Aug 12, 2011
My mother had me when she was 14 years old, obviously she was never emotionally or mentally ready for a child, and I always latched onto my grandmother and her man because my father left for the states before I was even born and my mom moved out and left me with them anyways. However, growing up proved to be a real challenge and it seems I’m always on the quest to be loved but I never truly felt like it was there, not in family, friends not even my boyfriend. I was always so awkward growing up I was always shying away from others and always felt like a nuisance and a bother. When I was about 6 years old, my grandmother’s boyfriend started beating me with a fan belt and electric cords, I had to go to school with cuts and bruises and for the stupidest things too like I don’t go to bed when I was told, I made too much noise when playing etc. As I got older it just got worse, when I was about 10 he slapped me across the face and slammed my head against the edge of the dresser. When my grandma came home, I told her I was so happy she believed me but then he cried (actual tears) and told her he didn’t and she ordered me to apologize to him for lying. This continued even through high school, once in high school he slapped me when I was washing dishes for giving my grandma what he calls a “dirty look” I couldn’t hear anything out of my left ear for a week and my grandma said “well that’s what u get for being rude” and again when she asked me for something and I didn’t get it for her “fast enough”, Imagine going through school with cuts and bruises on your face, I was teased so much which made it even worse, no one wanted to be around “sad, beaten girl” all the while. He always says that he was gonna burn the house down and kill us all in our sleeps and he was gonna cut my grandmother’s head off. I was always so scared every night I went to bed thinking it was going to be last.
My mother never defended me, she was never there, always too busy with other guys to care really. The only time she was around was to tell me how stupid and disgusting I am or to ask for stuff otherwise she just ignored me always caring more about her hook-ups and break-ups to notice my self-inflicted wounds, even when I literally showed her she didn’t care. This man used to come to room at night and do creepy stuff like rub my back and belly or peep through a hole in the bathroom when I was bathing, my mom saw once and then she called me into her room the next day accusing me of having a RELATIONSHIP with him! Like wtf??? I was just a child. Whenever she wanted something she’d come ask me, me being the child here, she’d always ask me for clothes, shoes, money for hair, phone cards etc. and I would spend all my money on her just because I just wanted her to be there but as soon as my money was gone she was too. When I had no money I did not see her. She would depend on me emotionally when she has spent all her time, effort and money on some guy that dumped her she would constantly text me telling me how sad and broken hearted she was or crying on my shoulder and even just that slightest moment of comfort meant so much to me while it lasted. My mom never had money for me EVER no matter how in need I was, she never threw my a birthday party but she threw one for her boyfriend, when I was sick and he had the chicken pox she took care of him…not me.
There’s so much more that I went through (raped, beaten etc) but that’s not the point. The point is for all of you who have been so severely damaged physically, emotionally let me say it’s not you. Simple. If ur mothers, fathers couldn’t find it in their hearts to love you, protect you and make u feel safe they are the ones with the problems. Please do not spend ur entire life falling short or feeling hopeless because to go through what u have gone through and still be here is living proof that there is a HUGE strength in u that many have not be able to accomplish. I have learned that this man is an uneducated monster and though I will never get over the trauma I will not allow him to control my life by thinking about him too much, he is insignificant and sick. Who beats a child and touches her? I wouldn’t so that makes him lower than the ground I walk on and me higher than the clouds, he is not on my level and I will not lower my standards by giving him control over my tears and emotions anymore, he will not make me cry or lose anymore sleep. I will not be afraid to look him the face and flaunt my success and accomplishments. STOP LETTING THEM HURT YOU EVEN AFTER THE ABUSE IS DONE. Let them fade like ashes, creamate them in ur head and be done. I realize that my mother might have grown up in age but in mind she’s nothing but a little girl. Accept ur parents for who they are and who they will never be and move on, constantly battling for their love and affections, purchasing it the way I did it will never work. Instead they will break you down in the worse way (even when they die) and u will always feel like ur not worthy even if u can move mountains