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Why is my life so crazy right now?  Feeling guilty

May 12, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

guilty

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daughter

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my life

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feeling



A little while back I had written about all the things that happened in my life last year and was hoping this year would get better.  While this year seemingly has not gotten better I definitely feel a bit more relaxed about it and am finding things somewhat easier to handle.  Although, I really do wish things would slow down just a bit.  I feel as if there were to be one more thing piled on top of my plate right now, it might all come crashing down!

Let's start off with the fact that we have no money.  lol, who doesn't right?  It's tough but we get through.  This has caused some tension between myself and DH.  He's a smoker and has been for years.  I really wish he would quit or atleast cut back.  Cutting back would save us big $ as he is a pack a day smoker right now.  On top of all of this, we've been fighting like crazy for the past year plus.  The upside to things on this front, he's finally on medication (3 days in) and already seems to be doing much better.  He's not so edgy and negative anymore and I'm hoping this will help us to be able to communicate again.  Up until this point, I was sure we were headed for divorce.  It also made me realize why so many couples with disabled children often end up divorced.  It's a tough process and we are just beginning.  Inevitably someone in the marriage becomes the point person and feels the bigger burden.

Of course, we have all that is going on with Lexi and her recent PDD diagnosis.  I'm excited to start her therapies but feel as if I have a lot of unanswered questions.  What if it isn't an autism disorder?  What if she has a tumor or a blood clotting disease (as the neurologist suspects of DH)?  What if we simply aren't spending enough time with her and she's just lost in the shuffle of our daily lives and our constant fighting?  I feel so guilty sometimes.

Back to DH, since seeing the neurologist for Lexi, he's very worried that DH may have a blood clotting disorder (blood clots too much) due to a long history of migraines (since a young child), family history of heart attacks (both parents died at 53) and family history of stroke.  I'm worried about him.  So much goes through my mind.  I don't want to lose him at an early age, don't want the girls to lose him.  What if this is genetic?  Does Lexi have this??  

As for me...well I feel like I'm falling apart as well.  I've made a few changes in my life and some for the good but I feel like it just won't stop.  Recently went of my thyroid medication (under the guidance of my endo) and will do bloodwork in 6 weeks to make sure all is good.  Just hooked up with a gym and a "muffin top meltdown" workout.  This is taking up 2 nights a week and one Saturday but given my weight and pre-diabetic status, this is really important for me.  I feel good doing the workouts and it really pushes me.  Also, recently went to the doctor as I've been experience night sweats for some time.  Waiting for the results of my blood work, have a chest x-ray on Friday.  He won't even venture to say what he thinks the cause is yet but if nothing comes back they will then check hormone levels for menopause.

AND about 6 weeks ago went on birth control.  Thank god considering we were strictly forbidden to have another pregnancy until all testing on DH and Lexi is completed.  The downside...my blood pressure went from 120/80 to 142/87 to 153/92!  Will be stopping in gyno office on Friday to have checked and switch but switch to what????

To top it all off...my sisters wedding is on the 28th and I am the maid of honor.  My other daughter is the flower girl.  While this will be a happy day for her, I am totally stressed.  I still haven't gone to have my dress altered, still need shoes for myself and Rory.  Can't seem to find the time!

Sorry, I know I've rambled and probably sound completely horrible.  I just want to know when it will all end.  Even if I could just free up 1 or 2 things....

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1665622 tn?1305302351
by MemphisChick625, May 13, 2011
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

703031 tn?1398963307
by jb41799, May 13, 2011
Oh wow, thank you so much!  You made me cry but in a good way.  I am feeling better today.  Had a lot to do but also got a lot accomplished and feeling good about Lexi.  Thanks again!!! xoxoxo

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