Sep 17, 2011
So today I was actually in a pretty good mood. Did it last? NO of course not. It never does. So it was fine. I was eating and mom was on the phone. She was mad cuz she was having trouble with her meter cuz she just put a new battery in it and it wouldnt turn off. So she had just eaten and had no meds in her system and she couldnt figure out how to turn it off without checking. So she checked her sugar. it was sky high. So my first reaction is fear. "Mom take your meds!" She says it wont help. Dont know if she took them or not but it was what she said. I guess the doctors are thinking about putting her on insulin. Which is hard enough. But of course mom says she would rather get worse in her health, have high readings, something about her kidneys getting bad and then not getting help for that if it happens and just dying from it. Augh why does she have to say that to me! Why cant she take care of her health before it gets really severe. And why does she have to think and want everything to end her life. I understand how she feels theres no hope and stuff. Im going through the same thing but I dont sit around telling her all the ways I could die. I dont tell her what I think about when I feel suicidal, but she tells me what she wants to do how she wants to do it. Stuff like that. Shes told me how wonderful she would look in a casket. I would post this somewhere but I wouldnt even begin to know where. I could always post it in mental health chat group but I dont know. For now I will just write this entery. And I might post it somewhere later. I dont know. Im not the little girl crying for her mommy cuz mommy took some pills and tried to end it. Im an adult now. I shouldnt freak out so much over this anymore. I mean of course it upsetting but I still feel like a 5 or 6 year old kid being scared that my mom was going to do something like that. But Im not a kid. Yet I feel like one still. I was looking at my old enteries and I saw the one when mom took an extra pill on purpose to go in a coma. I freaked out so much. And then today I should just ignore it and not pay attention. I mean if shes really going to do something then yeah Ill freak but shes not even talking about that anyway. She just says she wont take care of her health and of course that it will end in her dying from not taking care of it. Which upsets me, causes me anxiety, makes me want to run far away and just disapear not die but just not be here anymore. Augh why cant I handle this?