Mar 30, 2011
I have had babies on my mind often lately. Not the ones I have, the ones that I planned on having. I don't know if I will ever have any more. I am tired of being tired. I hardly have any time with DH. And yet I wanted to have two more.
Ideally, I would have one more naturally, and adopt one making a total of 6 kids. Or at least 4 full time kids and 2 part time (I share care with their father). But DH is not sure he wants any more kids. They are a lot of work, and I'm not sure that he realised exactly how busy he would be. But I think I want one more. I've almost given up on the adoption idea because by the time he would agree to doing it we would start the process and then it would take too long. If we started it now that would be different. But right now DH feels like 'he has enough kids for the moment'.
I'm pretty sure that I could persuade him into one more pregnancy in 1-3 years time, but do I want to create a child that only I will cherish and anticipate? I'm sure he would love the child, but when he is tired and things are tough will he blame me? Again, I don't think he ever would out loud but I'm worried that there might be resentment or negitive feelings between us if we are not both on the same page about our choices emotionally.
I feel a little betrayed. We discussed a big family and he was really keen on children. It is perfectly reasonable to change your mind and perfectly within his rights to do so. Even intelligent to reconsider and make a new more appropriate choice once you realise that the experience is not what you were expecting. I just feel as if I am already morning children that I thought would be mine. Wondering what they would have looked like and what I would have called them. I feel as if my family is incomplete and as if DH and I no longer share the same dreams and plans for our family.
It is a little lonely in this new place that I seem to have found myself in. I feel as if I've gone from a 'we' to a 'me'.
Makes me wonder, I thought I knew what to expect from my life. Where else will I end up that I didn't expect?
From here, where do I go next?