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What they do not tell you about being pregnant. If you get offended easily -please do not read.

Nov 11, 2010 - 7 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

,

unwanted advice

,

constipation



What to really expect when you are expecting.

1) Superhuman sense of smell - The Nasal Sensor

2)Uncomfortable sleep, for a stomach sleeper this *****.
Most beneficial way to sleep is on your left side, after a few days you pull your left shoulder muscle and ache arthritically for the rest of the day.

3) Weight gain, some women do not look pregnant, how great is it for the rest of us fat slobs who look like they are ready to pop at 3 months.
"Oh do I look further along then I am, then **** YOU"

4) Dry heaving, brought on sometimes because of my new found smelling super powers. At least show me something for my efforts.

5) Throwing up, I guess this helps the constipation since there is nothing in my stomach to exit from the other hole.

6) Acid Reflux, the food that can stay down upsets your stomach and causes an Internal fire that reaches halfway up your throat.

7) Accidental peeing, honestly it's an accident. I don't want my pants to look like an eleven year old boy's bed.
The loss of my urinal control is a trade off for my keen super smell.

8) I don't care if look like I'm carrying a boy or girl, stop staring and touching my stomach you Douche.
Since now you figured it out, think of all the money wasted on technology that has perfected the gender prediction.

9) Hemorrhoids they are huge and painful. If you haven't ever heard of "Anusol", you will and it will become more useful than your husband who is having a difficult time with the pregnancy.

10) Constipation and straining...my *** becomes a habitat for pain.

11) Doctors appointments are cruel. Do you really need to weigh me every two weeks?
How is it my weight is more than my IQ and I can't even keep anything down.

12) Heartburn, the myth is that heartburn means the baby will have a full head of hair. If it doesn't, do I get a lifetime of free wigs, weaves, hair plugs?

13) Advice, I don't care what you did or how long it lasted. Symptoms can last the full 9 months. There is nothing wrong with me if they do, and if you are a happy pregnant woman, don't gloat and do not come near me.

14) I could really use some liquor, oh wait I can't have any

ALl this will be worth it when I hold my babies. Then I'm sure it'll be another list on how I'm raising them wrong.

Comments
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377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Nov 11, 2010
Oh my gosh, you gave me such a good laugh.  I have a 9 month old and am now 5 weeks pregnant...I had forgotten all of this...but it's all coming back to me...lol.  This is soooo funny!  #8 is my favorite...

184674 tn?1360860493
by AHP84, Nov 11, 2010
I got a great laugh from reading this! So very true, all of it!

1303813 tn?1303159362
by Cassandrajane, Nov 11, 2010
AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. Made my day! LOL...

x

1504035 tn?1289852431
by Kcherries, Nov 11, 2010
lmfao . great !!

1454858 tn?1306784378
by vacuumprincess, Nov 11, 2010
awesone. love it.

176135 tn?1314752638
by chinesebones, Nov 11, 2010
Oh dear, I'm up to a new one, hopefully you'll avoid it:

15)  Oh, hello again.  No, I'm not in labor yet, just like when you called yesterday and the day before and the day before... trust me, I will let you know when I have the baby.  Oh, you'll call again tomorrow just to see?  Great, that's wonderful, because I appreciate your reminding me repeatedly that I'm not in labor yet- otherwise I might have forgotten I'm even pregnant because I'm so comfortable these days!

1194973 tn?1385503904
by Clysta, Nov 11, 2010
Hahaha. I love these.

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