Sep 25, 2011
I know that I've got a lot of trouble waiting for me at home. I haven't seen my wife in 5 weeks, and I've only managed to get ashore for 3 days (1-2 hours each time) in the last 35 days. I'm burnt out with work, and when I go home I have to deal with my wife, which is probably going to make me want to run back to sea for another month again.
I'm finding myself becoming more angry with my wife as time goes on. I suppose shock and hurt had numbed me for the first few weeks. For the very first time ever, I'm dealing with depression, in a small way. I've never had motivational issues, and I've absolutely never been unable to control my emotional state before. I'm getting explosively angry,which is NOT my way, and I so badly need to be calm and rational when I go home in a few days. I haven't prayed much since my father died, but I feel the need now to ask for patience.
My anxiety interfered with a cargo load the other night. I second-guessed my chief mate, corrected the load plan he wrote, then missed my stops in several tanks. We put to sea with a mild list. No big deal, but I refused to believe the refinery manager when he finished loading. I was sure he had overloaded us, which never actually happens. That's a perfect example of what anxiety does- self-doubt turns into doubt related to what's in front of you, and then there's a panic. Stupid, really.
Anyhow, I missed my marks on the load because I've been self-destructive, beating myself to death over my wife's actions, and continually pouring salt in my wounds. This further enrages me because I define myself by my job so strongly that I feel dissappointed with myself as a man when I make a mistake. Stupid snowball effect.
The past 10 days have been ultra-negative. Really not like me at all.