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Having Doubts

Jun 07, 2011 - 1 comments

I can't do it!! I have so much anxiety over this procedure as it nears and I'm seeing all sorts of cases where people are getting phantom shocks or unjustified shocking and so many cases of lead fracture and lead leaking. It's scaring me more and more and I've come to the conclusion that I will be bitter with this thing in me. Every time I think of calling it off I get a warm feeling that it's the right thing for me to do at the moment. I just don't think it's for me right now. So much praying and pleading to God for his guidance on the matter has left me believing I can live without an ICD, at least for a while, hopefully a long while. I am one of those people who just hasn't been convinced I really need it and I know for a fact I will hate it and become a monster over it. There's not a single thing about it that comforts me and I am being told it is a grey area for me. No proof positive I need it, just a safety precaution. So, do I live with the idea that I have been coerced into getting this thing and hate every minute of it in fear that I'm going to be shocked or suffer misplacement of leads or fracturing/leaking or programming problems,or, do I live my life the way I know it now, demand echo grams to keep a watchful eye on my heart or at least prove to me there's no alternative but an ICD so I can get comfortable with the idea. What if my heart gets stronger without it and they are proven wrong in the long run, that I'm not in so much danger of sudden death. How much more would I regret letting them put an ICD in me then. What if God really did heal my heart (as I prayed for him to do and felt his confirmation). I know he has me in his grasp, I know I am saved, I know what I feel, but I can't prove it. Another echo gram would show how my heart is functioning and could prove their point, or mine. I just won't accept this ICD right now, my body will reject it because my mind and spirit will be constantly rejecting it. These things I know for sure. I'm not ready    

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by abaru, Jun 24, 2015
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