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Nothing Matters

Sep 29, 2010 - 5 comments

I feel like I try so hard to stay positive... but maybe that's not true. My mind has always been such a jumbled mess but lately it seems out of control. I've been so depressed for so long now... how can I feel like anything matters? It all seems so meaningless and I have so much anxiety that all the fear starts to compound and I get this overwhelming exasperation with being on this planet. Just thinking of continuing to exist frightens me. Every morning when I open my eyes I know it's just another day filled with mediocre ********. None of it makes me happy. I used to feel so much better when I smoked, but weed isn't strong enough to help anymore. Also it never used to give me anxiety now half the time it does. Klonopin used to numb things when I was on it every day. Then I went through a period where I enjoyed taking it occasionally.. let's be ******* real, because it made me high and numb.. and a lot of times it would induce a state of mania where I would actually get **** done. Most people don't get how benzos could affect me that way but they do.. at least they used to. Xanax too.. but now it seems every time I take one, I end up emotional and still can't stand the way I feel. I've shut the rest of the world out, my friends hardly call anymore. It gets to a point where you just give up I guess. Not that I blame anyone. Even if they did call more I still wouldn't answer. I don't enjoy myself no matter what I do, so why bother putting on makeup and driving somewhere, spending money I don't have to do some stupid ******* activity, or watch everyone else get drunk or talk about their lives.. I'm always negative and angry and of course I'm ever the actress, I seem cheerful and interested and excited but it's such a ******* joke because I'm not the person I pretend to be so who the hell is that hurting? Everything I'm doing just hurts myself. I know this yet I feel powerless to change it. I know I should eat better.. I try & buy good **** I guess, salad & fruit. It's hard when my dad's a vegetarian and eats the same exact thing every day to be motivated to eat right. I'm so depressed and I don't give a ****. I know I should exercise. I went for a walk today, if only I could do it again tomorrow. I need to keep trying the meditation for the anxiety. Oh but how do I slow my heart rate down? I bet other people wouldn't like it if their hearts beat around 90-120 bpm constantly for no apparent reason. When I try to lay on the couch & watch tv I can see my shirt moving because it's pounding so hard and fast. I try not to let it overwhelm me, but 2 days ago it gave me a panic attack. Let's not get to how fast it goes then. Oh gee let's see... last time I ripped the monitor off my chest it was around 190... oh yeah that was a fun day! I don't want to take the beta blockers again because they make my hands and feet cold and my blood pressure is already low anyway. So lets' see to sum it up, I'm miserable, angry, constantly depressed, severely anxious and paranoid, my heart is always racing, my thoughts are racing way too fast, I have no motivation and I enjoy nothing. Yet I'm supposed to continue living this pathetic and worthless existence because a couple people would be sad if I committed suicide, and B I'm afraid to kill myself.. afraid it won't work & I'll be stuck in another mental hospital.. afraid of death.. don't know why. I'm an atheist and I don't believe in hell. I think we just die and that's it and I certainly hope that's true because I'm sick and tired of living a lie.. I never asked to be here and I try to think positive and be happy that I'm alive and find good things but the truth is that it's all ******* pointless. The way I feel inside is so cemented.. the pain and worthlessness is so vivid, right down to the core of me.. the hole I'm in is so damn deep and there isn't a place for me to try and climb up.. I want to get out of here desperately. I'm trapped and I'm overwhelmed. I keep looking for the tiniest grooves in this pit to cling to, but the walls are slippery smooth and I just stay here, at the bottom. Damn, it's like everything that I think I can instantly relate to a Tool song. Yeah, that's something I like anyway. I like Tool, and I love pot, even though it doesn't do what it used to do. And I don't know if it ever will. I doubt it. Just as firmly as I doubt my ability to ever feel happiness.. or at least OK... again. It doesn't seem reversible, I don't think it's going away. I used to get the mania then I would think, oh **** everything is fine, things are great. HAH it's like an idiotic inflated sense of reality and it's not even real.. it's just a burst of chemicals.. imbalanced suddenly for reasons unknown... but then CRASH the actual reality crashes down . What a sick, twisted, silly thing. And what hope is there?? Medication? HA yeah. A lot of good medication has been. A whole lot of side effects and anxiety, not to mention the money spent on pills some dude makes in a big factory.. more chemicals to fix the chemicals right? Another ******* psychiatrist who doesn't give a **** about anyone, just his bank account. Here, try this, ok then try this. I've talked to you for 5 minutes but I'm sure this pill will make things better.. Well if there was a pill that would help I WOULD ******* take it. but the idea of being a guinea pig.. with all the horrible experiences I've had, and my anxiety about taking pills I've never taken after what happened with the Neurontin (worst night of my LIFE).. it's not so easy to just try meds. Oh you would think the worst night would have been when my EX fiance beat me up after threatening to rape me in a drunken coked up rage. Thanks for ruining my first modeling job. I'm sure I deserved it anyway, after all I liked meeting bands and his british accent more than I ever liked him. Thank you mother for all of the wonderful support and the childhood you provided for me. Oh but I'm sure I shouldn't reflect on the past. It's all under my control now, you can't hurt me anymore mother so WHY am I still hurting? Why does it all seem like yesterday? Why can't I get over the past? Why can't I get through today? Why can't I stop obsessing over the future, or lack of... why can't I stop obsessing over EVERYTHING... my thoughts, the paranoia, the self-hatred and absolute rock-bottom self esteem. All I've ever had is that I'm pretty. Great so all these douchebags want to get in my pants. Oh yeah and I happen to be intelligent. A lot of good that's done me. I can't slow my mind down or even figure out a way to exist, to make myself useful.. Just an angry ball of hatred and anger would tight inside myself. No way to unwind. My neck hurts so bad every day from how tense I am. I have a headache almost every day of my life. I'm trying not to cry but look at me now, how sad but true when I stop and analyze how pathetic I truly am. Nobody knows the extent of my suffering and even if they did would they really care? The only person I can talk to is the same person that's been in my life on and off for years.. my "soul mate".. and he is my soul mate and I do love him but do I honestly think he's EVER going to get his **** together?? Are we ever REALLY going to be together?? I highly doubt it at this point. I know the truth deep down... and the truth is he is the only one who will ever truly get me, yet he is also way too ****** up to ever make any money or be able to love me like I need to be loved. That's all I really want I guess. To feel content somehow, to be loved, to wake up and not want to shoot myself in the ******* head daily, to look outside and see the beauty in nature, to smell fresh air, to smile and truly feel it instead of just placating the idiot I'm talking to and pretending to give a ****. The truth is I know most people really don't give a **** about other people. We are all so consumed with ourselves and our own ********. I know I'm guilty of that. I'm just so lost in my misery that I don't know what to do anymore. I rack my brain for ways that will help. One more therapist, new doc., new pills, yoga, meditation, herbs.. I feel like I've tried everything yet nothing seems to help. I know I don't stick with it long enough but it's impossible for me to stay motivated because I'm depressed. I mean really, I dread going to the gym, I feel so uncomfortable there. I know they have a yoga class and I know it could be helpful if I could just make myself go.. but really I know I won't go. I'll just sit around the house and take bong hits, fill my time with useless crap like my clippings, and sit on this ******* computer all day. All alone, in my thoughts, suffering in silence. FTW.

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Avatar universal
by goobers666, Sep 30, 2010
wow, this really summed a lot of myself up. i'm impressed and saddened cuz i really know how you feel yet i know you are an incredible intellectual young lady that really just knows a bit too much to live on this planet sometimes, or all the time. i like tool, pot, i'm an atheist, deal with anxiety, depression, what i suppose is hypomania, "dating" a **** up - i can honestly say i know where you're coming from. don't let the world get you down, you sound pretty fed up from this post -  Just breathe. I think we hold very high standards, and so when the world continues to exist in this low state we get fired up, angry, sad ... Just breathe.

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by ukcliff, Nov 28, 2010
Hi, Just come across your journal Nothing Matters and wow how much can I see my self within what you have written, but I have never been able to express myself the way you have here. I totaly understand how you are feeling and have felt.
For myself I have now been on medication for 2 years, but I must say it has taken a good year and half for them to get my medication correct, but it does not come with out its negitive side affects, i must say I rather have them than the way I was trying to live with two people with in my mind before the medication.
Thank you for posting your Journal.
Cliff

Avatar universal
by 20yearoldguy, Aug 10, 2011
Hey can i talk to you. I went through the same **** you did. I have the ear myoclonus thing and they prescribed a muscle relaxant a year ago. I too had to go to the hospital because i did not wean off of it properly. Recently i got the surgery to cut the tendons and if you want i can talk to you about it. I read this entry and would really like to talk to you, because i think the same way you do and have gone through times of anxiety as well. I can talk to you and let you know how i have started feeling better.....I do not get on this website so email me at a_gamboa88***@**** to hear from you and take care :)

Avatar universal
by 20yearoldguy, Aug 10, 2011
^^the email is a_gamboa88 at yahoo. com

Avatar universal
by jimmy433, Oct 08, 2012
jimmy 433 We are now almost two years from when you wrote nothing matters i hope things have somehow gotten better for you such a beautiful face  that hides so much wishingnyou well

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