So today my wife and I had our first joint counselling session. I went in there optimistic - after all the [email protected]
that has happened I thought the fact that there was now openness and honesty between us, that she'd stopped her previous "recreational weekends away", and that she'd agreed at last to attend counselling together, meant that she was at least open to looking for a way to rebuild our relationship.
Well, it didn't go like that. Right from the start, it was clear that she took a pretty quick dislike to the counsellor (who'd I'd seen a couple of times on my own already). But mainly, she made it clear right away that she did not see there was any hope of us getting back together. From her point of view, the counselling was to help us deal with the separation, not to help us get back together. Her position is that she really wishes she did wanted to be with me, but she doesn't. Which might sound a bit confusing, but it makes sense to me. The rest of the session really just involved me trying and failing to come to terms with the fact that we are not going to be getting back together again as a couple, that all my efforts in that direction have been in vain, trying to understand and get explanations for stuff that I basically already knew, and having wildly swerving emotions between STILL wanting to look for ways to rebuild the relationship, and wondering what would happen if we did separate.
So now we're in a difficult situation. I will absolutely not live apart from my kids. She's the same. So we are stuck in the same house together, whatever happens. I still love her and want a relationship with her. She still loves me, but not in the same way, and does not want a relationship with me. I don't know how, or if, I can live under the same roof as her and not be in constant emotional pain because we no longer have the relationship we once did, but I still want it.
I'm not writing this looking for some great solution. And anyone who is tempted to leave a note saying unpleasant or mean stuff about my wife can bugger off, I don't want to hear it. I'm just venting my feelings right now, trying to come to terms with the situation and decide how I feel about it. I'm not ready to look for any answers yet.