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Thinking about the future.

Mar 30, 2011 - 4 comments

I have had babies on my mind often lately. Not the ones I have, the ones that I planned on having. I don't know if I will ever have any more. I am tired of being tired. I hardly have any time with DH. And yet I wanted to have two more.

Ideally, I would have one more naturally, and adopt one making a total of 6 kids. Or at least 4 full time kids and 2 part time (I share care with their father). But DH is not sure he wants any more kids. They are a lot of work, and I'm not sure that he realised exactly how busy he would be. But I think I want one more. I've almost given up on the adoption idea because by the time he would agree to doing it we would start the process and then it would take too long. If we started it now that would be different. But right now DH feels like 'he has enough kids for the moment'.

I'm pretty sure that I could persuade him into one more pregnancy in 1-3 years time, but do I want to create a child that only I will cherish and anticipate? I'm sure he would love the child, but when he is tired and things are tough will he blame me? Again, I don't think he ever would out loud but I'm worried that there might be resentment or negitive feelings between us if we are not both on the same page about our choices emotionally.

I feel a little betrayed. We discussed a big family and he was really keen on children. It is perfectly reasonable to change your mind and perfectly within his rights to do so. Even intelligent to reconsider and make a new more appropriate choice once you realise that the experience is not what you were expecting. I just feel as if I am already morning children that I thought would be mine. Wondering what they would have looked like and what I would have called them. I feel as if my family is incomplete and as if DH and I no longer share the same dreams and plans for our family.

It is a little lonely in this new place that I seem to have found myself in. I feel as if I've gone from a 'we' to a 'me'.

Makes me wonder, I thought I knew what to expect from my life. Where else will I end up that I didn't expect?

From here, where do I go next?

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1035252 tn?1427227833
by Ashelen, Mar 30, 2011
I kinda understand how you're feeling....DH and I had agreed on having 3, but after I had so many difficulties during my pregnancy with Grey he keeps telling me "we'll see" about the next one....well, I'm positive. But he is the one that works and brings home the bacon, so I know that adding another child would stress him out....HOWEVER....we're buying a home currently and we'll have it paid off in a few years so I think having our very own home that we don't have to move out of when the rent gets high will help a lot...and in a few years we won't even have a house I'm hoping this inspires him to consider it less of a burden....that and I agreed to go back to work when the youngest kid is in kindergarten so I will ease the financial burden. My husband is so busy right now he barely has time to spend with the kids before he has to go to bed....but I still think I can bring him around to wanting #3. he didn't want #2 for awhile until one day we were driving home and we looked int he backseat to see DD sleeping and he took my hand and goes " I want another one!" and the rest is history lol.

I'd say give him some time to settle into the routine after the seems to take my husband awhile....and just have honest talks with him....don't pester but bring it up from time-to-time..."this is really important to me, how do you feel about it?" and just continue to emphasize how much it means, gently.....

I think he's probably just tired and over-worked, like my DH, and he'll need some time to get into the idea again....I know it feels like you've been thrown for a loop, but this, too shall pass!

184674 tn?1360860493
by AHP84, Mar 30, 2011
Hi, I came across your journal and thought it was interesting...almost like I could've written parts of it myself. I have two kids right now, a 6½ year old and a 14 month old. My husband and I are planning to have third child in about 2-4 years, but at the moment, when we discuss it, the thought just seems overwhelming.
I work full time and he's in his senior year of college, after which he plans to work full time and get his master's degree; I don't plan on quitting my career anytime soon because we are going to need the income of us both for awhile. Right now, I have days where I feel so exhausted and stressed out, and I feel guilty that I can't give my boys more of my time some days. I can't even fathom right now how we would split our time between three kids. Yet...we still have an open mind to plan for it.
However, I was just talking with my husband the other night about the adoption subject. I've had it on my heart to adopt a child or children ever since I've been about 10 years old. I still want to have that option in 5-8 years, but by then if we do have three kids, I just don't know. Adoption is expensive and there are so many variables to consider about it. My husband has an open mind and heart to adoption, but at this current time, it's not a reasonable or logical option to consider even 5-8 years from now. Not to mention, if we do adopt, I would like to consider adopting a child with special needs, but that means a lot of extra dedication, devotion, and money will be needed for that child--and we have to consider that he/she may need to live with us or have assisted living into adulthood. So if we already have three children...I just don't know...because at the same time, I don't want to deny them anything that they would get if it was just the three (or two, if we never have a third) of them. It's a tough decision that we are in no way ready to make yet, but I feel an emptiness, guilt, and sadness when I think that it may never happen, because like you said, it's as if I'm mourning a child that I may never have.
I don't necessarily have those feelings about having a third yet, because we seem pretty confident that we will have a third child in the next 2-4 years. I just feel like I may never have the chance to adopt a fourth child, who would be a child who desperately needs us as his/her family.
But I can't ignore being realistic, either. As I said at the beginning, even thinking about a third child right now seems overwhelming. I don't know how people manage having more than two kids, lol--I have my hands so full with my two boys! They consume every last spare moment I have. Taking care of them is demanding work that never ends. I'm lucky if I get a good night's sleep once a week! How is it possible to split and share your time and energy with more than two?
I can only find and feel any peace about this by simply taking it day by day and seeing where life takes us. I've had to basically tell myself that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be and it'll happen and everything will somehow work. I can't allow myself to be wrapped up in a dream of a family when I have to put so much focus into what's right in front of me. If in time, we find that opportunities are available for us to expand our family, then we'll do it. If not, I need to appreciate and cherish what I have, because that's what God knows I can handle. And we all know the saying that God won't give you more than you can handle. So if I can't, I just need to have the faith that He's doing what is best for me and my family and allow Him to take care of the rest.
I hope you get the outcome you are hoping for in time, but if not, I pray you have the peace of mind and heart to accept it and no longer have that feeling of loss and mourning. God bless!

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by lostchild222, Mar 30, 2011
I saw this journal and wanted to answer.  Kids are a lot of work and expense.  The fact that you and your husband are currently on different planes, sounds normal to me.  Why not just enjoy what you have together right now?

In a few years, if you want more children, your husband may be all for it.  Don't get too upset with him right now.  I'm sure he has a lot on his mind such as how to support everyone and still be there for his wife.  So, what I am saying is CHILL a bit.  

Marriages have their ups and downs with both people have various ideas about stuff.  It's normal and nothing to be too concerned about.  Right now you differ on how many children to have.  In a year or two,  he could say, let's have another baby before we get too old.  Things can change in an instant.

You sound like a person with a lot of love to give a child.  I could see someone like you fostering children.  God knows we need good foster parents.  You will get financial help from the state for their care, but more important than that, you can give a child love and compassion and help them feel worthy of a good life.  Teach them about school, social relationships, stuff like that.  Give them a family that they need so that they know what it's all about.

Have you thought about this option?  

Good luck with things.

719902 tn?1334165183
by jenkaye21, Mar 30, 2011
I could've written this post, LoL.  I definitely understand where you're coming from.  DH and I have 4 kids and I am lobbying hard for #5.  Unlike you, we never really "agreed" to have a large family, but I have always wanted 5 and I am quite simply not willing to compromise.  DH has had to be talked into #3 and #4, for that matter, and I certainly don't feel like he resents them or anything, I'm just saying I didn't necessarily say YES! I want another child!  but he knew how much I did and gave it to me.  Right now he has all but given in on #5 and I couldn't be happier.  (Well--  I will be when I'm pregnant, LoL) Some would call me selfish, and I get that.  The way I see it, I am unwilling to compromise on my dreams.  I refuse to be put in a position where I look back when I am older and regret not having had "my dream" of 5 kids.  I don't think my DH (or anyone with a heart) would ever look back and regret HAVING another child.  Just my opinion.  BTW, I am both primary breadwinner and primary caretaker of the children (though my DH does help out a lot around the house, just not with the kids' school, baseball practices, plays, etc.) so that *may* be part of the reason I feel more entitled to have primary influence over his decision.  
Anyway, I don't have any answers for you, but just wanted to share and commiserate. :)  You've had good advice from others, but I do know how hard it is to accept and be happy with what you have when you long for more....

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