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For the broken hearted

Aug 12, 2011 - 14 comments

My mother had me when she was 14 years old, obviously she was never emotionally or mentally ready for a child, and I always latched onto my grandmother and her man because my father left for the states before I was even born and my mom moved out and left me with them anyways. However, growing up proved to be a real challenge and it seems I’m always on the quest to be loved but I never truly felt like it was there, not in family, friends not even my boyfriend. I was always so awkward growing up I was always shying away from others and always felt like a nuisance and a bother. When I was about 6 years old, my grandmother’s boyfriend started beating me with a fan belt and electric cords, I had to go to school with cuts and bruises and for the stupidest things too like I don’t go to bed when I was told, I made too much noise when playing etc. As I got older it just got worse, when I was about 10 he slapped me across the face and slammed my head against the edge of the dresser. When my grandma came home, I told her I was so happy she believed me but then he cried (actual tears) and told her he didn’t and she ordered me to apologize to him for lying. This continued even through high school, once in high school he slapped me when I was washing dishes for giving my grandma what he calls a “dirty look” I couldn’t hear anything out of my left ear for a week and my grandma said “well that’s what u get for being rude” and again when she asked me for something and I didn’t get it for her “fast enough”, Imagine going through school with cuts and bruises on your face, I was teased so much which made it even worse, no one wanted to be around “sad, beaten girl” all the while. He always says that he was gonna burn the house down and kill us all in our sleeps and he was gonna cut my grandmother’s head off. I was always so scared every night I went to bed thinking it was going to be last.

My mother never defended me, she was never there, always too busy with other guys to care really. The only time she was around was to tell me how stupid and disgusting I am or to ask for stuff otherwise she just ignored me always caring more about her hook-ups and break-ups to notice my self-inflicted wounds, even when I literally showed her she didn’t care. This man used to come to room at night and do creepy stuff like rub my back and belly or peep through a hole in the bathroom when I was bathing, my mom saw once and then she called me into her room the next day accusing me of having a RELATIONSHIP with him! Like wtf??? I was just a child. Whenever she wanted something she’d come ask me, me being the child here, she’d always ask me for clothes, shoes, money for hair, phone cards etc. and I would spend all my money on her just because I just wanted her to be there but as soon as my money was gone she was too. When I had no money I did not see her. She would depend on me emotionally when she has spent all her time, effort and money on some guy that dumped her she would constantly text me telling me how sad and broken hearted she was or crying on my shoulder and even just that slightest moment of comfort meant so much to me while it lasted. My mom never had money for me EVER no matter how in need I was, she never threw my a birthday party but she threw one for her boyfriend, when I was sick and he had the chicken pox she took care of him…not me.

There’s so much more that I went through (raped, beaten etc) but that’s not the point. The point is for all of you who have been so severely damaged physically, emotionally let me say it’s not you. Simple. If ur mothers, fathers couldn’t find it in their hearts to love you, protect you and make u feel safe they are the ones with the problems. Please do not spend ur entire life falling short or feeling hopeless because to go through what u have gone through and still be here is living proof that there is a HUGE strength in u that many have not be able to accomplish. I have learned that this man is an uneducated monster and though I will never get over the trauma I will not allow him to control my life by thinking about him too much, he is insignificant and sick. Who beats a child and touches her? I wouldn’t so that makes him lower than the ground I walk on and me higher than the clouds, he is not on my level and I will not lower my standards by giving him control over my tears and emotions anymore, he will not make me cry or lose anymore sleep. I will not be afraid to look him the face and flaunt my success and accomplishments. STOP LETTING THEM HURT YOU EVEN AFTER THE ABUSE IS DONE. Let them fade like ashes, creamate them in ur head and be done. I realize that my mother might have grown up in age but in mind she’s nothing but a little girl. Accept ur parents for who they are and who they will never be and move on, constantly battling for their love and affections, purchasing it the way I did it will never work. Instead they will break you down in the worse way (even when they die) and u will always feel like ur not worthy even if u can move mountains


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Avatar universal
by sweetpea03, Aug 12, 2011
I am sorry to hear about all that you have gone through, but am glad to see that you can come out on the other end as a stronger young woman. You can learn a lot from your mother's mistakes and all of the experiences you have gone through as to not repeat that same patterns. Always look ahead to the future and make the best of every situation. Childhood may have been bad, but your future looks great. Keep your head up. :)  

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by margypops, Aug 12, 2011
I have just read this on the abuse forum ..and I am so sorry you suffered like this ..it is good you are putting it down for others to see and be aware...you will be helping many ..good luck to you I hope you are finding some peace now ...

Avatar universal
by bbxx, Aug 16, 2011
So sorry to read this. How very very sad and sick that you lived this horrid life. This is heartbreaking.

1415482 tn?1459706314
by Kayannaboo, Aug 16, 2011
The good thing is that I am finally able to see improvements and I can do things not that otherwise I would be too afraid and unwilling to do!

535822 tn?1443980380
by margypops, Aug 16, 2011
I have just been reading Dulabba's aformation on his journal its really interesting and may help folks with a broken heart ..

1415482 tn?1459706314
by Kayannaboo, Aug 16, 2011
Will check that out Marg! What's the name of the journal?

Avatar universal
by katie761, Aug 16, 2011
Im sorry to hear about this, i have been through al of the same stuff and its almost exactly similar just with different people. I still get mental abuse from my mother, and im pregnant, and yes i would leave but i have nowhere to go so im stuck. that has always been my problem. I HATE my mom and dad, they were never parents, and when i started having problems with cutting, suicide, etc, she would throw it in my face and yell at me instead of helping me, and if u go to a therpist they will tell you that thats the worst thing to do when someones in trouble like that, i have had so many sessions with her, and she would lie to my therpist and say oh everythings fine, and then at home, she would scream in my face and slap me around like i was a toy. I was abused from 3 years old all the way up until i was 13. My mom would whip me with paddles, and smack me in the face, she knocked my teeth out when i was about 10 years old, and my dad used to sit on me and cover my mouth so i couldnt breathe, he would lock me in closets, and drag me by my hair, and smack me and punch me. I always told people i wanted to trade lifes with them and then they would say your life is perfect so shutup, so no one believed me, so i ended up keeping it to myself among all the other things that were happening to me, and then in 9th grade a teacher seen me walking around with cuts from my wrist all the way up to my shoulder, and burns. She took me up to the councelor and i had to start talking, and i didnt want to. and at the time i was already seeing a phycologist for my ADHD, and it took so long to diagnose me because my mom always said i was fine, but i wasnt because i was struggeling but she didnt see it, i would cry when i would do my homework, i had times where i would slam my head against walls because no one understood. I hated my life, sometimes still do becase i have dreams about my past, and stuff. and i wont sleep for days when it happens, so i totally agree with what your saying.

1415482 tn?1459706314
by Kayannaboo, Aug 16, 2011
That was such a hard life you have Kate and it is completely understandable why you would feel like dying is the only window of opportunity you have. I am here to tell you it’s not. You have a child inside you and it’s not just because you had sex, there is a purpose for everything that happens in life it’s only a pity that not many fulfill theirs, I do not want that to be you. Your child depends on you and people like you and I, we have to reverse the curse because that’s what it truly is. You are not thirteen years old anymore you are a beautiful young woman, you are an adult. Remember when we were kids and we couldn’t wait to be grown ups? It’s because even then we recognized that being a “grown up” means that you have a choice, and in fact this is so. For those who are not aware you ought to let them know that little Kate is not little anymore because that’s what bullies do, they prey on the small and the weak, persons who will not fight back and your parents are bullies. Being under the same roof as them and fearing that you will be out on the streets is no excuse for them to dominion over you, believe me. You have rights. I have spent so much time allowing myself to be used and mistreated and also doing it to ME. It’s time to do Kate, to do what u feel is in ur best interest and take actions towards it. When your mother tries to put you down by calling you names and telling you how disgusting you are, think about ur unborn baby and think would I ever want her to feel this way? Would I smack her around and verbally abuse her? Would any normal, loving mother do to their child what my mother is doing to me? NO, so what gives this woman right to make me feel bad? She’s the monster and I’m the victim, it is her cold hearted ways and intentions she should be worried about. She’s evil and I’m good and good always prevails. Think of it as being one of God’s angels and the devil is making you cry. Anyone who abuses children, torment and neglect does not have standings over you. It’s time Kate, to stand up, do not keep doing to yourself what they have been doing to you for years now. You are awesome and strong but it will only be true if you believe it. You are much more value to world than your parents, they are the reason why there are so many broken kids, who abuse themselves and take abuse from others because they think it is the norm. The world would suffer if good people like you die and don’t you forget it.

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by katie761, Aug 16, 2011
awe thanks for that, by you saying all that helps, I still cant stand my life because of what goes on but the reason i am alive is for my baby, he or she is the most important thing in my life :) i ant wait to hold my little angel in my arms for the first time. Im happy that i wont get orced to give up my baby like i had to last year, i gave up my son he is now a year old. i miss him but my mom threatened to kick me out knowing i wouldnt have anywhere to go :(. I just need everything to get better from here on.

1415482 tn?1459706314
by Kayannaboo, Aug 16, 2011
Aww u had to give up ur little butterfly that makes me so sad ur mom is so annoying :/ dont u just wish u had a human remote? U could just permanently turn her off and take the batteries out :p Well Kate u gotta get outta there, that's the reality ur precious angel does NOT need that kind of environment. Your mother will forever hold the fact that u have nowhere else to go over ur head and so u know what u need to do, it's time for Kate to rip her baggage off like band aid and move on so that her wounds can heal without all the salt being thrown in it :-/ Nothing happens overnight but u know ur primary goals start working towards achieving them that house is toxic...

Avatar universal
by katie761, Aug 16, 2011
yeah i know i have to leave, me and my baby need to find a place to go near my college so i can attend , and just a little one bedroom apartment or something or i can try and get one with some one else and yeah i gave up my little angel, i have an open adoption so i get to see him but still its not the same as  if  i would have raised him. :( this baby is my life and i wanna give it everything i can :) i know im only 18 but i know i can do it

Avatar universal
by katie761, Aug 16, 2011
yeah i know i have to leave, me and my baby need to find a place to go near my college so i can attend , and just a little one bedroom apartment or something or i can try and get one with some one else and yeah i gave up my little angel, i have an open adoption so i get to see him but still its not the same as  if  i would have raised him. :( this baby is my life and i wanna give it everything i can :) i know im only 18 but i know i can do it

1415482 tn?1459706314
by Kayannaboo, Aug 16, 2011
Yes u can and u will! And a one bedroom apartment sounds great for now, if ur mom comes over and tell u crap u could show her door and slam it too if u like. It's important that u recognized that the fault and blame is not urs. Also roommates are a good idea so that they can help with the expensive be be so careful some people are truly revolting.

Avatar universal
by katie761, Aug 16, 2011
awe thanks, yeah im gonna start looking when i get home :) the only thing is that im on bedrest :( im not suppose to move stuff so i have to find someone to help me out, which will be hard.

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