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Why :(

Jun 16, 2011 - 22 comments
Tags:

Anxiety

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WHY

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Life

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Fear



why why why why why why why???? Thats all I can seriously ask.  I dont deserve to live every single day in absolute fear...Im only 17...what am i suposed to do?? Why do i have such an irrational fear of throwing up...why does it control me the way it does...if anxiety is all in your head then why the **** does my own mind do this to me?? How can my own mind hate me so much that it makes me suffer.  Ive had this severe phobia of throwing up since I was 2 and its COMPLETELY taken over my life. Im 17 and my life is complete ****.  I have no life and nothing is worth living for because i seriously live in so much terror everyday that I never smile, I never have fun...I was put on this earth to suffer and if theres any ******* god out there then **** him.  **** christianity and anyone who believes in god. i dont even care if I offend because if anyone suffers the amount i do then they know...this world is a horrible place and whoever "created" it is no one even close to worshipping. **** you world...you screwed me over.

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Avatar universal
by bbxx, Jun 17, 2011
Well, I wanted to say that for over  one year I could do nothing. I was in bed and could do NOTHING. I could not go out in the sunlight, I could barely see, I  could not stand or walk or anything. I had to crawl if I went anywhere.  I was sooo sick. I can now look at a computer and sit in the sun, but I its been over 2 years now and I still cant do anything normal like i use to. I spend my days just sitting, and even sitting is excruciating. Before you think big deal, whats 2 years, let me tell you something. I am 42 years old and I spent 35 of those years dealing with another issue that caused me to miss out on all the important things like family weddings, funerals, my childrens plays and games etc... I could go on about my life.
You can hate me if you want to, becuase I am a Christian. You can hate my God. I assure you he loves  you no matter what you think of him. You think he is to blame for your problems. He is my hope. He has kept me from taking my life when I didnt want to face another day. He is the only hope I have. The doctors can not fix me. I have nothing to live for if you want to view if through your eyes. I am waiting and trusting that he will miraculously heal me.  I know you are hurting. I am sorry you are hurting. People all over this world are huring one way or anther. I know you and I have spoken before. Please dont give up. As long as you are breathing, there is hope.

Avatar universal
by bbxx, Jun 17, 2011
Ps, I forgot to add I also have heart rythm issues daily too.

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by nursegirl6572, Jun 17, 2011
We've been trying to help you on the Anxiety forum.  You can be angry, that's okay.  It's not okay to not care if you offend other people.  It also really doesn't do any good to wallow in self pity.  I've asked you a few times but still not gotten an answer.

What have YOU done to help YOURSELF?

Avatar universal
by sweetpea03, Jun 17, 2011
Wallowing in self-pity gets you no where. If you want to start getting better, then you need to do something about it. I live with daily physical pain from a lymphatic malformation and have been through numerous surgeries, but I don't let it stop me from living life. Pick yourself up and start moving forward. Maybe this is just a bad day for you, but you can't sit around and think woe is me. Yea, that would make life miserable, but you can also change that by forcing yourself to move on. See a counselor and work on your anxiety issues. Go out and volunteer. Do things that can help make you happy. It's your choice. You can sit around and have a pity party or you can do something about it.

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 17, 2011
Ive been on over 5 antidepressants and have seen over 5 therapists. Im 17. Most people my age take anti-depressants because they are curious drug addicts. not because its what keeps them from killing themselves as it does me. To say I am not helping myself is just insaulting. Im allowed to vent. If you consider that self pity then good for you i dont care. im 17. Kids my age ignore me when im sad because they are just kids and dont know how to deal with it. after being mute for 3 years because kids dont understand kids like me, i have a right to speak my feelings. I thought i didnt for 3 years so i held everything inside which is probably why im so suicidal now. im not having a ******* pity party. im just 17 trying to get through the day.

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by beau194, Jun 17, 2011
Dear 17:  I see that you are very upset. Please consider that you may have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It can be diagnosed and brought under control by seeking professional medical help. It's no different than having any other medical condition remedied. You don't have to live your life trying to continually cope with fear...Life can be so full of frustrations. Venting your anger can be a positive thing if, venting is all you do. Although, we should take into consideration those we are venting toward. No person (not even yourself) is to blame for your terrible, ongoing condition. God sees the very motives of our hearts. God knows our feelings and He knows what we are thinking even before we speak. He knows you're hurting and that you are angry. I found out that God IS. During the lowest, most depressing, fearful, moment of my life I called out for help. God was there, through His Son, Jesus. God made Himself very real to me and saved me from myself. I now know for sure that God is who He said He is. The Bible is His word to us. Jesus IS His Son, our Savior, and our help at all times. Please take care of yourself and seek medical attention. Our healthcare is a blessing from God. Use it. We all have to at some point of our lives....God bless and keep you. You have been prayed for already......A friend

1649704 tn?1402778437
by beau194, Jun 17, 2011
I see now that you have sought medical attention. It doesn't sound like they have helped you enough since you are still living in fear. There Must be a clinical answer and hopefully the right medication for you. I pray God will strengthen and encourage you.

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by margypops, Jun 17, 2011
hi jcook I think you are feeling sad, and its true its easy to lash out when you are feeling down ..folks are trying to help and sometimes its not easy to be able to do so especially online they also don't like to hear  God defamed. I doubt you meant it really, . I think you are getting some help its good to talk it through... One piece of advice ..don't think too much if you switch off the negative thoughts ,put it away it may ease off .Beau is right you should get some further medical advice for the condition. Good luck feel better soon .it is your journal and like others you are allowed to vent,many do ..

Avatar universal
by bbxx, Jun 17, 2011
Do you remember a while back I told you about my friends daughter who had the same thing? She is 100% better now and traveling the world (literally). There is hope for you. This is not the rest of your life. I know you feel cheated because you are 17, but age really has nothing to do with it. When people are hurting, they are hurting. To a child of 6 dying of cancer, they may feel its not fair, cause they are so young. To a person in their 60s dying of cancer, they may feel cheated because most of their friends got to retire and finally enjoy life after working for years and years and helping everyone else. You are hurting kiddo, and you cant help feeling that pain. I know. But there is hope. It doesnt matter if no meds work, or no counselling. Gods bigger. You still have hope. Dont give up.

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by adgal, Jun 17, 2011
I also have a serious anxiety disorder.  I do understand how it can take over your life.  The thing is, you do have way more control then you think you do.  Honestly you do. It's not easy, but you have to reach way down into yourself and take it back.  I look at my situation almost like a war.  If I let the anxiety take over my life, it wins.  This means I have no life.  No enjoyment at all...and there is so much in life to enjoy.  I know so far the meds haven'[t worked for you.  But you know what...you have to keep going and keep trying. Switch Dr.s if you need to. Find someone who can help you.  I wound up on meds and therapy together. For me, that was the best combination.  The help is out there, but sometimes you have to fight really really hard to find it.  The alternative?  Not being happy.  And life is way to short my dear.  It's ok to vent sometimes.  I do it too.  But you can't hurt others.  I get why you do that.  Sometimes when we are hurting so bad, we want to lash out.  But it never actually makes you feel better..usually makes you feel worse.  So time to get up, get tough and beat this thing!!!  I did it, and I know you can too.

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 17, 2011
Thanks for the words of support. I hit a low point yesterday when i wrote this and im graduating high school tomorrow so im just way to stressed out and trying to get out of this slum.

Like I said turkee23...I have tried over 5 different medications and have had more than 5 therapists and have looked into alternative therapies. im trying.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Jun 17, 2011

  And that's good that's what we do we keep going,when life smacks us in the chops ,  its possible that the graduation has made you nervous today and you did get good and mad , so I hope you feel better now ..have you parents to talk to ?

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 18, 2011
Well, I have my mom but she is depressed and suicidal herself.

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by turkee23, Jun 18, 2011
I wasn't trying to be mean but the rant you were on yesterday about god was jus crazy and wanting to offend people.....not cool....and then u reported me and deleted my posts but then answered them lol

Have u tried a support group bin your area with people jus like you?

Oh contests on graduating

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Jun 18, 2011
Sorry to hear about mom is she getting help ..so today is graduation day ..I hope you are feeling better and looking forward to it, what will happen then will you be going onto college what will you be studying, where do your interests lie ?

377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Jun 18, 2011
I find that when there is a big event in my life, my anxiety does get far far worse.  I think we all have certain triggers and that is part of it.  I am just learning myself how all this works...it's hard.  Congrats on graduation.  Such a big milestone and one you should be very proud of.  

I read where you say 5 different meds and therapists.  I guess I was one of the lucky ones and quickly found a med that worked for me, but I know that sometimes it's not that easy and many have to try several before they find something that works.  As for therapists..that can be a whole different ballgame.  It's so important to find one that we feel super comfortable talking to, and that we actually believe in.  I have had to switch myself..I think that is pretty common.  I guess my point is I really hope you don't give up.  Your so young and have so much ahead of you.  I read in one of your comments you are looking into colleges...that is so great!!  It sounds like you have a wonderful future.  Keep fighting and keep looking for that right person to help you.  I know there is no magic cure, but one step is to not feel ashamed.  I know once I got past the initial shame I felt it made a really big difference.  Recognizing that so many of us go through this and seeing others doing so well really helped me a lot.  Just never give up fighting ok?  I promise promise, it does get better.  I well remember that hopeless feeling and know how it can bring you so far down.  But we have to keep moving forward.  I did it, and I know you can too!!

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 18, 2011
turkee23: I understand. I wrote it at a low point and didnt actually mean what i said. But i didnt delete your posts at all...some of mine are deleted too. I think they must have been reported or something.

margypops: My mom isnt getting help...she recently just tried therapy but she doesnt like it at all. She normally uses me as her therapist and i think ranting to me is what makes her feel better. Im going to Roger Williams University in the fall and majoring in media communications with a public relations focus and minoring in graphic design most likely.

adgal: Thank you.  Your words are encouraging. My anxiety got so high before graduation and now that its over, i still have a little anxiety but its not nearly as bad. I will keep fighting...I just hope your right on the getting better deal!

480448 tn?1426948538
by nursegirl6572, Jun 18, 2011
Congrats on your graduation!  While these may be stressful times for you, try to take some time to celebrate that huge accomplishment!

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by ricky_id, Jun 19, 2011
Then you're standing on your own. You just haven't found a turning point yet, but hang in there.

I used to be suicidal and have since fully recovered, with little meds along the way but they all have stopped since a long time ago. It's about having the right psychology.

If you didn't mind, would you perhaps take some time to describe your life? I mean the one that has triggered your problems.

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 23, 2011
I believe my problems have triggered from having a suicidal mother, a drug addict father who verbally and rarely but still physically abuses my mom.  Thats the very broad story.  I believe once I am out of my house it will get better.

1390847 tn?1344657468
by j17c27, Jun 23, 2011
Oh, and congrats on fully recovering...thats a huge thing not a lot of people can say, so you should be really proud.

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by Amberlc, Jun 24, 2011
Venting always helps me feel better so as long as your not taking it any farther than that... Do it. I prayed to god all the time when I was younger to stop the abuse and neglect and that was before I even knew what was wrong with my brain. In 9th grade I stopped believing in god all together. And attempted suicide in 09. Its taken a lot of work to get where I am (and i still have a long way to go) and I honestly dont know what to think about god anymore. I totally understand growing being told he/she will help you and when you need his/her help the only help you get is the help you give yourself. In my eyes thats a right to get mad every once and a while and just need to vent. Also if your venting on here in a journal and upsetting a few people... thats better than hurting your own family and people in your real day to day life. Good luck and feel better dear.

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