Nov 11, 2010
What to really expect when you are expecting.
1) Superhuman sense of smell - The Nasal Sensor
2)Uncomfortable sleep, for a stomach sleeper this *****.
Most beneficial way to sleep is on your left side, after a few days you pull your left shoulder muscle and ache arthritically for the rest of the day.
3) Weight gain, some women do not look pregnant, how great is it for the rest of us fat slobs who look like they are ready to pop at 3 months.
"Oh do I look further along then I am, then **** YOU"
4) Dry heaving, brought on sometimes because of my new found smelling super powers. At least show me something for my efforts.
5) Throwing up, I guess this helps the constipation since there is nothing in my stomach to exit from the other hole.
6) Acid Reflux, the food that can stay down upsets your stomach and causes an Internal fire that reaches halfway up your throat.
7) Accidental peeing, honestly it's an accident. I don't want my pants to look like an eleven year old boy's bed.
The loss of my urinal control is a trade off for my keen super smell.
8) I don't care if look like I'm carrying a boy or girl, stop staring and touching my stomach you Douche.
Since now you figured it out, think of all the money wasted on technology that has perfected the gender prediction.
9) Hemorrhoids they are huge and painful. If you haven't ever heard of "Anusol", you will and it will become more useful than your husband who is having a difficult time with the pregnancy.
10) Constipation and straining...my *** becomes a habitat for pain.
11) Doctors appointments are cruel. Do you really need to weigh me every two weeks?
How is it my weight is more than my IQ and I can't even keep anything down.
12) Heartburn, the myth is that heartburn means the baby will have a full head of hair. If it doesn't, do I get a lifetime of free wigs, weaves, hair plugs?
13) Advice, I don't care what you did or how long it lasted. Symptoms can last the full 9 months. There is nothing wrong with me if they do, and if you are a happy pregnant woman, don't gloat and do not come near me.
14) I could really use some liquor, oh wait I can't have any
ALl this will be worth it when I hold my babies. Then I'm sure it'll be another list on how I'm raising them wrong.