Feb 14, 2011
so here I am almost 9 weeks pp and I just can't shake this feeling. I don't think I'm suffering from ppd. I'm just upset that I ended up having a cs. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I missed out, that I'm a failure, that my doctor and the nurses failed me, that I didn't have the birth I thought I was gonna have. I am still in pain, not bad pain but extreme sensitivity and tingles and numbness. All things no one in the hospital told me I would be dealing with.
My water broke at 40 weeks and 2 days, I was put on pitocin as soon as I got checked into the hospital due to only being 1-2cm dilated. A few hours later I asked for an epidural bc the contractions from the pitocin where unbearable for me and where coming every 3 min. I had not progressed at all after 8 hours and was given an option by the doctor who briefly came in for a moment to wait some more or have a cs, I took the cs. My cs wasn't done for another 7 hours bc of other "emergency" cs. No one even bothered to check me again during those 7 hours.
I did not realize at that moment what a mistake I was making but I did not know any better. I wish i had, I wish someone would have helped me with my decision. I wish I knew more about my options.
Thankfully I did have a healthy baby girl and I am very thankful but I can't help this feeling of sadness that comes over me when I think about it or look at my scar and feel the soreness on my stomach. I am overwhelmed with a feeling cheated out of my baby's birth. I want to get over this and put it behind me but I don't know how.
I am also sad about the fact that now if I ever have another baby it will most likely come by cs again and I will never know what it is like to give birth.