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Looks like it's all over - where now?

Sep 25, 2008 - 4 comments










So today my wife and I had our first joint counselling session.  I went in there optimistic - after all the [email protected] that has happened I thought the fact that there was now openness and honesty between us, that she'd stopped her previous "recreational weekends away", and that she'd agreed at last to attend counselling together, meant that she was at least open to looking for a way to rebuild our relationship.

Well, it didn't go like that.  Right from the start, it was clear that she took a pretty quick dislike to the counsellor (who'd I'd seen a couple of times on my own already).  But mainly, she made it clear right away that she did not see there was any hope of us getting back together.  From her point of view, the counselling was to help us deal with the separation, not to help us get back together.  Her position is that she really wishes she did wanted to be with me, but she doesn't.  Which might sound a bit confusing, but it makes sense to me.  The rest of the session really just involved me trying and failing to come to terms with the fact that we are not going to be getting back together again as a couple, that all my efforts in that direction have been in vain, trying to understand and get explanations for stuff that I basically already knew, and having wildly swerving emotions between STILL wanting to look for ways to rebuild the relationship, and wondering what would happen if we did separate.

So now we're in a difficult situation.  I will absolutely not live apart from my kids.  She's the same.  So we are stuck in the same house together, whatever happens.  I still love her and want a relationship with her.  She still loves me, but not in the same way, and does not want a relationship with me.  I don't know how, or if, I can live under the same roof as her and not be in constant emotional pain because we no longer have the relationship we once did, but I still want it.

I'm not writing this looking for some great solution.  And anyone who is tempted to leave a note saying unpleasant or mean stuff about my wife can bugger off, I don't want to hear it.  I'm just venting my feelings right now, trying to come to terms with the situation and decide how I feel about it.  I'm not ready to look for any answers yet.

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Avatar universal
by SeriousSam, Oct 01, 2008
In the UK your pretty much up a tree if she decides to move out or divorce you and not let you see you kids, so if push comes to shove do you really have a choice in what you want withh your kids?

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Oct 01, 2008
She'd never stop me from seeing our kids, or restrict access, whatever happened.  But I don't want access, I want to live with them.  I'm a 7-days-a-week dad, for me anything less is not good enough.

460185 tn?1326077772
by lonewolf07, Oct 04, 2008
No nasty comments about your wife from me.  One thing I noticed is that your wife didn't like the councellor.  Without being able to feel safe with your therapist, not much can be done.

Glad you don't want answers (as stated in your original post) because I don't have any.

For what it's worth, it seems like you are both willing to have counselling/therapy.  Maybe things will improve.  If not, at least you'll know you've tried everything possible.

You sound like you love your children and your wife.  Those "recreational" weekends must have been quite painful for you

Hope you get it sorted out.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Oct 04, 2008
We will be visiting a different counsellor on Monday - hopefully that will be a bit more conducive to making some sort of progress.  One of the problems with the previous one was that I had been to her on my own a couple of times, so my wife was already apprehensive about her having already formed opinions based on just hearing one side of the story.  Once we got there, her somewhat confrontational approach and interrupting didn't really endear her to my wife, she doesn't react well to that sort of thing, particularly from someone who is being paid to listen to what she has to say.

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