Jun 06, 2011
Well, I've seen an older more compassionate doctor who I really like but she didn't order any more tests and I'm a little disappointed that she didn't at least order one more echo gram to clarify her findings. She went through my case and is using the evidence taken thus far. She says I'm fitting into the grey area and my condition is a clinical call on their decision to implant an ICD. Again I'm hearing the term "sudden death" and I'm basically feeling that there will be no other choices for me. I hate being so skeptical about the implant but I just don't want it. I've scheduled the procedure nonetheless but if it weren't for my 2 children I wouldn't do it. I really feel that the grey area she is mentioning is more to my advantage than any of these doctors think because I just don't feel that bad and not once have I felt a flutter or any sign that I'm in such danger. I think it's just so unclear to them that they are falling back on this implant idea as a safety net. They've all admitted that this thing may never turn on but they don't dare recommend the risk of my not having one. I'll be severely pissed if I go years upon years with this thing in me and it never has to engage. It's almost like I feel that this thing better be going off all the time to make me comfortable with the idea. At least then I would know for sure I need it. I'm not happy, I won't be happy, I won't feel any safer, I fear I will become so bitter that it will affect my family and my happiness. Meanwhile they get to study me and make me a research case in the process. Would be better if I was seeing a doctor who has one in himself I think. I'm thin, this thing will protrude and make me so uncomfortable that I'll develop a complex about it I know. 2 days to go until they put it in. ****!!! AAAARRRRGHH!!!!!