Jan 14, 2011
Laziness vs. real issue ( depression?, GAD?)
Here we are again. Not studying & the excuse is? So What are you planning to do? Poor judgment? I am so sorry my dear self. I don't know what to do about it. I
What do I feel at the moment? I don't know will be the honest reply. Let's see..anger. boredom..need to run & cry & scream loud really loud as I run as fast as I can. I also feel sleepy…& there is something heavy on my chest & I just don't know how to get rid of it..I am not sure what is it as a start…I want to cry really loud & just fill my lung with oxygen & whip…I wish I could burn myself …set it on fire..It would be lovely to be in the middle of a burning bed…I want to survive..I don't study I know that & I don't want to go write my exams..I want a life ..I honestly feel disconnected..& I –though having the skills to initiate a cool conversation but not really in the mood..I simply don't want to have one..don't want to study don't want to do anything but ..again I feel –at the same time the need to do so..I mean I should do so..I can appreciate how that might be helpful & I am half sure that if I grip one of my book or PP presentation & just start reading I'll feel good for awhile & then I'll quite not only – if true- because I can't concentrate but because I don't want to..
Now why I don't want to study..is a complete mystery..long time ago I avoid studying because it was a stressful event – I mean because I procstinate there will be a plenty to read & just I'll be anxious whenever I start studying as how I could cover all of it ( I know it is stupid! I mean something better than nothing beside I was good in concluding the key point. Best of all, why not to live the moment ? ). So I'll become anxious..& I'll quite studying & just will start at 5pm if my exam is on 8 pm or at 11pm if it was in another time in the other day..just to avoid the bad nerves ..I know what I am suppose to cover & I'll just will skim them as fast as I can..& I have to make sure not fast enough to have free time so I won't have space to think & worry. Also I remember when this all start -1st year especially- I'll keep the whole day staring at my book..I am not sure if I was day dreaming or something else..but I remember my friends making fun of me for spending most of the time with my books …
.I remember not being able to adjust & the continuous exhaustion from doing nothing apparently I mean I have to share my room with another nerd who get up at 3 am, turn the lights on to study loudly …I remember staying under the stairs so I have the chance to concentrate… what I remember from me trying to study in the last year is me holding my book /reading them & for no reason cry like a child…& sometimes I feel like I can't breathe & I just can't continue reading ( back in school days I have similar feeling & I used to cry while studying but I attributed to the bad relation with my mother. But I did study & just didn't give up).
Other reasons? Maybe Because I am obsess with the idea I can't be a good doctor..can't be a doctor sometimes.. I honestly can't imagine myself as a doctor.. ( it is not like I have another job in mind)& I highly doubt if I can cover the materials or concentrate or even if I did my best I am not smart enough to pass the exams or score high….I am so afraid of failing if I tried that I just won't try & fail ..at least this way I will not feel like a fool I guess- not sure if that is the truth-!
Other reason why I am not studying? Maybe because it is easier not to do so- hard to believe?! My point is I am getting used /familiar to not studying ( the only thing I do about it Is sitting with myself whining about it) I mean I stay late on the exam day to make sure I'll sleep the whole day. & indeed I'll drug myself to make sure this will happen. Am I doing so to avoid the bad anxiety? Will why then I go watch TV or serve the net! To make sure I will not my mind & start studying if I hide in my bed? Then back again to why I don't want to study? When I try to explore my options: transferring to other college? I'll still doubt I'll study properly ( beside I am 5th year..running out of time but this is not a real issue). I can stay at home ( but again this will make thing worse for everyone, I simply can't get along with my family & bad things happen when I stay there..) I can get married which seems promising but again who is the fool. & what are the odds that I will not end up hurting him in a way or another . I can't control myself, so moody how I am going to raise kids? Studying is the best option I guess… DO I hate myself so much that I want to roll my life? I think I love myself!
Why I just don't force myself to study Or don't want to force myself to study! What can I do to stop hoping for a new beginning & just start from this moment… Why I think it is very important to know why rather to do something about it ...maybe as simple as grapping my book & actually start reading. Again maybe because it is effortless.
I just want to fly high in the sky.