears?
Well I'm going to post a Couple of photo's that goes with this Journal Entry
Thanks all for reading and Hey They are good Memories
Oh I'm off this week, Meaning I'm just having a bad week and its ONLY Tues. So I will be I hope online later to Talk at you all