All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Erbills Journal Entry

Aug 28, 2008 - 0 comments
Tags:

dadnchester

,

journal

,

years

,

war

,

surgery

,

pill

,

methadone

,

child

,

family

,

sleep

,

stress

,

chronic

,

mental

,

PTSD

,

Depression

,

Medical conditions

,

meditation



24734?1219972991
1st, i have been DX'd, at 43, 2 yrs ago wuth bipolar, and they were able to use 40 yr old data(the VA Comp and Pension Board) asnd family input to diagnis that i was actually a CHILD-Bi-Polar!! one of the estimated 2%of the 6 billion people on earth! So all my life of watching others to see what i was SUPPOSED to do, and my mind spinning like a top, when everyone else is sitting in there spot relaxed as a wet noodle....well by 10 i was in mny first(same school i went to in alaska when i was 4-6) but in arizona and was there...it was missrible for me..i went home for awhile but the problems were greater, the stealing of daDS BOOZE..FINDING pot was much easier at 11 or 12 to get in alaska, but id do ANYTHING! i ended up in mental wards in alaska and texas, and special seminars to CHANGE MY LIFE! and moved to special relatives, military schools, private schools, ALL LOcked Facilities..with an indeterminate stay explained to me..... as i was told i was just ' A BAD KID!" i 'Needed Behavior Modification" taht included corperal punishment up till the last military home. i fought back and was ejected back to my parents, who,m by then, were well passed exasperation, so i ended up geting , my 3rd one, a trip to the looney bin, to be locked up and feed soo full of thorazine, or one of the other titanic tranqualizers they used to use...to keep me in bed, or just able to go to eat.....THEN they start leting u out w/your family and reducing r meds to try to get u FUNCTIONING in society without getting in trouble, or needing 'further behavior modification'  so at 16 id just returned from that LAST one, and i had dad take me to a friends to let HIM know, and thereby ALL my friends, that i was back,,,look me up....he also gave me a gram of , ahem, smoke.....i knew dads rules, so i stashed it outside, and smoked it when i was gone fpr the day...BUT he got suspicious, and gave me a newspaper w.2 ads circled, and told me i was moving out ASAP!!! (BTW he never TOLD my mom that , he told HEWR i CHOOSE to MOVE, ) RITE 16 years and 3 days old, with a job ihave had for 5 days...and im inna efficiency alone, again, like all my life had been.,...alone, empty, and being told i was 'A BAD SEED' "BLACK SHEEP" or , from grandfather" a Black-Mark on the family name!!!"   i always thought i was a loser, a no good waste, and at 12 or 13 , in a mental ward, a person(actually was married to a distant Aunt of mine) Told me , along with the DR that id never see 15, id be dead... Well i wasnt trying the sucide thing again...id done oit on 27 tofranils once, and stopped my heart, and had the wororst experence of my life....remember John Travolta with his VINNY BARBERENO line??? 'UP UR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE?????" well thats what i came outta my coma with, so i yanked it and the tubes, IV's Machine on kidneys etc offa myself, .......Next day even my shrink wouldnt say a word to me.....he looked STUMPED...so i partied my BUTT off till i hit 19 , id losr all my jobs, zero chance of employment up there, family had disowned me, and i was living on the streets of anchorage,alaska in the winter.......i asked, one nite  of my dad for a dinner??? he came to me in his truck and told me NO,,,'U need to join the military,its all u have lkeft!" so i did, but i keptall my past SECRET...I mean all the neighbors never SAW anything, i was always shipped AWAY!..so at 19 id gotten a ged,was atending night college, and joined for 6 years in thto EOD, Explosive Ordnaqnce Disposal, BOMB SQUAD....it was a blast,,BUT too many wars, and too many heavy bombs later...i was discharged with an Honorable, and started my upward climb back to reality....all my war skills no longer worked in the LEGAL Civilian wiorld, and it took me YEARS to get clean and sober, so i could get SSD, and eventually, Service Connected Disibility, i have Skin rash disorder, and chronic fatigue syndrome, and PTSD from the , well i was in several, ahem, engagements, but well blame it on the IRAQ , GULF war,  The VA even found out that my PTSD made my BIPOLAR WORSE!!!!!!! like PTSD is STRESSORS ALL THE TIME, and BIPOLAR Responds to that level of stress.
1 am currently on depakote, zoloft, fgish pills, gabapentin( neuropthy) methadone, percocet, and i think thats al w/o looking at a pill box...lol... I have been learning/practicing Dream manipulation for about 12 years, and medititions since i was given my mantra in '94...medatitation is tough and has to be worked at...but it saves me on occasion!,, as u can c i have sleep problems, nerve damage, have had surgery on my lower back(l3/l4 desicated/l4/l5 1/3 cut out and it flops out each side at will, and l5/s1 desicated...so the nerve is pinched...i can sit for awhile and then i stand..so i typoe standing then sitting...LOL well there will be many entries in this website im sure...i used to journalize on my  http://erbillsbush.spaces.live.com   but dont visit as often as id like anymore...so TTFN ya all....send a line if anything resonates with you...OH i also spend the first 10-15 minutes of awake time w/o moving and i visuilize the days events, and whatg/how.wgen i want things to happen, and 'play the tape thru my mind a few times' and well...i have always been satisfied ...more on visualization in its own forum! TTFN God Speed, and i wish i could lite a candle for all of u and send a good thoiught, but the dollar store only had one bag of candles left...LOL NEXT TIME!!

Post a Comment