Dec 23, 2010
So I went to go visit my mother today before Christmas, she's not been doing well as her emphysema has been getting worse. Its awful to see my beautiful mother so debilitated in her mid 40s by this disease, and worse to know that she's probably not going to make it more than a few more years. Its hard to believe that it was just her smoking that did this to her, because she only usually smoked 2 packs a day, although sometimes more.
I used to smoke almost two packs a day for years, but Ive been trying to keep it closer to around 30 cigarettes a day, which is a bit easier on the budget. Im not sure why it is that cutting down to a pack and a half a day seems to be just the right amout for me, but it definitely feels better to me than 2 or 2 and a half packs a day.
What I cant wrap my mind around is whether or not Im going to be where my mother is in 10 or 15 years, even if I keep it under 2 packs a day. My problem is I know I will never really quit, so I dont even try to fool myself. Its not like Im a chronic chain smoker or anything, but I just know myself and I know that I'll probably always smoke at least a pack and a half a day, but that I should probably be able to keep it under two packs. I say that, even though I see everything that my mother and sister have been through with all their health problems caused by smoking. And for me, I dont think its just the addictive aspect thats part of it, I think its just become part of who I am and is something I wouldnt want to change even if I could.
I talk to doctors about it and whether or not my smoking will lead me to the same fate as my mother - and they usually say yes, especially in light of the health and severe respitory problems that run in my family. Maybe at some point, 10 or so years from now, then I'll be more ready to take a more serious look at cutting back on smoking. But until then, I just thank the lord for my mostly good health, and try to keep it under two packs a day..