Jan 19, 2011
And the roller coaster ride continues... we have good days and we have bad days. It's exhausting and I must say, I really don't know how much more I can take of this. If it's not one thing, it's something else. This has started affecting my work, which isn't good since we're going through the launch of a few new products and my schedule can't take this nonsense.
So, he's had many good days, with few pills. But he's craving them, he's seriously itching for the, He doesn't understand why I can't accept him taking them. He's also screaming for help... help that is scheduled, but not for another 3 weeks. I don't know if we'll make it to that time, and we're not even sure it's the right type of help. Great system we have in this country, just fantastic! You can get help relatively quickly if you have $10,000 to $20,000, otherwise you wait and you're at the mercy of the system. Makes me sick!
And then there's today. We received some good news about testing I to go through had about 3 weeks ago. My husband seemed very happy and somewhat relieved after getting the positive news. I thought it was great to see him that way and that perhaps this had added on to his need for pills. But when I got home I found him drunk... so, on top of the medication he's taking that says "Do not take with alcohol" he added a bunch of drinks to it. This is coming from a man who NEVER drinks. He might have 2 drinks a year, socially, but that's all. Today he's had several... too many to count, and enough to allow him to have been passed out for the past 3 hours (maybe more).
I know there's a reason he's driven to abuse substances... but we were starting to do ok with managing the pills, and now something else has been added on. Is there no end to this? I'm exhausted... the constant worries, the constant fighting, the secrecy. The good days are good, but the bad are just unbareable to me. Of course he doesn't get that... he feels I make too big a deal about the situation. He says "a lot of people take drugs or drink". Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of those people out there, doesn't mean I want them to be part of my life... doesn't mean I want this to be part of my life.
There are days when I feel selfish for not wanting part of this. I try my best to be supportive... but I don't know how much longer I can be the strong one... how much longer I can take the ups and downs. Life is far too short to go through such turmoil... I just want it all to be better!